However, there is a bit of a wrench thrown in there with the triathlon training… as often happens when you workout a lot/differently, you sometimes lose your appetite.

Now if I was following the rules of IE, I would only eat when I’m hungry. But because I know that my body needs refueling from all the effort it is putting out, I really need to make sure I’m eating enough calories so I have the energy for the training.

So as a recovering compulsive overeater, I’m walking a fine line here. Because I know that I need to do it for my body, I’ve often been eating even when I’m not hungry. That is dangerous territory, but I know training-wise, it is the right thing to do.

A friend saw me at the gym last week and thought I looked like I had lost weight. I appreciated her honesty and took it the way it was intended, with caring. I had some major trouble sleeping last week, so that combined with her comment led me to get on the scale Friday morning (instead of waiting for this week’s weigh-in for the month) out of medical concern. I have dropped another pound. That makes 3-4 pounds down since starting the IE. While that is a wonderful, hopeful thing for all of us to know, (as I feared I would gain weight by not counting calories and weighing/measuring food) to be honest, it would not be healthy for me to lose more weight.

Aside from the freaky two nights of not sleeping, I feel OK and my training is going well. So I’m really in dangerous territory here — I know that I can afford to gain a few pounds, and due to training, I’m eating more because I know I should, not because I’m hungry, yet I’m still trying to be an intuitive eater. Quite mixed bag, huh? *sigh*

I’m wiggling the “rules” a bit to stay strong for my workouts, but I SOO don’t want this to head in the other direction. It’s hard to tell a recovering compulsive overeater, who has been binge-free for over two years, that they really can/should eat more. I’ve worked so hard at my recovery, got to a really great place, but I’m not an idiot, like an alcoholic or drug addict, it wouldn’t be hard to slip back into the old habits I had for 30+ years.

I need to keep my head in the right place. I can do this. I’M WORTH IT and it is definitely not worth going back to bingeing/compulsive overeating.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

Well, since I ate a salad for lunch yesterday, I decided to take, what probably seems ridiculous to most of you, but a big step for me, I ordered “regular” food.

I started with a side salad, then got a meal of broiled scallops, baked potato and veggies du jour (which actually included corn, one of the few veggies I like!).

So for the first time since I started on my quest to be binge-free over 2 years ago, I ordered non-rabbit food for dinner. Even my daughter said incredulously – “you didn’t get a salad!?!?” Ugh, how sad is that!?!?!

So I only ate roughly half of my meal, plus I ate some of the cheese off of my daughter’s personal pizza and took one french fry from my son’s plate.

I was quite pleased with myself as I have had a fear all this time that if I ordered ‘normal’ food I would not be able to have the whole plateful of food in front of me and be able to stop eating when I’ve had enough. When I order salad, I know that I can eat every morsel. So yay! A small victory for me!

I even finished off my son’s ice cream sundae with no regrets, as dessert. And the other day I took my kids for water ice and actually joined them in getting something. Normally I would have looked over the water ice place’s nutritional info ahead of time and would know in advance which item (with the lowest calories of course!) I was going to choose, if I was going to get anything at all. But I didn’t this time. I ate a small water ice treat like a normal person. I didn’t look up the calories when I got home either. I didn’t care. I ate when I was hungry and just trusted myself and my body.

I know this stuff all sounds silly, but it is so huge for me. I’m feeling “normal”!

Though I admit to doing a little bit of tallying in my head at dinner to make sure I didn’t go crazy, I did not hit my computer the minute we walked in the door to see how many calories I consumed (nor did I tally them later). My gosh, it is so liberating to be able to do that!

And oh, I just looked at the calendar and realized that today is the 4-week of anniversary of no calorie counting and weighing/measuring food!! Woohoo! If you would have told me six months ago I would be doing this, I would have laughed in your face.

Anyway, just wanted to share this little victory, because I was pretty happy about it. Each day that goes by, I get a little more confident and it’s such a great feeling. I pray that it continues. I’m still a work in progress, but one that is making progress.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

To be honest, I never had a goal weight in mind.

About 27 months ago, when I realized I had an eating disorder and started my quest to be binge-free, I pretty much went on a 1700-1750 calorie a day routine of eating healthy foods with some chocolate thrown in every day so I didn’t feel deprived. As you know, I weighed/measured my food portions and kept a tally of the calories I ingested.

I also worked out (and still do) four days a week pretty much without fail.

Well, the weight came off and my body, after about 10 months of being binge-free, just somehow naturally settled at the weight I am now while eating that amount of calories per day and following the same workout routine. I guess that was my body’s way of telling me that this is a good, healthy weight for me.

So I really didn’t have a weight I was shooting for, I just stopped losing weight and have maintained for about 18 months.

