This post is on WATRD, but I’m running it as a cross-post here as well.
I am reading this great book by Valerie Frankel called “Thin is the New Happy” and in it she gives a very interesting statistic about parents and daughters.
She said “According to a 2006 Sanford University study, there is a direct link between parental weight criticism and bad body image. Of the study’s 455 female adult subjects, 80 percent of those with body-related anxieties (including eating disorders, chronic dieting, and/or appearance preoccupation) reported being teased or criticized by their parents about their weight during adolescence. The study’s conclusion: Teenage girls are acutely sensitive about their weight, and a parent’s negative comments exacerbate that sensitivity permanently.
80%!!! I had been reading peacefully in my bed before going to sleep when out out of nowhere I suddenly became really pissed off at my dad after reading that statistic.
I grew up with a dad who, from as young as I can remember, teased me about my rear end being big. I know that he was just teasing, but as we all know, there is often a kernel of truth that the teasing is based upon. So I grew up very self-conscious about the size of my rear. I could see in the mirror it was large, and let’s face it, when the most important man in your life chooses to tease about your rear end, well, it’s really tough to not be affected by that. Between that and my mom hiding food from me, is it any wonder I became a compulsive eater before I was even 10 years old?
About five or so years ago, I realized that my father’s “innocent” teasing may have contributed deeply to my lifelong weight problems/bingeing/compulsive eating. (This was even before I discovered I had an eating disorder since I had been a kid, and that my mom had a part in it too.)
So I decided to write him a very loving, un-accusatory letter to him at that time. I told him that I loved him and that I knew in his mind the teasing he had done in the past was all in fun and perhaps his way of expressing love to me, but that I thought it may have contributed to my weight problems.
In hindsight, I’m not sure exactly what I was trying to accomplish by giving him the letter. Maybe to open his eyes to some responsibility, perhaps for me to get some closure, who knows.
Well, my father, who I’d like to think never wanted to hurt anybody, especially his family, thinks that he can do no wrong and that (pardon my language) his shit doesn’t stink. So after pouring my heart out in this letter, painstakingly wording it as to not hurt HIS feelings, I found out from my mom that as he was reading it, he said something to the effect of “I don’t need to read this shit” and promptly threw it away.
What an ass!!! He wouldn’t even finish reading the letter, let alone take any responsibility whatsoever. Sadly, that is the kind of man he is.
I recognize that there was no malice involved with the teasing. He has gone through his life, since I was old enough to truly see the kind of person he was, never once thinking about how what he says or does affects others. Maybe that is why I am the complete opposite and am always so afraid that I have said or done something to hurt someone’s feelings. But it doesn’t mean I can’t still be a little bit pissed off that my life may have been different today had he not teased me for all those years.
Anyway, I’m writing this because ALL parents need to know how important parent-daughter relationships are. What parents say to their daughters about their appearance/weight can be highly impactful and life altering for the young girl.
I’m grateful to have found out through therapy where my eating disorder came from so I can take measures not to binge because of an old coping mechanism I learned as a child. I also know that I, unequivocally, do not want this pattern to be repeated. My mother’s hiding food from me and being teased like that in my formative years are certainly things that I will never do to either of my children.
How about you, did your parents ever say stuff to you about your weight or appearance while you were growing up?
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13 March 2010, 7:01 pm
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13 March 2010, 7:16 pm
Hi.
In my case, I wish my parents had taken a keener interest in my weight as a child – kinda the opposite of you?
Perhaps your Dad’s teasing was his way of hinting that you should perhaps lose some weight? As a man, I know there’s no way in hell I’d ever tell a woman directly that her ass was big
.
.-= Harry´s last blog ..Responsibility =-.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 13th, 2010 at 10:02 pm
you may be right, harry, maybe it was my dad’s way of saying i needed to lose some weight. unfortunately, it sent me in the opposite direction.
you’re a good man to know never to say that to a woman. =)
thanks for stopping by!
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13 March 2010, 8:41 pm
This is really interesting. I remember in 11th grade we had a public speaking class where we had to give your parents a survey about us to fill out. One of the question rated physical apperance. From what I remember it was along the lines of ‘do you think your child is attractive’ (my memory could be leaving me here). My Dad circle moderate. I remember it killing me. I was huge then, over 300lbs, and looked like a puffed up fish. I have never attributed my hardships with that response, however I can see that something like has A LOT of power to mess with kids.
