Now trust me, I don’t love being next to someone who is a bit rank from sweating, I’m sure I’m guilty of that myself though I always put deoderant on, but somehow sweat, though often revolting, is somehow more natural than perfume.

I wanted to gag. I hated the idea that I was breathing deeply of something that wasn’t natural, that the noxious odor was filling my pink, hard-working lungs.

I then was faced with the decision of whether to stay on the machine or stop, get off and find another one. As I’m not one who is good with change, I opted to stay. Dumb, I know!

Fortunately for me (and all the other folks within a 10-foot radius!) she got off after about 10 minutes and went downstairs. Ahhhhh, fresh air again!

Have you ever been working out next to someone whose odor grossed you out? If so, did you stay on the machine or move?

On another note, I’m proud to report that another month has passed before I got on the scale this morning. It was the same ol’ weight which I’m used to seeing, which is just what I was looking for. I was due to get on it this past Friday, but aunt flo came to town so I decided to hold off until she left. I feel empowered to have only climbed onto the scale twice in two months, a far cry from hopping on it at least once a day for decades!

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

I am reading this great book by Valerie Frankel called “Thin is the New Happy” and in it she gives a very interesting statistic about parents and daughters.

(The book is about the author’s life; how growing up she was tormented by her mom about her weight, i.e., put on Weight Watchers at the age of 11, and how later on came to put that all behind her and love herself.)

She said “According to a 2006 Sanford University study, there is a direct link between parental weight criticism and bad body image. Of the study’s 455 female adult subjects, 80 percent of those with body-related anxieties (including eating disorders, chronic dieting, and/or appearance preoccupation) reported being teased or criticized by their parents about their weight during adolescence. The study’s conclusion: Teenage girls are acutely sensitive about their weight, and a parent’s negative comments exacerbate that sensitivity permanently.

80%!!! I had been reading peacefully in my bed before going to sleep when out out of nowhere I suddenly became really pissed off at my dad after reading that statistic.

I grew up with a dad who, from as young as I can remember, teased me about my rear end being big. I know that he was just teasing, but as we all know, there is often a kernel of truth that the teasing is based upon. So I grew up very self-conscious about the size of my rear. I could see in the mirror it was large, and let’s face it, when the most important man in your life chooses to tease about your rear end, well, it’s really tough to not be affected by that. Between that and my mom hiding food from me, is it any wonder I became a compulsive eater before I was even 10 years old?

About five or so years ago, I realized that my father’s “innocent” teasing may have contributed deeply to my lifelong weight problems/bingeing/compulsive eating. (This was even before I discovered I had an eating disorder since I had been a kid, and that my mom had a part in it too.)

So I decided to write him a very loving, un-accusatory letter to him at that time. I told him that I loved him and that I knew in his mind the teasing he had done in the past was all in fun and perhaps his way of expressing love to me, but that I thought it may have contributed to my weight problems.

In hindsight, I’m not sure exactly what I was trying to accomplish by giving him the letter. Maybe to open his eyes to some responsibility, perhaps for me to get some closure, who knows.

Well, my father, who I’d like to think never wanted to hurt anybody, especially his family, thinks that he can do no wrong and that (pardon my language) his shit doesn’t stink. So after pouring my heart out in this letter, painstakingly wording it as to not hurt HIS feelings, I found out from my mom that as he was reading it, he said something to the effect of “I don’t need to read this shit” and promptly threw it away.

What an ass!!! He wouldn’t even finish reading the letter, let alone take any responsibility whatsoever. Sadly, that is the kind of man he is.

I recognize that there was no malice involved with the teasing. He has gone through his life, since I was old enough to truly see the kind of person he was, never once thinking about how what he says or does affects others. Maybe that is why I am the complete opposite and am always so afraid that I have said or done something to hurt someone’s feelings. But it doesn’t mean I can’t still be a little bit pissed off that my life may have been different today had he not teased me for all those years.

Anyway, I’m writing this because ALL parents need to know how important parent-daughter relationships are. What parents say to their daughters about their appearance/weight can be highly impactful and life altering for the young girl.

I’m grateful to have found out through therapy where my eating disorder came from so I can take measures not to binge because of an old coping mechanism I learned as a child. I also know that I, unequivocally, do not want this pattern to be repeated. My mother’s hiding food from me and being teased like that in my formative years are certainly things that I will never do to either of my children.

How about you, did your parents ever say stuff to you about your weight or appearance while you were growing up?

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

As always, I left his office with not with what I thought I wanted, but instead, with what I needed.

First of all, most of what I’m going to write about here, he has mostly already told me. As the days and months pass, (and hormones take over =)) I sometimes forget all the great things he has brought to my awareness, so I really needed this session to get grounded again in fighting this eating disorder.

So in no particular order….

What stood out to him from reading my blog and talking to me yesterday was that for me, the important things in my life, in my recovery right now, is that I give great value to the fact that I have been binge-free for 26 months and that after all of these weight struggles, I’m happy with how I look and feel and that I don’t want to gain any weight back. He told me that I should be really proud of my accomplishments and there is nothing wrong with these items being the things that I give value to and are of great importantance to me now.

He said that it was his opinion that I was not ready to totally follow the Intuitive Eating path. Quite frankly, this was a huge relief because I am currently only dipping my big toe into the Intuitive Eating waters (allowing myself to enjoy foods that are worth it and listening to my hunger cues) and was scared to jump in with two feet for fear of bingeing out of control, gaining a lot of weight and being back at square one.

He said that he knew that I was looking for the special “tool” for my belt that would take away the food-frenzy feeling I get around buffets. But like the awesome therapist he is, he said that I needed to get to the core of what was REALLY drawing me to the food and that would give me the tool I was looking for.

We talked about how it’s all in MY PERCEPTION of the food, not the food itself. I have made the food mesmerizing, I have created that in my head, I am the one who is allowing it to have so much of my focus and attention. He likened it to me putting this giant spotlight on the dessert table. I was putting the spotlight on it and that’s not where the spotlight should be.

He asked me why I would give my sense of power over to the food? The desserts can literally and figuratively make me sick. As he has thrown out there in the past – I need to ask myself – will eating the dessert do something “to” myself (that would be against my better judgement) or something “for” myself?

At a dessert table, the need to satisfy the impulse that we think is about the food, we’ve actually confused with love and self-soothing. He encouraged me to question myself – what is going on in my life that is not satisfying me? No amount of decadent desserts is going to satisfy what I truly need at that moment.

He said that food is just a moment in time that I make into a huge event. I make it bigger than the more important things like how I feel, that my body is healthy and strong, and that I’ve worked so hard to get to my current weight. THOSE are the important things in my life, not some silly food.

I’m going to continue this post tomorrow because I’m still processing the rest of what he said, so please stay tuned…

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body