Here is how I scored myself:

1. I ate a good amount of challah. I LOVE the guts of any kind of bread – the doughy knots of a pretzel and best of all, the insides of an uncut challah or roll. The crust of any breadstuff has no appeal to me whatsoever, I like the doughy insides. While I did eat it rather compulsively, it could have been much worse. (This is embarassing, but in the past I would have went to other tables where people had left, and ate their challah as well.) So because it is not something that I get to eat very often, I let my intuitive eating lessons take over and allowed myself to enjoy, without guilt, something that I truly enjoy. B+

2. I had two very small pieces, plus finished off my son’s piece, of chocolate chip cake. This is famous, not-to-be-missed, worth-very-calorie cake from a local baker. I could have totally gone to town on it, but did not. Ok, so I sat next to my son, telepathically telling him he was full so he would leave some on his plate for me to finish (and hey, it worked!), but he didn’t leave me much. The yearning to keep going back for more was there and I did lurk around the cake a little bit, but I didn’t dig in as I would have in a heartbeat in the past. All together, I probably ate one normal-sized piece, which is no big deal. Again, I go to the intuitive eating teachings of eating what you really enjoy, so I did, no regrets. B+

3. I tried three other little pastries. One I didn’t like, so I tossed it (yay me!), the other two I did like so I finished them. A for tossing and C for still trying to eat stuff even though I broke my plan of having two things – the challah and the cake.

4. Eating these things compulsively. C

5. Trying to once again use my telepathic skills to get my husband to turn his back or leave the room so I could go get more challah or cake – D. It’s ironic that I tell him ahead of time to please keep an eye on me so I don’t go crazy. He does his job and a part of me loves him for that, but the other part of me, while I’m enjoying the food and my body is craving more, is super pissed because he won’t turn his back or leave the room so I can sneak in some more. (My telepathic skills did not work on him. The force is strong with that one, unlike with my little guy. (pathetic Star Wars reference))

Because I had a small dinner, overall I went over in calories (by my best guesstimation) by about 250, which in the grand scheme of things is no big deal and I’m totally fine with it. I enjoyed some good treats (mostly in moderation) and well, life is short, so I ate them. There were A LOT of desserts to choose from, and in the past I would have totally gone to town eating them, so compared to 2+ years ago, I did really well.

While in the moment I definitely wanted to eat more, but once we left, those feelings were gone and it did not continue at home. So I remain binge-free. And oh, I realized that I forgot to put the bead that marks 26 months on my binge-free bracelet, so I did that this morning.

The two bigger beads in the middle are the yearly beads, the two on the ends each represent a month.

So looking back, in the big picture, while I definitely still felt/acted with compulsive behaviors, I really did ok, probably scoring about a B. I did not go overboard with my calories and I got to enjoy some very good eats in a somewhat controlled fashion. Most of all, I was able to reign myself in and not continue with my sugar/carb high when I got back home and I remained binge-free.

This all got me to thinking… these dessert buffets are really tough for me. So in the future, do I miss out on events by skippping them, thereby taking care of myself and leave no way for me to get into trouble OR do I keep going, enjoy some treats, but have it be a tough experience for me? I don’t want to miss special events or time with family, yet, it is stressful and anxiety-ridden for me before I go and while I am there. I know I need to learn better how to deal with them and do have some tools, but they seem to fly out the window when I’m in the presence of desserts. This frickin eating disorder!!

What would you do – skip events that you know are stressful and are conducive to bingeing, or go and just try to do your best? Do you think I was too easy or hard on myself?

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

Before I went to my first OA meeting and was trying to see what OA was all about, I bought the book “The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous.”  Reading this produced many “ah ha” moments for me.  Just the first few chapters of the book showed me that this eating disorder is something that I needed to take ownership of.  Oddly enough, this was reassuring in that I could finally put my food issues into their own compartment. (I am someone who needs to compartmentalize things in my head to help me digest them.)

Another great book that I read is simply called “Overeaters Anonymous” Second Edition.  It is a book of short stories written by fellow compulsive overeaters.  Though none of the stories are exactly my story, there are always some pieces of the story that either are me or really “speak” to me.  Somehow, there is something very reassuring in knowing that the crazy thoughts you have in your head, or crazy things you have done in regard to food have been thought/done by someone else.  It doesn’t help you stop compulsively eating, but there is just something comforting being able to relate to these other people, knowing that you are not alone.  You can also be inspired by have they have obtained abstinence.

I am in the middle of reading another book right now, one that was recommended to me by someone who responded to one of my blogs (thanks again, Lara!!!), called “Intuitive Eating,  a Revolutionary Program that Works”.  The book is mainly for those who have been on and off diets for many years.  It helps to give you a whole other mindset on how to view food and eating.  Though I’m not someone who has tried following any particular diet, I’m still finding the book to be very interesting and helpful.  Some of the chapters are titled - “honor your hunger”  “make peace with food”  and “cope with your emotions without using food” to name a few. 

I am grateful for any bits and pieces that I can refer back to in these books that I can use  to help aid me in my journey to recovery.