.-= Michelle@Sugarwand´s last blog ..Day 10: No More Bacon =-.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 13th, 2010 at 10:13 pm
gosh, michelle, i’m surprised that a school would include on a survey anything for a parent to rate their childs looks. i’m sure it must have been weird to have your dad circle ‘moderate’.
Maybe, as Harry suggested, my dad was trying to tell me i could lose some weight. i can’t remember exactly what i thought of it at the time, all i knew is that i was already bingeing at the point and the teasing didn’t help anything. the parent in me now finds what he did to be pretty ignorant.
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13 March 2010, 10:56 pm
My parents didn’t. They were great. My mom has a debilitating disease that has deformed her body since childhood, so she’s kind about not making comments about others’ bodies. My father is a saint.
My grandmother never put me down, BUT SHE ALWAYS PUT HERSELF DOWN about her weight and her high forehead. Then others would comment how much I look like my grandmother. I’d be flattered (I thought she was pretty), but I became very self-conscious about the features she put down about herself. My cousin commented how we all inherited the Ward bubble-butt. (We did? — twist and look in the mirror — Oh, yeah, we did).
Her mother, (my great grandmother), used to call my grandmother ugly when she was a child. Makes me wonder what was said to my great grandmother when she was young. We’re talking over a hundred years ago of this junk. The irony is my grandma became a dancer and won beauty contests.
.-= Gina Fit by 41 Maybe 42´s last blog ..Kitchen Wisdom (Humor) =-.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 14th, 2010 at 8:17 am
you are so lucky that your parents never said anything, but sheesh, you sure had a history of body image issues your family, huh? it’s awful tha women do that to themselves.
because we are so aware, we need to keep the body image issues from perpetuating!
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13 March 2010, 11:07 pm
BTW — I’m very conscientious about what I say about myself around my kids after my experiences.
.-= Gina Fit by 41 Maybe 42´s last blog ..Kitchen Wisdom (Humor) =-.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 14th, 2010 at 8:17 am
me too! again, let’s try to make the buck stop here!
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13 March 2010, 11:11 pm
I feel your pain all too well. I was teased by my dad and my siblings. The siblings were/are jerks, so I have no reason to talk with them. They have their own issues. But, the reason I never say anything to my dad is because he would be devistated to know how much he hurt me! He is so different now. And, I see him so differently now. And, well, I just couldn’t do that to him.
How did you find closure?
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 14th, 2010 at 8:20 am
i’m sorry you had to go through that, gina. it’s great that your dad is so different now. sadly, my father had gotten more cantankerous as he has gotten older. i guess deep down, my letter hurt my father, because he doesn’t want to hear any criticism (now that any of us love it, but it is necessary some times!).
so no, i never did get any closure, i have to make peace with it myself i guess.
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14 March 2010, 9:28 am
I was never teased by family, only by those outside of the family, like some of the kids I went to school with. The only comment I ever received about my weight from a family member (a distant cousin) was “You have such a pretty face, if only you could lose some weight.”.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 14th, 2010 at 10:56 am
kids can be brutal. is it any wonder between our parents and mean kids at school that so many of us are disordered eaters? it’s a shame our society is like that. and yes, i had forgotten, but i heard that same comment in my teens.
glad you dropped by, mary!
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14 March 2010, 1:10 pm
WOW! Thank you for sharing!!! For me, it was more the poor self image of my mom that stuck with me. She never felt good about herself & being a family of heavier people, I think we all learned to feel the same way. She was also mentally abused by her mom so in her defense, she did pretty well considering! But, I can remember from a very early age, never feeling good about myself or never being able to be good enough. In addition, being teased in school left a really bad slef image on me.
Very interesting post! So sorry about your dad… really sucks but I guess you understand it.
.-= Jody – Fit at52´s last blog ..Truth & Lies! =-.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 14th, 2010 at 2:47 pm
my gosh, isn’t this just awful how something like this travels down through the generations?!? i’m sorry you never felt good about yourself or good enough, i can certainly relate. we can’t change our pasts though, we need to learn from it and move forward, making things better for ourselves and our children.
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14 March 2010, 5:08 pm
I couldn’t agree more – after I started gaining weight, my Dad was relentlessly joking about it – one Christmas I opened a sweater and put it up to myself and he said “it’s one size fits bus!”
I answered your question about clarifying butter:
Melt one stick of butter and let it cool. Using a slotted spoon you just take off the top layer of fat – it maybe reduces the butter to about 6 tablespoons – it’s butter, so its still fat but it helps for a nice sear!
