The birthday celebration started Friday night when two dear friends took me out to dinner. There is nothing like getting out with a couple of friends and just relaxing while the husband takes care of the kids.

Saturday night we went to a casino-type fundraiser for our synagogue. I already knew the dinner menu was not foods that I particularly care to eat, so I ate dinner beforehand. I was a little concerned about the dessert buffet, but was armed with a plan of being choice-ful and enjoying a few things that I really enjoyed.

Some little victories happened… first, they had m&m’s and hershey’s kisses out on all the tables. For some reason that I cannot fathom, I didn’t want any. (Um, hello, did I just say that I didn’t want any chocolate!?!?!)These candy’s are my some of my favs too! I don’t know whether I knew that they are triggers for me and I knew that if I had one I would keep on going. Maybe they just weren’t special enough and I was waiting for the good stuff on the dessert buffet. Perhaps my stomach felt full from the can of caffeine free sprite I just drank. Or maybe, I was just being a “normal” eater and I was able to be present in conversations instead of fixating on the chocolate that was just inches away from me. Whatever the case may be, I was pleased with myself.

Two hours into the four-hour event, the desserts were not out and I was hungry and I was feeling chilly. I wanted something at home, not the m&m’s or kisses. So my husband walked me out to our car and I left. (He would easily get a ride home with someone else in our neighborhood. And oh, turns out that when they did in fact put out the desserts, they were killer. While I would have enjoyed them and hoped that I would stick to my plan and not letting the food rule me, I was kind of glad that I didn’t even have to deal with it.)

So I came home, had the dessert that I wanted, made a nice cup of decaf coffee and felt good about my choices.

For SO many years my birthday revolved around food. As I’ve mentioned in other posts, I would make a list of food, that I would work on for months, of special, decadent treats that I would typically not indulge in, that were saved especially for my birthday. I would spend the day driving around to bakeries, markets, etc to buy all the things on my list. Some I would eat in the car as I was going, some I would just gorge on when I get home. It was a a true day of utter gluttony. I felt stuffed all day, but that didn’t stop me from shovelling these treats in, because after all, it was my special day and I deserved it, right?

The past two years of being binge-free, I worried what I would do on my birthday, because the usual binge-to-end-all-binges was out of the question. Quite frankly, I really didn’t know what to do with myself to celebrate.

But this year, something has changed. I told my husband that I wanted a day of peace and quiet. I wanted him to take over (most of) the parenting reigns of our elementary school-aged children. I wanted him to the be the one, for this one day of the year, to wake up with the kids and get them ready for Sunday school. Instead of me being the one to tell them – hurry up and eat… get ready…get your sneakers on…you gotta go..etc, like I do for school. I left him to be do the parent policing in the morning for a change and he was happy to oblige.

I lazed in bed, which I never do, caught in that sweet world of not quite asleep and not quite awake, knowing that I, for once, did not have to rush downstairs to get the kids ready to go out the door. It was wonderful. I ate my breakfast and got ready for the gym in a calm, peaceful manner, knowing I had no agenda or commitments to my day, other than to just chill out.

Typically my days are gogogo, rushrushrush, hurryhurryhurry, dododo, so to be in a relaxed mode was a fantastic.

The cardio portion of my workout was unusually high energy. A good way to kick off my first day of being 42!

My husband and kids surprised me in the early afternoon with one of those “baby” cakes (chocolate cake with chocolate icing, of course!) that is double layer and only about 6″ in diameter. I had a small piece and the frosting was really delish. The four of us at half the cake.

I started contemplating eating just the frosting off the rest of it. I hadn’t eaten anything after lunch and more frosting could be eaten instead of my afternoon snacks. I ran it past my husband, who said I should enjoy my birthday and just toss what’s left of the cake in the trash.

So you know what, I did just that. I slowly ate and savored just the chocolate icing over the course of about 30 minutes. I tried to keep a rough mental count of how much I was having so I could account for the calories. It was a yummy, special birthday treat and I felt no guilt in eating it. It was not a compulsive, secretive, frenzied binge, just someone “letting go” and enjoying a treat in a controlled fashion for one day.

That evening the two of us went out for a nice dinner. I ate lightly as I was still satiated from the frosting. The restaurant brought up a cupcake with a candle in it, which was an unexpected surprise. I ate maybe 1/3 of it at best, my husband at the rest.

Then they brought the dessert tray over. There were a couple of things that looked really good. I knew I didn’t want chocolate, because clearly I had enough of that already. I was in a real quandary – do I split one of the desserts with my husband simply because it was my birthday and why shouldn’t I enjoy, or do I truly realize that I have had quite enough dessert for the day and pass. The voices in my head were having quite a field day arguing with one another. I looked to my husband for his opinion and he said – it’s your birthday. I honestly didn’t know what to do.

