Triathlon Training Update and My Eating

My triathlon training continues to be moving along nicely. In fact, this morning, I am proud to report that, for the first time, I swam 16 laps in the pool without stopping! (Sixteen laps is the eqiuvalent of 1/4 mile, which is the distance of the swim portion of the triathlon.) When I started training 6 weeks ago, swimming one lap required me to stop and catch my breath. (By the way, when I refer to laps, a lap is one way, from end to end). The swimming is still very challenging, but I’m working through it and it feels good.

Unless it pours, I’m set to do a sort of trial race on Wednesday, 7/7. It is a duathlon that involves the same distance open water swim as my tri , followed by a 5k run. It would be really helpful for me to do at least one open water swim before my triathlon, so I won’t be shocked from doing all my training in a pool, where I can see clearly, to going to seeing lord only knows what kind of aquatic life and other junk in the open water. Though I will only be 6 weeks into my 12 week training, it will be a scary test to see how my training is coming along. Overall it should be great experience for me.

So while all that is great, there is a bit of negativeness in all this… I’m still battling with my eating, i.e. eating enough to fuel my body for my training, but not taking advantage and crossing over the line back to compulsive overeating. I’m trying to listen to my satiety cues, but with some carte blanche to eat more, I know darn well I am ignoring my cues and it has to STOP.

I have not binged, but I have definitely been exhibiting some ED’d behaviors

The past couple of weeks have been stressful. I’ve written a little about it in my last few posts, so don’t want to bore you again with my issues. Suffice to say that on top of those, I have been exposed six days/night out of eight, to buffets of desserts. Tough for even a “normal” eater to deal with! Once a week or every two weeks eating a little too much is “normal” and I’m totally good with it.

But for the past few solid weeks, the fact remains that while before I was just standing next to the line in the sand, that if I stepped over would lead me to the “dark side”, I feel like I’m now standing on top of the line.

I got on the scale to touch base to see how I was doing and I have in fact gained weight. I’m totally fine with that, but I don’t want to keep gaining. I’m sure some of it is muscle from the training, but I can’t kid myself, I know that some of it is from my carte blanche eating.

I need the rope of common sense, the lifeline reminder of how hard I’ve worked to recover from my eating disorder, the help and support to keep me from being drawn back into the world of compulsive overeating and bingeing, to pull me off of “the line” and back into making the right choices.

Today is my last BBQ. I’m going in with the mindset of not giving myself carte blanche anymore. I’ve sampled and enjoyed enough junk five times already in seven days. I know they are unusual circumstances, but I need to go back to making better choices for myself.

Sorry for the rambling thoughts, thanks, as always, for listening!

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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Comments

33 Responses, Leave a Reply
  1. Julie - Big Girl Bombshell
    05 July 2010, 7:05 pm

    Good job on the training! It is SOOO hard to continue to listen to our bodies when the message can change in a blink of an eye, isn’t it……

    No rambling, just having a conversation, which I for one love
    Julie – Big Girl Bombshell´s last blog post ..Declare Your Independence

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    thanks, jules! yes, the messages have changed and i MUST receive them properly again, asap.

    [Reply]

  2. amanda
    05 July 2010, 8:10 pm

    You mentioned that you need 1/4 mile for the swim portion…what do you need for the run and biking portion? I have never looked into a triathlon before. Good luck on the duathlon this Wednesday, which I never knew they had those either. ha ha You learn something new every day!! Sounds like you are handling things well even with a little weight gain. I think a normal person (well nonbinger) would have done the same in your given situation. 🙂
    amanda´s last blog post ..The LoneStar State

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    it’s the 1/4 mile swim – 12.5 mile bike – 2 mile run. it is even small for sprint triathlon, a great beginner race.
    thanks for your support, amanda. you are right, maybe a normal person would have done the same in my situation but they are not dealing with 30+ years of disordered eating. i have got to get my head on straight.

    [Reply]

  3. Jody - Fit at 52
    05 July 2010, 8:53 pm

    First.. congrats on that training & what you have accomplished! AMAZING & I don’t see myself ever doing that so I think this is fabulous!!!! HUGE CONGRATS!!!!

    On “you”…. be kind to yourself but I know you are aware so… maybe try on a pair of jeans or something that will tell you about that “gain”. If your clothes fit the same or looser, don’t get too crazed & just keep your awareness going & get back to your basics. I know you can do this!!!!
    Jody – Fit at 52´s last blog post ..Questions -amp Answers

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    thanks, jody!

    that is a good idea, to try on my jeans. however, they have always been a little baggy, it’s kind of hard to see if they are less baggy. you are right, i do need to get back to my basics. i’m hoping that will all the shiva calls and bbq’s behind me, that i can just get back to my routine and not all the temptation on an already “off” way of training eating.