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 14th, 2010 at 5:12 pm
omg, i bet he really hurt your feelings when he said that. that did make you want to lose the weight or did it, as it did to me, push you in the opposite direction?
thanks again for the butter info!
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15 March 2010, 7:36 am
I was asked in 3rd grade, when’s the baby due? I just wanted to smash those kids!
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 8:06 am
kids can be SO mean! sorry you had to go through that.
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Jill Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 10:58 am
Thanks, I came home crying that day.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 11:44 am
my gosh, who wouldn’t?!?!?
15 March 2010, 8:15 am
First of all I must give you props for writing that letter and getting it out, even if you were very careful how it was written not to hurt his feelings. That must have been hard to do.
And yes, my dad has been brutal through the years in making mean comments about my weight. I wouldn’t call it teasing by any means. He’ll just say mean spirited stuff. Like, “You’ve really put on weight. What are you weighing now? Like 250?”
The funny thing is the reason why I believe I have a weight problem is due to his abandonment of me as a child. But he’ll never get it. Nor will he ever admit it, sadly enough.
.-= Bobbie @Anonymous Fat Girl´s last blog ..Being plus-sized in Hollywood: Gabourey Sidibe =-.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 9:07 am
the letter was difficult – one part of me walking on eggshells to not hurt his feelings, the other part trying to let him know what his teasing did to me. it really got me nowhere other than me journaling my feelings.
i’m sorry you went through that crap with your dad. sadly, we are on the same page with a father who won’t recognize or admit what they did.
however, look at us trying our best to overcome the crap they piled on us!
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15 March 2010, 10:19 am
My dad barely noticed I was in the room, nevermind him noticing my weight! I definitely don’t say anything to my 5-year-old about weight, and neither does my husband. So sorry your dad wasn’t more receptive to you!
.-= Ameena´s last blog ..My Super Sweet 5th Birthday =-.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 11:38 am
it’s sad your dad didn’t notice you, ameena. clearly you are a much different parent to maya.
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15 March 2010, 10:29 am
I was never teased but my father was constantly making comments about other women and their bodies i.e. on TV, on the street. Growing up I think I really internalized this idea that women have to look a certain way to be attractive, worthy. My dad was also always the first to point out if I had gained weight which first started in high school. When I came home from college for Thanksgiving during Freshman year (and had already gained the Freshman 15) he actually sat me down and lectured me about how I had “let myself go” and how I needed to lose weight or else I would wind up like an aunt of mine who never married (she CHOSE not to marry, had nothing to do with her looks…sheesh) It was very painful and affected me deeply but at the time I kind of brushed it off and vowed to “start my diet” tomorrow etc. I did start dieting (signed up with WW) and began losing. Then about a year later I got obsessed with losing weight and my ED was born. I know i can’t blame him 100% for my eating issues but I know it played a big role in it. I confronted him about it several years ago and he apologized but I know he truly doesn’t see how he played a role. Our fathers sound very similar!
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 11:40 am
it’s scary how much our dad (parents) are so impactful on our looks/self-esteem. good for you for confronting him! at least your dad listened and gave an apology even though you think he doesn’t truly “get it.”
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15 March 2010, 10:44 am
I literally JUST wrote a post about how the ways that people react when family members gain weight in different cultures may be one of the reasons why, for example, the Chinese tend to be slim and Americans tend to be heavier. I didn’t paint the way that Americans react in the same way that you do in this post, though. In fact, I sort of suggested the opposite! Do you think your experience is typical?
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Is This Why The Chinese Are Thin? =-.
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Heather Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 10:44 am
Also…gosh, the stuff you had to go through with your dad just breaks my heart. I’m so sorry. No one deserves that!
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 11:43 am
thanks! it does suck, but from other comments i’ve read, other women grew up with much worse than me.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 11:42 am
so funny that you just wrote about this, heather, i will definitely check out your post! as far as my experience being typical, the comments i’ve received here and at “we are the real deal” would show that my situation is common. however, the people reading my post and WATRD are eating disordered and/or body conscious, a special niche unto itself.
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15 March 2010, 12:04 pm
I don’t really remember ever being teased by my parents about my size – and I grew from being a chubby child to a 420lbs adult!
I guess there are kids who were teased who wouldn’t go on to be overweight adults, but I would imagine that if you have the propensity to be an overweight child, that will probably lead to being an overweight adult, regardless of teasing?