So after a few minutes of my wishy-washy indecision, my husband finally said the magic words – let’s pass. My immediate reaction, a physical reaction, was the feeling of a punch in my gut. But then I realized he was right and was glad he made the decision.

So all told, I went over my calorie count by around 400. Certainly not the end of the world for one day and so ended my birthday story, and today I’m right back to my normal eating habits, but….

the winner of the “Stop Overeating TODAY!” book is Diana! Congrats!! Diana, please email me your mailing address and the author will send the book directly to you.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

I felt very calm and relaxed. I was choice-ful prior to going and decided that I would taste/eat things that looked really good. I ate three small things and enjoyed them very much. I even tasted one additional thing, but it wasn’t that good and I tossed it.

It was SO nice to feel calm instead of frenzied. After I ate what I wanted, I walked away from the table and was able to have a conversation with a good friend and no longer focused on the food. (*gasp* did I really just say I walked away from the desserts and didn’t think about them anymore and focused on a friend instead?!??!) It was such a nice change for me and I felt very good about it.

On a different note… this morning it has been one month since the last time I got on the scale. Unfortunately, Aunt Flo made a surprise, early visit yesterday so I didn’t think today would be a good day to get an accurate reading from the scale. I’m going to wait a few days before getting on. Nonetheless, I’m thrilled that I feel comfortable going from daily weigh-ins to now two months in a row of only getting on once a month. Progress!!

Lastly….Saturday night my family and I will be getting together with two dear friends and their families for pizza and fun. Our reoccurring desserts – homemade brownies and chocolate chip cookies will be there. I will read over my recent blogs to help stay grounded and be choice-ful again. Nothing like being put to the test twice in three days! =)

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Again, in no particular order…

He said to focus on one event at a time and to not make the assumption that whatever happened last time, will happen again. I need to reign in my projections that if I binge once, then I will automatically keep bingeing. I would be giving myself less credit to what I’ve already accomplished.

He suggested meditating about it beforehand and envision/think – the food may taste good, but what does it do my body (clog arteries, make my stomach upset, cause weight gain, etc.)? The desserts do nothing good for my body except taste good for 10 seconds.

He suggested trying a self-hypnotic technique before going to an event where a dessert buffet will be. He said to picture any and every dessert that I can think of that I like and tell myself that the desserts don’t matter to me. Doing this could desensitize myself to the importance of it.

HOWEVER, we agreed that there was nothing wrong with finding pleasure in great-tasting food, but he suggested that tastes of food are really all that is necessary. Science shows, and we all know, that the first bite of anything is the best, the most explosive. The brain knows that the second and third bites aren’t going to taste any better.(For SO many years, I have chased the perfect bite of something. While bingeing, if the first bite wasn’t as good as I expected, I thought for sure the second bite would be better and so on until I stuffed myself sick looking for this elusive amazing bite.)

He said that the key is in grounding. When I’m home or even at a restaurant, I feel grounded. But at any occasion where there is a buffet of food, I’m outside my self, ungrounded. Making myself feel grounded around the buffets is the key, so I don’t feel out of control.

We basically got it down to the fact that I had two choices when going to these events where there would be buffets of dessert available.

1. First is I could go in with the mindset that I will not partake at all. I have done this in the past by putting a piece of mint chewing gum in my mouth. My mouth was busy with something sweet and let’s face it, nothing tastes good/right after you spit out your gum. (of course I totally forgot my own trick last week – duh!!!)

2. Going in the other direction,I can be choice-ful. I can plan to taste/enjoy some of the desserts, within my parameters, and I will therefore be grounded instead of feeling frenzied.

He also recommended that I take stock more, of all that I’ve been doing. I’ve been re-writing history with my actions, which is something I should be proud of.

The frenzied feeling is replicating something that happened in my life before, where I wasn’t properly comforted. We talked about how the desserts bring instant gratification, gratifications that I never had growing up. So pretty much every time I get crazy over dessert, I am doing it because of something that happened in my past, a coping mechanism I put into place over 30 years ago. So why in the world would I want to binge today over something that happened to me when I was a kid?

As luck would have it, I get to put this all to the test in a couple of hours. We have a sad family event to go to that is notorious for having tons of desserts, because that is what everyone brings. But you know what, while yes, I have thought about it, I’m not in a panic about. I feel much more relaxed going in. I will only be there for an hour or so, I feel comfortable knowing it’s a short duration. I will choose to either stick a piece of gum in my mouth or I will, in a choice-ful way, decide to allow myself tastes of desserts that I love. I will not make these things forbidden. I will try my best to not let desserts have power over me. I will try to remember that stuffing myself with dessert tonight will not change what my mother or father said/did to me years ago.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

My therapist totally rocks and we talk about tons of things that are very meaningful and I know it makes up the pieces of the puzzle that make me who I am. I know that all these new awarenesses I gain via him are making me grow as a person and I am so grateful for that. I know that these new awarenesses are helping to allow me to expand my life and LIVE, which will help reduce the compulsive eating part of my life.

