Confessions of a (Recovering) Compulsive Eater » dessert

I’m Getting Grounded, in a Good Way, Part 1

love2eatinpa — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 22:43:23 +0000

I had such a great appointment with my therapist yesterday. I had sent him my last couple of blogs so he was prepared for me to come in ready to get down to business.

As always, I left his office with not with what I thought I wanted, but instead, with what I needed.

First of all, most of what I’m going to write about here, he has mostly already told me. As the days and months pass, (and hormones take over =)) I sometimes forget all the great things he has brought to my awareness, so I really needed this session to get grounded again in fighting this eating disorder.

So in no particular order….

What stood out to him from reading my blog and talking to me yesterday was that for me, the important things in my life, in my recovery right now, is that I give great value to the fact that I have been binge-free for 26 months and that after all of these weight struggles, I’m happy with how I look and feel and that I don’t want to gain any weight back. He told me that I should be really proud of my accomplishments and there is nothing wrong with these items being the things that I give value to and are of great importantance to me now.

He said that it was his opinion that I was not ready to totally follow the Intuitive Eating path. Quite frankly, this was a huge relief because I am currently only dipping my big toe into the Intuitive Eating waters (allowing myself to enjoy foods that are worth it and listening to my hunger cues) and was scared to jump in with two feet for fear of bingeing out of control, gaining a lot of weight and being back at square one.

He said that he knew that I was looking for the special “tool” for my belt that would take away the food-frenzy feeling I get around buffets. But like the awesome therapist he is, he said that I needed to get to the core of what was REALLY drawing me to the food and that would give me the tool I was looking for.

We talked about how it’s all in MY PERCEPTION of the food, not the food itself. I have made the food mesmerizing, I have created that in my head, I am the one who is allowing it to have so much of my focus and attention. He likened it to me putting this giant spotlight on the dessert table. I was putting the spotlight on it and that’s not where the spotlight should be.

He asked me why I would give my sense of power over to the food? The desserts can literally and figuratively make me sick. As he has thrown out there in the past – I need to ask myself – will eating the dessert do something “to” myself (that would be against my better judgement) or something “for” myself?

At a dessert table, the need to satisfy the impulse that we think is about the food, we’ve actually confused with love and self-soothing. He encouraged me to question myself – what is going on in my life that is not satisfying me? No amount of decadent desserts is going to satisfy what I truly need at that moment.

He said that food is just a moment in time that I make into a huge event. I make it bigger than the more important things like how I feel, that my body is healthy and strong, and that I’ve worked so hard to get to my current weight. THOSE are the important things in my life, not some silly food.

I’m going to continue this post tomorrow because I’m still processing the rest of what he said, so please stay tuned…

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

Is My Food Obsession Lessening It’s Grip?

love2eatinpa — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 22:09:58 +0000

Wow, I can’t believe that these words are about to come out of my mouth, so to speak, but I recently had kind of an “ah-ha” moment — I realized that food is a little bit less important to me right now. Not a whole lot less, maybe only 10% or so, but a little bit less nontheless. Can after over 30+ years of obsessing over food and giving into these obsessions with binging, could I really be turning a corner where the food obsession is letting go of it’s grip on me a little bit? I don’t know if this feeling is fleeting or long term, but man it feels good.

Though I think I’ve been building to this ephiphany over the last week or two, the ah-ha moment came Saturday night when I was out on a “date” with my husband. They had messed up the salad I ordered a couple of times and while that upsetting, I was more focused on our conversation than being upset that my food wasn’t right and that I couldn’t eat it. Then when the decadent dessert we ordered came out for us to share, I had some (and wow, it was really good!) but the dessert just didn’t have the appeal or all-consuming-ness that it normally does. That’s when it hit me that food had lost some of it’s importance to me.

How can this be? There are a few things in play right now that I think are causing this slight change of my mindset:

1. My therapist rocks. He specializes in compulsive behaviors and is himself a recovering compulsive overeater. Who better to talk to than someone who truly knows where you are coming from and has the education to help get you through it? Though I have lamented before that he doesn’t necessarily come out and give me the answers that I’m seeking (us A-types hate that!), he makes me dig deep and think so that I figure things out by myself. He helps me to link things from my childhood to my current life and all the years in between. He has talked to me about awareness and how if I expand other parts of my life and brain, that logically, the part of my brain that gives attention to food will get smaller.