Is it nature or nurture that leads us to compulsively overeat? I think it’s probably a bit of both…
.-= Patsy´s last blog ..Happy Mothers’ Day! =-.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 12:41 pm
you grew up in england, right, patsy? i wonder if social norms were different there.
regardless, you bring up a great point – nature or nurture? unfortunately, it seems to go both ways.
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15 March 2010, 2:21 pm
Oh my gosh….I can’t believe your dad did that.
It’s amazing how we remember those things said/done by family members or friends when we’re little. They can leave such lasting scars. If they only knew….
This really reminds me of my mom. She grew up hearing from HER grandma that she was too chubby, which would upset my mom, and then my grandma would “treat” her to ice cream or something to make her feel better. Mixed messages, anyone? I just know that when/if I have a daughter, I’m definitely going to give nothing but praise for her shape/weight!
.-= Holly´s last blog ..I Would Do Anything For Love =-.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 2:39 pm
yes, judged by the comments on my blog and at watrd, many women have had to deal with their parents saying dumb, mean stuff to them. it is sad and it sucks.
and yes, that is a crazy mixed message your poor mom got!
i’m trying to give my daughter (as does my husband) nothing but praise for her appearance on all levels. i want to raise her to be confident, not have self-esteem and food issues like i do.
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15 March 2010, 5:25 pm
I grew up with an overweight mother, and an overall unhealthy family. I was the “skinny” one for so long, that they would all tease me that I would be fat like them some day! Which eventually led me to crazy diets to stay skinny, and turned into an unhealthy obsession with food! Now, I’m not so skinny, and I am trying to recover from compulsive eating!
While my family may have contributed to my bad habits, I try not to blame them because they didn’t know how they were affecting me at the time. And I didn’t let them know that it hurt my feelings!
Like you, I want to just take what I’ve learned and pass on a good body image to my future children!
.-= Megan @ Healthy Hoggin’´s last blog ..I’m in love… =-.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 5:48 pm
oh my, to be teased that you would be fat like them, yikes! posting this has been a real learning experiece for me. i had no idea that there were so many childhood issues that grew into eating disorders. it’s just crazy.
and i hear ya, my parents and brother don’t know i have an eating disorder. it is the past, and yes, it has impacted me in a terrible way that i have to deal with every frickin day, but i don’t want them to feel bad. they can’t change what they did. i’m an adult now and have awareness and need to make my own good choices. and again, i pray i don’t pass food issues down to my own kids.
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15 March 2010, 6:29 pm
True story:
At thirteen years old, I was offered $125 to get to 125 lbs., the same deal given to my naturally thin sister. The difference was I had to lose 40 lbs and she had to lose 4.
Same year, my father asked me (with what I perceived was complete seriousness), “Do you want to be fat and ugly all your life?” One year later, my mother told me my father wanted me to attend fat camp. He never said a thing–just made her do the dirty work.
So yes–fathers who consider the outside “beauty” of their daughters is more important than their inner beauty are doing their daughters a terrible disservice. And if they love their daughters, they will condemn themselves to a life of despair watching their little girl struggle for the rest of her life.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 7:14 pm
ack, sorry you had to go through that.
i’d like to think that for all the ding-dong dads (and moms) out there who turned their daughters (and sons) into eating disordered people, there were some parents out there who handled their children well when it came to food and body image. i guess those are the kids who turned out to be the ‘normal’ eaters of this world. but for those of us who were teased and ridiculed, or just saw eating disordered parents and learned from action and not words, it totally sucks.
however, we are aware of what happened and now that we are adults we have the power to try to make things better for ourselves and our children.
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15 March 2010, 8:09 pm
You have no idea how much I relate to this post. I wasn’t overweight as a child, but my parents were chronic dieters. My mom ate very little and weighed just over 100 lbs. My dad called me jelly belly….again…I wasn’t overweight until I was an adult. It was a very restrictive difficult environment to grow up in. When I confronted my parents about the impact that their behavior caused they were rude, angry, and dismissed the whole thing.
Oh….how I relate….
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..I’m so EXHAUSTED!!!! =-.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 15th, 2010 at 8:22 pm
i really applaud you, lisa, for confronting them! although i’m sorry about their reaction. you’re right, just like my dad’s reaction.
i’m not sure what my mom’s reaction would be. she has no idea what she has done to me (through hiding food from me, etc) and i feel like she can’t change it now, so why bother. i think this is something i should talk to my therapist about, so thanks for making me think more about it!