Now that I’ve switched to intuitive eating, I guess I will really find out what weight my body wants/needs to be. I hope it isn’t too much different than my current weight. I’ve started on a new journey and I’m interested to see where it leads me.

Do you feel like your body is at it’s natural, healthy weight?

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

I have a little secret that I can’t keep to myself any longer. I wrote this write before I left but did not publish it because I did not know how things would go on my trip…

It is part of my nightly routine to read for about 10-15 minutes in bed before going to sleep. As you know, I’ve toying with the idea of changing to intuitive eating, but wasn’t sure when the right time was – before I leave for vacation, wait until I get back, wait to see if I gain weight from the estrogen supplements, on and on.

So last Friday night, March 26, I was reading this great book recommended by No More Diet Drama called “Goodbye Ed, Hello Me” by Jenni Schaefer (Ed stands for eating disorder) and it just so happened the chapter was about taking the leap of faith to go to intuitive eating. It basically said it’s like climbing a mountain and either slidinig back down or grabbing a parachute and taking the leap.

As I’m a firm believer in everthing happens for a reason, and that I just happened to be reading it as I was floundering on when to begin, I decided to take the leap the very next day. So the next day, Saturday, prior to leaving for the trip, I did not measure one thing I ate, I did not jot down the calories I consumed. I listened to my body and ate when it was hungry and stopped when I was full. I DID IT! I even went to my nephews birthday party (which I’ll write about soon). And you know what, it was really no big deal. It felt good to empower myself like that.

I didn’t even do the calculations in my head, which I totally thought I would do. Let’s face it, after all these past few years of eating my food plan, I pretty much know what I can eat in a day, and I just trusted myself to eat what was right for me when I was hungry.

So I don’t know how many calories I ate, I don’t know how much weight this estrogen is putting on me and I won’t know what I weigh until I get on the scale again until mid April. All of these things that I had a white-knuckle-grip of compulsive control on, I have let go.

Once I get through my mountains of laundry, I will let you know how things went on my trip.

Have a great weekend!

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

I will try to get in a few workouts and we’ll certainly be doing a lot of walking.

This new calmness is a wonderful and new feeling for me.

I will be pulling out of the archives some old posts of mine and scheduling them to post while I’m away because I thought it might be good for me to be reminded, and hopefully enjoyable for you to see, where this journey of mine began. While I will try to read and respond to any comments left on my blog, I unfortunately won’t have time to read your blogs and leave comments, so I’m sorry about that.

More thoughts on intuitive eating… I apologize that I keep clarifying that I’m thinking about doing this and that at any time that could change depending on my mood/day, but here goes…

I feel like over the past two years or so (since I discovered I had an ED) that I have been meandering slowly over to a fence. On one side of the fence is disordered eating, the other side is intuitive eating/ recovery. I’m binge-free, my weight has been at a constant for about 18 months, I am pretty much ok day-to-day, but outings can be challenging food-wise unless I’m really on my game.

Right now, I feel like I’m standing at the base of the fence on the disordered eating side and I’m looking over at the intuitive eating/recovered side. I just need to take the first step to start climbing the fence. The fence is tall and scary, out of my comfort zone. But I have a quiet calm about me now in regard to food, so maybe it is my time to start the climb over.

I have also decided that when I take that climb, my intuitive eating will be exactly what I’m doing right now as far as eating healthy. I’m not sure I’m ready to just have anything I want, as per intuitive eating, and be ok with that. I’m not sure I’m ready to just have anything I want and be ok with that. So does that mean I won’t be intuitive eating? Do I have to do that part? It just feels safe to me right now. Can I just do what I’m doing now, but minus the weighing/meausuring of my portions and writing down every calorie I take in?

I have gotten pretty good at listening to my hunger cues and not just eating because it’s a certain time on the clock. So that is a good thing. I also think I’m pretty ok with knowing when I’ve had enough, although when I portion things, I know that I can totally finish everything, so that part is a little sketchy.

I know that slips here and there won’t kill me and that “normal” eaters sometimes overeat too. That gives me a level of comfort. I think I’m at a point where I have learned to let go a bit and enjoy foods that really taste good, go over in my calories a little and not beat myself up about it. From what I’ve read, that is what separates us ED’d folks from “normal” eaters. They don’t obsess about overeating one meal.

So does that still count as intuitive eating? Will doing what I wrote above put me on the other side of the fence?

Have a wonderful week and happy holidays everyone!

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

So why this sudden change, you ask? I’m wondering too. Could be due to a few reasons, not sure if it’s all or any of the below…

1. Lately I’ve been preoccupied with fixing some feminine pain issues that I’ve been suffering with for over 10 years. Over the course of that time, I have seen a few different doctors and tried many treatments to no avail. I just saw a new doctor last week, who came highly recommened, and he feels 90% sure of both my diagnosis and the treatment that he prescribed will cure me. He is coming at my issue from a totally different angle than the other doctors did. I’m so excited about this, but am trying to remain cautiously optimistic as I know it may not work for me. He put me on estrogen and other med too, (which I just started today) so maybe I’m preoccupied with that and not so into food.