2. This blog has been amazing to get all these crazy food thoughts out of my head and on to paper. Reading other peoples blogs with eating disorders and getting comments back from you guys has been insprational to me. In addition, this blog takes up a lot of my time, which i think is part of the ‘needing other things in my life” expansion that my head needed.

3. Concepts I’ve been digesting from books and the therapist about nurturing myself, lettting go, not framing foods as forbidden fruit have all been helpful as well.

Will this food obsession/compulsion that is slowly letting go of me continue? Well, that remains to be seen as I can only live one day at a time. But the future is looking more hopeful in my recovery, that is for sure.

One day at a time. Nurture myself. Awareness. Letting Go.

Holiday Party at our House

love2eatinpa — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 01:49:56 +0000

So on Sunday we are hosting a Chanukah dinner party. This will be the 12th annual get together of a core group of friends (and their families) that my husband has known since childhood. Some new, dear friends have entered into the fold of the party over the years, but the core families remain the same. Each year a different family in the group opts to host and this year the party is at our house.

So while this is a wonderful and special occasion, I can’t help but be a little angst-ridden about it. Everyone brings either an appetizer or dessert, which means my house will be full of tempting, delicious foods that are not normally in my home. As hosts, we will provide the main course, including a salad. So while I can typically pass on appetizers and do ok with my meal, the desserts are where I may get into trouble. I’m not going to already say that I will get into trouble, all I know is that everyone always brings decadent desserts and well, you don’t have to be a genius to know that desserts + compulsive eater may = trouble.

This year, I will try to engage myself more with my guests instead of obsessing about the food. My therapist recently gave me a strategy or two and I’m planning on trying to execute them for the first time (I hope I can remember them when I’m in host mode!). At the same time, I plan on being kinder to myself and will take a baby step - I will try not to make the desserts the ‘forbidden fruit’. I know they will be in my house, I will do my best to not make such a big deal about it in my head before and during, and I will do my best to make good choices. It would be so nice if this could be a truly enjoyable time spent with friends, instead of a situation where the crux of the party is food-driven for me.

What strategies have worked for you? Please share them!

Dream Dinner Out as Non-Compulsive Overeater

love2eatinpa — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 01:51:29 +0000

Man, what I would give to be able to have a normal relationship with food, instead of being a compulsive overeater, even just for one night out to eat.

Here is how this dream dinner at a restaurant would look… (cue the dream sequence music…) I would read over the entire menu and see what I was in the mood for, regardless of whether or not the food had a cream sauce, if it was breaded and/or fried, if it was healthy, or what the starch being served along with it was. Of course I would be perusing this menu as I enjoyed an exotic alcoholic beverage.

I would order whatever I felt like, maybe even opt for a creamy soup instead of a salad, or oh my goodness, maybe I would even order an appetizer that was fried. I would have a piece or two of the bread and spread some butter on it. I would be served all of these foods and be able to stop eating them when I felt like I’d had enough. I would leave the remainder sitting in front of me, no problem, feeling completely happy and satiated with whatever portion I just ate.

To finish the meal, I would choose any dessert that looked good to me. I would eat some of it until I was satisfied, then simply be able to just move the plate away or sit with it right in front of me and not give it another thought, have no longing for it whatsoever.

In this dream, if I perhaps felt I ate too much on this night out, I would quite simply eat a bit less the next day and it wouldn’t phase me a bit. No hunger pains or obsession for the same decadent foods. Ho-hum, just another day.

How I wish that this wasn’t a dream. How I wish I could eat in a restaurant just as I described, just like anyone who has a normal relationship with food, and that the above situation would just be a regular night of eating out for me.

What would your dream dinner out as a person who has a normal relationship with food look like?

Brownies Follow-Up

love2eatinpa — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:07:22 +0000

So after the whole birthday party episode on Sunday night, last night, after giving it entirely way too much thought, I opted to eat an m&m brownie for dessert. This time, I put it on a plate, and sat down. I was very conscious about my eating and focused only on enjoying brownie. I took little bites, actually chewed and swallowed the bites, then took another bite. In other words, I actually savored it. I don’t do that enough and I know that.

It was very good and I enjoyed the brownie very much. In the end though, it was short-lived enjoyment. It was just a piece of food. Gasp! Did I really just say that!?!??!?