    [Reply]

  4. Kyle
    05 July 2010, 9:41 pm

    I still say for now, focus on your training… I don’t know that both training hard and losing weight should go hand in hand necessarily.

    Awesome job with your swimming! I could do it to, but they’d need to put a shark in the water.
    Kyle´s last blog post ..Big Brother is Watchingand watched my new PR-

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    you bring up a great point, kyle. it makes me wonder if the stress of the tri is actually setting off my “old” ways.

    i’ve worked hard to lose, and subsequently maintain that loss for about 20 months, so i haven’t been in lose mode for a while and i don’t relish the idea of possibly putting myself back in that position again. *sigh*

    and thanks, i just hope there are no sharks in the bay when i do the tri next month! i can only imagine what i’m going to see beneath me!!!

    [Reply]

  5. Karen @ Waisting Time
    05 July 2010, 10:31 pm

    I get it – the feeling of the “dark side.” The pull. I have utmost confidence in you. It sounds to me that you are very aware of what you are experiencing and your eating and it seems to me that half the battle is being honest with oneself in that way. If you struggle – ask yourself what you would be saying to ME if our position were reversed. You give the greatest advice:)
    Karen @ Waisting Time´s last blog post ..The Haunting

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    thanks for your support, karen! it’s funny you mention about giving advice, because i am trying to give myself my own advice but you know how tough this ED can be. i think i’m going to do some serious in-the-mirror affirmations/advice today. either that or just konk myself on the head with a blunt object. =)

    [Reply]

  6. Ben Schorr
    05 July 2010, 11:38 pm

    Sounds like you’re off to a great start. My advice would be to just worry about getting comfortable in the water, cover the distance, don’t worry about speed. Just try to be comfortable and efficient, then get out of the water ready to have a great ride and a great run. And most importantly HAVE FUN! Hopefully it’s the start of even bigger and better things for you in the sport of triathlon.

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    thanks for dropping by, ben, and for the encouraging words! i’m definitely not worrying about speed, i’m going to do my best to not get caught up in the frenzy of the start and just start swimming nice and easy. and yes, i’m wondering if doing these races is going to give me the bug. =)

    [Reply]

  7. Mental Disorders 101
    06 July 2010, 12:36 am

    Triathlon Training Update and My Eating | Confessions of a ……

    I found your entry interesting do I’ve added a Trackback to it on my weblog :)…

  8. Lisa
    06 July 2010, 12:11 pm

    So good to “hear” from you via new post 🙂

    Congrats on the swimming, that is great!!

    I think we all will struggle to a degree with ED behaviors when we’ve been in that vicious cycle for so many years. You are aware of it…that is huge. Keep staying in touch with your body and feelings and swim through the murky ED waters….there are clearer waters ahead.

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    thanks, lisa! great analogy about swimming through the murky waters of ED behaviors! =)

    [Reply]

  9. Lara
    06 July 2010, 3:04 pm

    I think intense training routines can be very stressful in of themselves, not to mention the physical stress it puts on the body. There is a fine line between excerise that promotes well being and that which causes physical and mental stress on the body. For me personally, whenever I go through periods of stress it tends to affect my eating (either being to restrictive or eating too much) I think it is from years of using food as a coping mechanism. It does sound like you are really in touch with what is going on which is great. It is common to gain a little weight when training for a big event, the body does hold onto more fluid to help heal the muscles.

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    thanks, lara, for your insightful comments! i guess something i can take away from this whole experience is that training for an event may very well cause me to turn back to using food as a coping mechanism. yet another awareness i need to take into consideration.
    i realize that some of my weight may be from added muscle/training, but i also know that i have definitely been eating more as well. not bingeing, thank goodness, but doing some compulsive eating that if i had tuned into my body, wouldn’t have done. and once you get into that pattern, sadly, it’s hard to stop.

    [Reply]

  10. Patrick McCrann
    06 July 2010, 4:07 pm

    I am as impressed with your training as I am with your commitment to food. I am coming back from a broken pelvis (bike accident) and cant’ eat all that I want. My personal solution has been to keep only good food around me, so I don’t feel so bad if I “crack” and have a bunch of cashews or an apple. Then I go out 1x a week for a nice binge meal, and that’s it! Thanks for sharing!

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    thanks for the kind words and for stopping by, patrick! oh man, a broken pelvis must be/have been brutal. i hope that you are recovering well.
    i would love to just keep “good” food around, but i have an 10-yr old and an 8-yr old. and while i don’t keep a ton of junk in the house, in fact, much less than most parents , i do still have stuff for them to enjoy. everything in moderation, i don’t want junk to be ‘forbidden fruit’ for them.