2. As I mentioned yesterday, I’ve been taking an estrogen supplement for a week now. I know my body became slightly depleted of estrogen after my weight loss leveled off 18 months ago, and perhaps I really need this supplement to fix a hormonal imbalance. Could that be why I’m feeling so good -my body now has the right amount of hormones it needs? I hope I don’t gain weight from the estrogen, but I’m guessing that if I truly gained big pounds, we could lower the dosage and still gain some of the benefits but less of the weight. I will cross that bridge if and when I come to it. Thanks so much to those of you who wrote in to say they/or they knew people who weren’t, really affected by it. I hope I am one of them!

3. That great book I mentioned – “Eating in the Light of the Moon, how women can let go of compulsive eating through metaphor and storytelling” by Anita Johnston.

Reading that has really showed me how and why I became eating disordered. As some of you may know, I didn’t even realize I had an eating disorder until a little over two years ago. I didn’t know that all the pigging out I did since I was little, was actually called bingeing and that I was a compulsive overeater. I didn’t find out until I went into therapy that my eating issues were caused by my upbringing. This book explains what went on in my head and why I turned to food.

Here are some great points from the book…

A. One of the first things a woman on the path to recovery from disordered eating must do is to reframe her concept of who she really is. She must recognize her bright, intuitive nature for the gift that it is even though others’ discomfort with it has brought upon her some struggles and emotional wounding. She must begin to assert, both to herself and the world around her, that she is not defective.

B. Recovery from disordered eating begins with the understanding that the disordered eating behavior served you when your goal was survival. This understanding is then followed by the development of new skills that will enable you not to simply survive, but to get what you want out of life, to thrive. Survival is no longer the only goal. The goal becomes one that includes a life that is rich and fulfilling.

C. If I am obsessing about food, fat and dieting, what I am doing with food is distracting me from the real issues I struggle with in my life.

D. They do not see that the addictive object (food in my case) is a representation of something much greater, this it in only a symbol of what they truly desire. They do not understand that the terrible emptiness they feel is a spritual or emotional emptiness, not a physical one.

E. Addictions keep us from being fully present in the moment with ourselves, our feelings, our friends, our lovers, or with whomever or whatever might have capuured our attention. Instead we find ourselves agonizing over how many calories we ate earlier in the day.

If you are obsessing about yesterday or planning for tomorrow, you will be unable to take in and receive whatever is in front of you that can be nourishing: a smile from a child, the scent of a rose, a favorite tune, a brilliant sunset. So the hunger continues and the emptiness grows.

I could go on and on pulling text out of the book, but I think you get the idea and see how powerful these ideas are.

4. I realize that we all go through cyclical highs and lows on a monthly basis, maybe I’m just on a crazy high right now and in two days I’ll be back to my normal, scared-of-intuitive-eating self.

So it could be any of these reasons of why I feel so good and feel like I am a step closer to trying the intuitive eating. As Diana pointed out in yesterday’s comments, if it doesn’t work, there is no law that says I can’t go back to my safety net of weighing/measuring my food and counting calories.

I really have nothing to lose, right? Just um, a major food obsession!

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

Here is how I scored myself:

1. I ate a good amount of challah. I LOVE the guts of any kind of bread – the doughy knots of a pretzel and best of all, the insides of an uncut challah or roll. The crust of any breadstuff has no appeal to me whatsoever, I like the doughy insides. While I did eat it rather compulsively, it could have been much worse. (This is embarassing, but in the past I would have went to other tables where people had left, and ate their challah as well.) So because it is not something that I get to eat very often, I let my intuitive eating lessons take over and allowed myself to enjoy, without guilt, something that I truly enjoy. B+

2. I had two very small pieces, plus finished off my son’s piece, of chocolate chip cake. This is famous, not-to-be-missed, worth-very-calorie cake from a local baker. I could have totally gone to town on it, but did not. Ok, so I sat next to my son, telepathically telling him he was full so he would leave some on his plate for me to finish (and hey, it worked!), but he didn’t leave me much. The yearning to keep going back for more was there and I did lurk around the cake a little bit, but I didn’t dig in as I would have in a heartbeat in the past. All together, I probably ate one normal-sized piece, which is no big deal. Again, I go to the intuitive eating teachings of eating what you really enjoy, so I did, no regrets. B+

3. I tried three other little pastries. One I didn’t like, so I tossed it (yay me!), the other two I did like so I finished them. A for tossing and C for still trying to eat stuff even though I broke my plan of having two things – the challah and the cake.

