Was Just at Dairy Queen

love2eatinpa, 29 October 2009, 8 comments
Categories: Day to Day Stuff
Tags: , , ,

WARNING: this blog will explicitly mention some serious binge foods, so beware!

So I went out to dinner with my husband and kids last night and had an abstinent dinner.  We decided to go to Dairy Queen for dessert for my son and me.  I got my usual fat-free fudge bar – 50 calories, hits the spot, works well with my calorie count for the day.  My 7-yr-old son told us while still at the restaurant, that he had his eye on the brownie fudge sundae in a chocolate dipped waffle cone.  Music to my chocolate-loving, compulsive overeating ears. Because he ate a really good dinner and it wasn’t that close to his bedtime (didn’t want to over sugar him up on a school night) we decided to let him get it for the first time.  Already, at that moment, I felt a physical yearning to have some of his sundae.  My compulsive brain was already fixated on my son’s dessert before we even stepped foot in the Dairy Queen.

We placed our order and the girl at the counter turned her back to us and put it together.  When she was done, she turned around and holy cow, there was this huge chocolate treat on the counter in front of us. Brownies, hot fudge and ice cream dripping over the sides of a chocolate dipped waffle bowl.  Heaven on earth!   I knew that after eating a whole dinner he would never be able to finish the sundae, no matter what size it was. I had to do everything within my power not to embarrass myself by drooling in public.  The physical urge I already had prior to even seeing it, grew stronger upon seeing this delight and I practically had heart palpitations knowing there was no way he was going to be able to eat all of it and therefore the leftovers would be mine. 

 It’s insane, I hadn’t even eaten any and already there was no turning back, my mind was made up. 

We took it home for him to eat.  I got him all set up at the kitchen table and then tried my best not to lurk over him watching him.  To my credit, I didn’t do my normal routine of asking every two minutes if he was done yet.  I tried so hard to occupy myself with other things waiting for my son to say the magical words that he couldn’t eat anymore so that I could swoop in and eat it because I was obsessed with having it.  How I wish I was normal and could have just been like – oh, you’re done, I’ll just toss it in the trash. 

I never ate a waffle dipped in chocolate, let alone had one of these sundaes in one.  Well, I dug in, and as is often the case, with this huge build-up I had in my head, of course the treat was not as good as I expected it to be (I don’t think the brownies nor the waffle bowl were fresh).  But did that stop me from spooning it into myself over and over again?  No, of course not!  I still inhaled it like it was the last meal I was ever going to eat because I was simply obsessed with having it.  Thank goodness, in total, I only ate about 1/3 of it, which equaled about 325 calories.  So I went over in my calorie count by about 300 calories, but my indulging didn’t progress any further.  So to me, I ate compulsively, a slip if you will, but to me i have kept my abstinence because it didn’t lead  to my eating everything in the house that wasn’t nailed down and I am right back on my normal track of eating today.

Just goes to show that even with just about 22 months of abstinence, I still fight this sickness every day.  The only good part about any of this is that I actually offered to share this dessert (a rarity on my part!) with my 9-yr old daughter and she agreed.  I’m always hyper concerned that all she sees is me eating small portions and in a bizarre twist, was happy that she saw me going to town on this dessert.

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Comments

8 Responses, Leave a Reply
  1. Kate
    29 October 2009, 11:28 am

    isnt it crazy how your mind is already made up? i have a serious eating problem as well i cant just have one bite i have to eat the entire container that goes for just about all foods when im bingeing i usually have a hard time getting back on track its good to see that you started the next day with normal eating

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    hi and thanks for commenting! this disease is a bear, isn’t it? i’m going to check out your blog to ‘get to know you’ better. hopefully we can chat more in the future as we live through this craziness.

    [Reply]

  2. innerpilgrimage
    29 October 2009, 11:32 am

    First, I wanted to say that I went through the steps to put a blogroll widget on my page, and your weblog is now linked through mine.

    Second, I was reading this and I laughed that knowing, “Oh, I know this. This . . . this I know.” What struck me most was what you wrote right near the beginning:

    My compulsive brain was already fixated on my son’s dessert before we even stepped foot in the Dairy Queen.

    That happens to me all of the time! It’s that insanity they talk about in Step 2, where we reason with ourselves and our HP (“I’ll be extra good tomorrow if I can have this today!”) to get what we long for. I mean, just Tuesday I had the Oreo cookie incident, where I was fantasizing about those cookies. And I woke up today with that niggling compulsive-brain craviness (craving+craziness, you know?) where I know I have to stay in my range but something in the fridge is just calling me to eat it all. And my logical mind says, “That’s outside the bounds of the abstention I chose for myself,” and my compulsive mind is all, “WHO CAAAAARES!”

    I have repeated this story in my life so many times (I was a “Mommy Tax” advocate until I started attending OA). Waiting out the 24-hour rule. Mommy-taxing to the point my kid is hiding his food from me and I still wrestle it from him to get more (like a rude camel or something). My stories always ended with guilt feelings and an overfull queasiness.

    Thank you so much for posting this very real experience we compulsive-overeating Moms face. The places and the foods we compulsively eat may change, but the core story is the same.

    I really believe community is the best defense against this disease, and I am happy to be part of such a generous one.

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    thanks! i put you on my blogroll as well. we are all in this together. none of us can make it through alone. your support is definitely appreciated and please know that i’m cheering for you on my end. hope you are having a good day!

    [Reply]

  3. Laurie
    19 March 2010, 1:34 pm

    My boyfriend is leaving town for 3 weeks on Sunday. So, he is taking me to the Keg on Saturday night. When he told me this, I felt two things…1) Guilt, since I knew immediately that I was going to take overeating to a new level that night 2) EXTREME excitement. I checked the menu online right away. I have my meal picked out. My dessert is already making my mouth water. Even the bottle of wine I am going to drink. Since I am going to be ‘blowing it’ on Saturday, I have already pre-planned the eating of the rest of the junk in the house that day as well. (Afterall, I am going to start my “eating healthy small portions” quest for the 8472th time on Sunday.
    I am so fixated that a freight train couldn’t make me miss this meal. Even though I know I am going to cry like a baby after and go for a 2 hour run on Sunday to attempt ‘damage control’. So why do it? I have no idea. I think..just cause it tastes good. But it has to be more than that.
    .-= Laurie´s last blog ..I consider yesterday a success… =-.

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    laurie, i so totally hear you and have been there done that,MANY times. i promise you, there is some relief from this obsession. if i can be binge-free for over 2 years, so can you. hang in there!

    [Reply]

  4. Lisa
    04 May 2010, 6:58 pm

    That is such a great term: fixated. That’s what happens to me…I try to keep “trigger foods” out of my house because if I KNOW they are there I will be fixated and obsessed about that food. For example, the Costco bag of M&M’s that my BF sometimes buys. I wish he wouldn’t…I could seriously eat that whole freaking bag!
    .-= Lisa´s last blog ..Bike Route =-.

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    yup, i totally hear ya! i bet at some point though, those m&m’s won’t call to you as much. you can do it! =)

    [Reply]

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