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17 March 2010, 1:44 am
Lara’s comment brought a memory back. Although my dad never said anything to me, he had Playboy magazines. My grandfather did, too,plus posters in his garage. I remember being in 3rd grade and telling my friends I want to be a Playboy bunny when I grow up. I thought that must be a really good thing because they are in my daddy’s magazines (and my daddy’s is a great guy).
.-= Gina Fit by 41 Maybe 42´s last blog ..Here a Doc, There a Doc, Everywhere a Doc Doc =-.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
March 17th, 2010 at 8:53 am
very interesting, gina. at a young age you were already seeing what the “desired” female was “supposed” to look like. clearly the thoughts of how you were “supposed” to look stayed in your mind for a while.
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30 May 2010, 9:07 pm
Well I could write a book on this and I appreciate your article so much. I could definitely relate. My dad is obsessed with everyone’s looks and their weight. He makes comments about every person he meets or sees. He’s done this my entire life.
He started “worrying” about my weight when I was 9, and had me on diets (still remember if I weighed 72 by June I could go to Girl Scout camp). He took away a large chunk of my childhood, as I became obsessed at such a young age and always worried about how I looked, when other kids were out playing I was inside charting calorie diet plans at age 10.
But he also teased me about my white skin and my big feet, and at age 16 he “surprised” me with the news that I could get a nose job for my birthday (which I did, as I had never realized my nose was big til he told me and then I obsessed til I could get it fixed).
I just figured that if my own dad thought I was so flawed, no man would ever want me. I was anorexic by 14, and then by 18 I was bulimic and that went on until I was 36.
I think when you are a young child and have not formed any “self” yet…have not formed an opinion of yourself yet…you take critisicm and “teasing” much harder than if you are brought up to have a healthy self esteem and are later teased.
My father still does it. It bugs him so much that my lips are thin. I swear I think he looses sleep over my thin lips! Unfortunately it still devastates me, even at age 45. I will just never, ever have his approval and I hope the day comes when I can say who the hell wants his approval anyway! But I can’t at this point.
I’ve had 10 plastic surgeries…and my mom can’t figure out why I critisize my appearance. How blind???
Well, thank you for your article, it certainly helped and helped me a lot to read through the letters. It is nice to know I am not alone. What hurts more than the personal insults, to me, is knowing my father wants to hurt me so bad. He is a smart man. He knows his words sting.
When I had my first child my dad came to visit and at 1:00 in the afternoon I had not had a chance to “make myself up” due to a newborn baby. I was feeding my baby and my dad told me I must be letting myself go now that I had a baby. I burst into tears (I secretly hoped he’d find the scene of his daughter and her baby to be a lovely picture…but he didn’t). Even though my tears he told me “ah, learn to take a joke.”
Sigh…
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love2eatinpa Reply:
May 30th, 2010 at 10:06 pm
oh brooke, you poor thing! i thought i had it bad, but forgive me, but i think your dad may be worse. i wonder if his commenting on you and everyone else is due to his own insecurities?
my father is never wrong and never in a million years would think anyone could be hurt by his words. never has, never will. he thinks his sh#t doesn’t stink. i have no idea why my mom has stayed with him all these years. she says now that she would leave if she could, but they are broke and my mom is not one to make change.
still, i would like to think that neither your dad or mine were trying to hurt us, it was their very backwards, screwed up way of showing love.
and wow, your mom didn’t/doesn’t see this in him?
you are SO much better than all the negative things he said about you!!! never forget that! i hope that you have gotten yourself some therapy to learn how to deal better with him.
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Brooke Reply:
May 31st, 2010 at 12:08 am
Thank you so much for replying. Your dad sounds so much like mine it is uncanny. I could not believe it when I was reading your story. My dad also thinks his Sh*t don’t stink, and that nothing he says is ever hurtful or wrong.
. I have gone out of my way to limit my own kids time with him over the years, and it has hurt everybody but I know inside it was the right thing to do and will someday tell my kids. I still just can’t bear to say bad things about their grandpa to them! They are now 23 and 20…so I should be able to explain this!
I think my mom realizes now, the damage he did, but she never thought of it back then because she saw it as joking. But to me I took it as truth, and it still hurts that she would allow him to even joke. The thought of my kids being hurt breaks my heart so I wonder why it didn’t break hers? But, she still can’t wrap her mind around how those things he said (and still says) affects me so. She doesn’t see how I haven’t grown out of that.