4. Eating these things compulsively. C

5. Trying to once again use my telepathic skills to get my husband to turn his back or leave the room so I could go get more challah or cake – D. It’s ironic that I tell him ahead of time to please keep an eye on me so I don’t go crazy. He does his job and a part of me loves him for that, but the other part of me, while I’m enjoying the food and my body is craving more, is super pissed because he won’t turn his back or leave the room so I can sneak in some more. (My telepathic skills did not work on him. The force is strong with that one, unlike with my little guy. (pathetic Star Wars reference))

Because I had a small dinner, overall I went over in calories (by my best guesstimation) by about 250, which in the grand scheme of things is no big deal and I’m totally fine with it. I enjoyed some good treats (mostly in moderation) and well, life is short, so I ate them. There were A LOT of desserts to choose from, and in the past I would have totally gone to town eating them, so compared to 2+ years ago, I did really well.

While in the moment I definitely wanted to eat more, but once we left, those feelings were gone and it did not continue at home. So I remain binge-free. And oh, I realized that I forgot to put the bead that marks 26 months on my binge-free bracelet, so I did that this morning.

The two bigger beads in the middle are the yearly beads, the two on the ends each represent a month.

So looking back, in the big picture, while I definitely still felt/acted with compulsive behaviors, I really did ok, probably scoring about a B. I did not go overboard with my calories and I got to enjoy some very good eats in a somewhat controlled fashion. Most of all, I was able to reign myself in and not continue with my sugar/carb high when I got back home and I remained binge-free.

This all got me to thinking… these dessert buffets are really tough for me. So in the future, do I miss out on events by skippping them, thereby taking care of myself and leave no way for me to get into trouble OR do I keep going, enjoy some treats, but have it be a tough experience for me? I don’t want to miss special events or time with family, yet, it is stressful and anxiety-ridden for me before I go and while I am there. I know I need to learn better how to deal with them and do have some tools, but they seem to fly out the window when I’m in the presence of desserts. This frickin eating disorder!!

What would you do – skip events that you know are stressful and are conducive to bingeing, or go and just try to do your best? Do you think I was too easy or hard on myself?

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

Other stuff…. On Thursday night I was sitting at my local pharmacy after a trip to the gynecologist. Without getting too gross, let’s just say that instead of the binge monster knocking on my door, in it’s place, the yeast monster has made a visit down-under three times in the last 10 weeks and I needed some serious meds.

So while I was sitting there waiting for my Rx, I see a guy walk up to pay for his stuff and he has a Haagan Daaz ice cream bar. Hmmmm… there are treats here and I did not have my dessert after dinner. So being that I’m feeling pretty uncomfortable and am surely deserving of a treat, I mosey on over to the refrigerated section. The options are limited, which is a good thing, but I did hone in on a small snack package of Dibs (bite size pieces of vanilla ice cream with a Nestle Crunch chocolate coating for those not familiar) that had a fall-in-my-range amount of calories. I had never tried them, so with a high level of expectation, I happily grabbed them.

While waiting for my meds to be ready, I opened them up and had a couple. You know what, they weren’t so great. Just ok. So I *gasp* threw them in the trash instead of wasting my calories on something that I didn’t love. Did I, a compulsive eater for 30+ years who almost never cared what the food tasted like because all I wanted to do was get it into my mouth over and over again, actually toss away a perfectly good ice cream treat??? What has become of me?!?!?

I was quite pleased with myself, though of course I hated to waste the money. (In hindsight, I could have saved the remainder to bring home to my family, but I didn’t want to sit there with a frozen treat as it might prove too tempting.) I actually followed the intuitive eating process of only eating something if you love it. So a small victory for me – yay!

Well, off to go slipping and sliding trying like hell not to fall skiing today with the family! Have a great weekend!

Have you ever shocked yourself and tossed perfectly good food away because it wasn’t as good as you expected?

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

So last night, I had dessert calories to put to use so I decided to open a pack and have one swiss roll. I thought it would taste kind of like a tandykake just morphed into a different form. It has the same ingredients right? – the ‘hard’ chocolate outside, vanilla cream and chocolate ‘cake’.

I began by breaking off a piece of the outside. It didn’t taste like a tandykake’s outside. I pulled off the cream and filling. Still not tasting the tandykake. I took a bite that included all three elements. Still didn’t taste like the tandykake I was expecting.

I then decided that I didn’t even really like it, that it wasn’t worth the 100 calories, and I did something blasphemous – I dumped the remaining 75% of it into the sink drain. OMG, did I really just admit to drowning an innocent Tastykake?

Was my expectation level too high? Do I need to go get Yodells to make sure they taste the same, or will they be a disappointment as well? Does anything from our childhood ever taste the same/as good when we are adults?

Has this disappointment ever happened to you?

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body