However, when I go to my monthly appointment tomorrow, I feel like I need to do some hardcore therapy about this eating disorder because I HATEDHATEDHATED that frenzy that took over my body in the room / near the dessert buffet. I have lived through the eating frenzy more times than I can count, even while I’ve managed to stay binge-free (thank you, “forces of good,” that kept me from crossing the line!)

I’m at my ‘happy’ weight and I’ve been maintaining it for about 17 months. I feel good in my skin. I don’t hate myself or my body. However, I want this struggle to stop being so damn hard when I’m faced with buffets.

When I’m home, I’m pretty much fine most of the time. When I eat at a restaurant, I’m mostly fine. So, OK, I admit it, I’m looking for the quick fix. These frickin buffets are so troublesome before and during the event, and I want SO badly for that frenzied, out-of-control feeling to stop, like, yesterday please!

I know that that is what separates me from being a “normal” eater. A normal eater doesn’t have a tangible, physical yearning at the mere site of a dessert table. A normal eater certainly overindulges sometimes, but this palpable yearning is a special feeling that, well, I believe comes from my ED (I can’t speak for all compulsive eaters), I have that I REALLY want to kick to the curb.

While I have gone over 2 years without bingeing and have managed to put on the brakes somehow when the frenzy for food clicked on in my head, I want to get rid of it entirely. Is that too much to ask?

I admittedly follow the intuitive eating to a point. I’ve let go of the reigns a bit and allow myself more treats than I have in the past and I have no regrets when I do. So that is a big step. However, intuitive eating (and it’s way too much to get into here) says you should totally go for it and eat everything you want and once you allow yourself to have them, they will no longer be a big deal because they won’t be forbidden.

Well, to be honest, I’m afraid of gaining weight from doing that. I’m afraid that if I let myself go like that, I will go back to my old ways of bingeing/compulsive overeating and that hunger cues will fly out the window. I’m also afraid to give up calorie counting, another intuitive eating recommendation. I don’t want to have to go by myself a whole new wardrobe as I experiment. I want to have my cake and eat it too dammit!

So I’ve been taking baby steps. As I said, I’ve loosened the reigns on having some extra treats and feeling no regrets. On Friday I will get on the scale for the second time in two months. As a once-, or sometimes twice-a-day weigher for decades, that is huge for me.

I just feel like I need some more tools in my tool belt on how to better deal with the buffets/parties/events. I’m pretty much ok when I’m just at home on my own or just having dinner out with friends where everyone is given a single serving of something. I need more hardcore tools to deal with time when I’m faced with multiple foods laid out in front of me.

I hope my therapist is ready for me.

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Here is how I scored myself:

1. I ate a good amount of challah. I LOVE the guts of any kind of bread – the doughy knots of a pretzel and best of all, the insides of an uncut challah or roll. The crust of any breadstuff has no appeal to me whatsoever, I like the doughy insides. While I did eat it rather compulsively, it could have been much worse. (This is embarassing, but in the past I would have went to other tables where people had left, and ate their challah as well.) So because it is not something that I get to eat very often, I let my intuitive eating lessons take over and allowed myself to enjoy, without guilt, something that I truly enjoy. B+

2. I had two very small pieces, plus finished off my son’s piece, of chocolate chip cake. This is famous, not-to-be-missed, worth-very-calorie cake from a local baker. I could have totally gone to town on it, but did not. Ok, so I sat next to my son, telepathically telling him he was full so he would leave some on his plate for me to finish (and hey, it worked!), but he didn’t leave me much. The yearning to keep going back for more was there and I did lurk around the cake a little bit, but I didn’t dig in as I would have in a heartbeat in the past. All together, I probably ate one normal-sized piece, which is no big deal. Again, I go to the intuitive eating teachings of eating what you really enjoy, so I did, no regrets. B+

3. I tried three other little pastries. One I didn’t like, so I tossed it (yay me!), the other two I did like so I finished them. A for tossing and C for still trying to eat stuff even though I broke my plan of having two things – the challah and the cake.

4. Eating these things compulsively. C

5. Trying to once again use my telepathic skills to get my husband to turn his back or leave the room so I could go get more challah or cake – D. It’s ironic that I tell him ahead of time to please keep an eye on me so I don’t go crazy. He does his job and a part of me loves him for that, but the other part of me, while I’m enjoying the food and my body is craving more, is super pissed because he won’t turn his back or leave the room so I can sneak in some more. (My telepathic skills did not work on him. The force is strong with that one, unlike with my little guy. (pathetic Star Wars reference))

Because I had a small dinner, overall I went over in calories (by my best guesstimation) by about 250, which in the grand scheme of things is no big deal and I’m totally fine with it. I enjoyed some good treats (mostly in moderation) and well, life is short, so I ate them. There were A LOT of desserts to choose from, and in the past I would have totally gone to town eating them, so compared to 2+ years ago, I did really well.