    [Reply]

  11. POD
    06 July 2010, 6:58 pm

    Difficult to keep it all under control without total abstinence sometimes. I attended NO BBQ over the holiday for similar reasons. Though I didn’t train for any ‘athelon.’ Good luck with that!
    POD´s last blog post ..Strangers in the Night

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    trust me, the way i was feeling, i would have happily passed on the bbq’s, but i didn’t want to totally isolate myself. my husband is a social butterfly and loves the bbq/swim parties. i did, however, for one, send my husband and kids alone, then i went later because it was an all-day thing and THAT is just too much for me to deal with. *sigh*

    [Reply]

  12. Cammy@TippyToeDiet
    06 July 2010, 8:20 pm

    I’m so excited to see how your duatholon goes. I know that runners say the treadmill and the road or trails is a completely different experience. I suppose it’s the same with pool and open water?

    You’re already on a great path to get your eating more realigned with your normal habits. Just being *aware* is a huge element of that. I trust you; do you trust you? 🙂
    Cammy@TippyToeDiet´s last blog post ..Gluttony for Sport and Entertainment

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    yup, you got it – the treadmill and or/stationery bike are totally different than running/biking outside. i’m thinking the open water swim is going to be way different too. not only will i not be able to see that pretty black line at the bottom of my lane, in my very own lane, i will be swimming with other people right next to me and i may get kicked or whacked in the head, etc. if/when that happens, i will have to try my best to maintain my composure and get back to focusing on swimming.
    today was my first “good” day in a few weeks. it feels good. one day at a time. i’m very aware as you said.
    do i trust myself? you and your smart questions! =) well, i know i certainly have it in me to get back into focus and i semi-trust myself now. i will rebuild the trust and get my act back together. there are no other options. i will not let the ED pull me back into it’s clutches.

    [Reply]

  13. Katie @ Health for the Whole Selfk
    06 July 2010, 8:46 pm

    It sounds to me like you’re very aware of your eating situation, which is often half the battle. And you’re right – all of those parties and buffets would be difficult for anyone to deal with, much less someone with an eating disorder history! Hopefully returning to your regular routine will help you return to your regular eating patterns as well. In these sorts of situations, I often remind myself that I have conquered much more; I have emerged from much darker places, so I know I can do it again!

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    thanks for the support, katie! today was day one back at my regular routine and i had a good day. i just need to keep stringing them together, one day at a time. i like the inspriration you use, thanks for sharing it cuz i’m gonna use it!

    [Reply]

  14. Melinda Neely
    08 July 2010, 9:55 am

    I almost always gain weight when I enter one of these types of events. You are building new muscle from sports you aren’t accustomed to doing. Keep up the good work in your training – this is terrific! (And stay away from buffets; it will reduce the temptation!).
    Melinda Neely´s last blog post ..Utensils- Appliances and Other Kitchen Supplies You Must Have

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    thanks for the support, melinda! that makes me feel better. i think you are right, that some of the weight is from training but i do think that some is just from taking advantage and eating too much.
    trust me, i didn’t want to be around the dessert buffets, it was out of my control.

    [Reply]

  15. Diana
    08 July 2010, 3:39 pm

    Great job on training!

    Buffets are tough! Hopefully now that you’re aware of the problem you can kick it. There’s somehing to be said for saying it out loud (or written to your Internet buddies!)

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    thanks, diana! i think dessert buffets in particular are the hardest for me. there is one in my future this weekend, but doing one is ok with me. it was just when they were strung together night after night, that was brutal.

    [Reply]

  16. Holly
    08 July 2010, 4:12 pm

    First of all, congrats on your training – especially the swimming!! You have been working so hard and have to be REALLY proud of yourself! I can’t wait to hear how your trial went yesterday. I think that’s great that you are doing trial runs like that, too!

    And the weight thing is so tricky, because so many people with any kind of training gain weight because of added muscle and because you just simply need to eat more to fuel your body. With 2 of my 3 marathons I gained a few pounds, but I told myself it went to my thigh muscles to fuel me through my runs. 🙂 And since you’ve lost a few pounds recently, maybe this is your body’s way of adjusting? And like you said, buffets would definitely be hard for anyone to deal with!
    Holly´s last blog post ..A Different Kind of Bucket List

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    thanks, holly! i can’t wait for the point where the swimming becomes easier. i hope that point comes! =)
    as for the weight, i gained more than a few, so i really feel like it’s not just muscle, that some of it is due to the extra calories consumed, but of course there is no way to know for sure. and good point, i did some losing, but that makes the gain seem all the worse! without the loss, i would have only gained a few which would be fine. but you could be on to something, maybe it was my body adjusting back. hey, that means i can keep eating too much! JK!!!!

    [Reply]

  17. Kristine
    08 July 2010, 5:02 pm

    Good for you for challenging yourself! with the race! I know you’ll be able to get right back on track with your eating. Remember how far you’ve come and how you don’t want to go back to that dark place!

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    thanks, kristine. and yup, that is what i need to remember, not be drawn back into that dark place. the dark place is quite powerful, but not as powerful as me =).

    [Reply]

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