My therapist totally rocks and we talk about tons of things that are very meaningful and I know it makes up the pieces of the puzzle that make me who I am. I know that all these new awarenesses I gain via him are making me grow as a person and I am so grateful for that. I know that these new awarenesses are helping to allow me to expand my life and LIVE, which will help reduce the compulsive eating part of my life.

However, when I go to my monthly appointment tomorrow, I feel like I need to do some hardcore therapy about this eating disorder because I HATEDHATEDHATED that frenzy that took over my body in the room / near the dessert buffet. I have lived through the eating frenzy more times than I can count, even while I’ve managed to stay binge-free (thank you, “forces of good,” that kept me from crossing the line!)

I’m at my ‘happy’ weight and I’ve been maintaining it for about 17 months. I feel good in my skin. I don’t hate myself or my body. However, I want this struggle to stop being so damn hard when I’m faced with buffets.

When I’m home, I’m pretty much fine most of the time. When I eat at a restaurant, I’m mostly fine. So, OK, I admit it, I’m looking for the quick fix. These frickin buffets are so troublesome before and during the event, and I want SO badly for that frenzied, out-of-control feeling to stop, like, yesterday please!

I know that that is what separates me from being a “normal” eater. A normal eater doesn’t have a tangible, physical yearning at the mere site of a dessert table. A normal eater certainly overindulges sometimes, but this palpable yearning is a special feeling that, well, I believe comes from my ED (I can’t speak for all compulsive eaters), I have that I REALLY want to kick to the curb.

While I have gone over 2 years without bingeing and have managed to put on the brakes somehow when the frenzy for food clicked on in my head, I want to get rid of it entirely. Is that too much to ask?

I admittedly follow the intuitive eating to a point. I’ve let go of the reigns a bit and allow myself more treats than I have in the past and I have no regrets when I do. So that is a big step. However, intuitive eating (and it’s way too much to get into here) says you should totally go for it and eat everything you want and once you allow yourself to have them, they will no longer be a big deal because they won’t be forbidden.

Well, to be honest, I’m afraid of gaining weight from doing that. I’m afraid that if I let myself go like that, I will go back to my old ways of bingeing/compulsive overeating and that hunger cues will fly out the window. I’m also afraid to give up calorie counting, another intuitive eating recommendation. I don’t want to have to go by myself a whole new wardrobe as I experiment. I want to have my cake and eat it too dammit!

So I’ve been taking baby steps. As I said, I’ve loosened the reigns on having some extra treats and feeling no regrets. On Friday I will get on the scale for the second time in two months. As a once-, or sometimes twice-a-day weigher for decades, that is huge for me.

I just feel like I need some more tools in my tool belt on how to better deal with the buffets/parties/events. I’m pretty much ok when I’m just at home on my own or just having dinner out with friends where everyone is given a single serving of something. I need more hardcore tools to deal with time when I’m faced with multiple foods laid out in front of me.

I hope my therapist is ready for me.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body