While in the moment I definitely wanted to eat more, but once we left, those feelings were gone and it did not continue at home. So I remain binge-free. And oh, I realized that I forgot to put the bead that marks 26 months on my binge-free bracelet, so I did that this morning.

The two bigger beads in the middle are the yearly beads, the two on the ends each represent a month.

So looking back, in the big picture, while I definitely still felt/acted with compulsive behaviors, I really did ok, probably scoring about a B. I did not go overboard with my calories and I got to enjoy some very good eats in a somewhat controlled fashion. Most of all, I was able to reign myself in and not continue with my sugar/carb high when I got back home and I remained binge-free.

This all got me to thinking… these dessert buffets are really tough for me. So in the future, do I miss out on events by skippping them, thereby taking care of myself and leave no way for me to get into trouble OR do I keep going, enjoy some treats, but have it be a tough experience for me? I don’t want to miss special events or time with family, yet, it is stressful and anxiety-ridden for me before I go and while I am there. I know I need to learn better how to deal with them and do have some tools, but they seem to fly out the window when I’m in the presence of desserts. This frickin eating disorder!!

What would you do – skip events that you know are stressful and are conducive to bingeing, or go and just try to do your best? Do you think I was too easy or hard on myself?

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

Since I was a kid and all through high school, I was a tomboy, always playing organized sports, and when that ended I would join a gym or just work out on my own, and then I ended up being a runner for 11 years.

With compulsive overeating and bingeing since I was a kid, I’m certain that I would have gotten to much higher than my highest weight of 172 on my 5’3″ frame had I not always been an exerciser.

I need to thank my lucky stars for that because I’ve been learning via the blogosphere that exercising is foreign to many people and they have a hard time motivating themselves to get to the gym.

For me, going to the gym four days a week is like brushing my teeth. It’s just something I do, without fail, it’s just part of my schedule. If something comes up that forces me to miss my gym time, I panic at first, then put a plan into place to still get in a workout somehow.

For instance, if one of my kids stays home sick from school and it’s a gym day, I will just workout on my treadmill and lift weights at home. I embrace it by thinking that I’m working different muscles, which is a good thing.

For me, exercising has always been a great stress reliever and it has been key in helping me get down to my “happy weight” along with, of course, not bingeing for over two years. I know, like eating healthy, that it is something I will need to do for the rest of my life.

And from happy words about exercising I switch to my vulnerability… tonight we are going to a function at our synagogue which among other things, will include an *ulp* big dessert buffet. Man, just knowing that I’m going to face that tonight makes my heart palpitate. Even after 2+ years binge-free, these dessert buffets are still troublesome for me.

Deep breath, stay calm. You can do this!

I’m trying to frame this properly, to not set it up in a terrible light. It is just food. (Food that calls to me, begging me to eat it!)

Because not going is not an option, my plan is to peruse the myriad of desserts and pick the one or two that really look good and have a little bit of those couple of things.

The intuitive eating I’m trying to incorporate in my life says to enjoy the stuff that is really good. Life is too short to skip really good desserts. So I just need to remember that, enjoy the couple of things that are really good and not feel bad about it. Most importantly, I need to not to pull up a fork and a chair to this glorious buffet and blow my abstinence.

How about you, does exercising come easy for you or is it a struggle? How do you handle dessert buffets?

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

What if at future occasions where there is going to be dessert buffets, before I even get there, gave myself permission to go over my calorie count that day by a few hundred calories?  (Logically, I know that if I go over my calorie count once in a while it will not be the end of the world.  I have proved that to myself in the past when I have had little slips.  Twenty pounds does not magically jump onto my body from eating 200 calories over my count once in a while.)  What if I allowed myself to have bits of desserts that I thought looked good and stopped making it seem like “forbidden fruit.”  Would it take away the yearning and compulsion to eat something  I know I shouldn’t?  If I were kinder to myself that way, would that be liberating and freeing for me? 

What if I stopped working so hard at being so disciplined with my eating at these ’events’ and allowed myself to be free and human, and not make the desserts into such a taboo thing.  And while I prefer to eat my calories instead of drinking them, what if I had one entire drink with my dinner so I can relax a little bit and let my hair down, instead of having to cut out dessert or part of my meal to make up for the calories.

The million dollar question:  If I did these things, made the dinner drink and desserts acceptable, would it be the greatest, most freeing thing in the world, or would it lead me back to binging?

Is my strict, discipline (read: control) the reason for my success of almost two years  of abstinence and keeping my weight loss for over a year, or perhaps would trying to let go of my strictness going somehow free me and my mind from the angst?