I really had been doing so well for so long, but then the effects of aging started to hit and I started over again feeling so insecure. That’s when, for the first time I really started to get angry with my dad. Seriously angry, and not just hurt. I have thought about writing a letter like you did, but I think it would be the same reaction and would not get me anywhere. So, instead I just limit time with him.
Even if I forgive him for the things he’s said, it won’t change my insecurites and I dread getting old and being miserable due to my looks. It sounds so shallow but I hate feeling this way. If I could wake up and not care that would be the best gift!
Well, thank you so much for replying and for this site. What a great place.
i love how you mention that book by Valerie Frankel, as I read that last year and I loved it. I bought a copy for a friend and she devoured it too. It was therapeutic!
Oh, Jill, I see a reply from you under my box here. Thank you too. Gosh I didn’t think I would get replies. I was just hoping my story might help and resonate with others. I want to thank you guys for helping ME!
xoxo
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love2eatinpa Reply:
May 31st, 2010 at 10:35 am
brooke, i tried to email you privately but it bounced back as being undeliverable. feel free to email privately if you wish.
as awful as this sounds, i’m fortunate that my parents live 1000 miles away. i wish my mom wasn’t that far, but my dad, it’s fine. he only sees my kids (10-1/2 & 8 yrs old right now) once a year. he has already said things in front of them. not insulting them per se, just saying inappropriate things that he has no clue are inappopriate, and he doesn’t want to hear it if you tell him. and yes, same here, i don’t want to tell them about his true self. i’ve told my daughter about my ED and that it started in my childhood, but didn’t give any specifics and thank goodness she hasn’t asked because i don’t want her to feel differently about him.
i don’t know that my mom realized that what my dad was doing was hurting me either, she thought he was teasing too. she knows he’s impossible though. she doesn’t know that together, each with their own things they said/did, caused me to be eating disordered at a young age. they have no idea i have an ED. i guess i don’t want to make them feel bad. when i write a book about it, i guess they will find out. =)
it’s funny that i too didn’t get angry with my dad until the last year or two, after i realized i had an ED and not just a sweet tooth. through therapy i realized that sometimes i was bingeing because of my childhood. when i wrapped my brain around that, it was a big step in my recovery.
i’m quite insecure too and have been trying hard to love myself again. it’s not easy, but i’m a work in progress. make a list of all the great things about yourself. have your husband make a list of all the reasons he loves you. it will be great to see that all on paper. so no, you are not being shallow, i think you have been programmed to be overly concerned about your looks. it would be amazing if you weren’t that way! but you can overcome that!
30 May 2010, 9:28 pm
Hi Brooke,
Wow that’s terrible! I’m so sorry that you had to (and still have to it seems) go through that! I’m sure you are beautiful!
*hugs*
Jill
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31 May 2010, 12:18 am
Oh, you know, Lovetoeatinpa, my mom adores my dad, and she truly does. ??? As you said, I know he loves me. He really does. It really is just a messed up thing he’s got going. But I don’t understand why she can not let it bother her?
They go to vist my brother and all I hear about is my 11 year old niece might have a weight problem. So I had a talk with my mom, on how she has to make it clear he never ever makes a comment at all negative, and in fact why does she never say anything positive? My mom never compliments (she never critisizes either, but…). But my mom didn’t think anything of it and she says “oh he won’t say anything.”
This is what I mean. How she still is and gets annoyed when I have surgery and part of me thinks she feels guilty so takes it out as anger at the way I feel about myself? I say that only from reading books on this type of thing and coming to this conclustion.
She doesn’t want to hear about surgery. She gets so mad and says I need to get “over myself” but I think she is maybe mad at herself.
Thanks again. sorry to go on. I’ve never really told anyone any of this other than my sister in law.
Brooke
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love2eatinpa Reply:
May 31st, 2010 at 10:43 am
i’m sorry that your mom doesn’t see what your dad has done/still does to you. maybe she is in denial. if she admits to realizing what he has did/still does, it would mean she enabled him and didn’t stop him and she doesn’t want to own that. so yes, i think your assessment is right, she is directing her anger at herself towards you and that really sucks.
please do not apoligize for venting/talking. we need to do that in order to recover. bottling it up is not healthy. i suggest seeing a therapist or a support group, one that specializes in eating disorders.
i’m here for you any time. again, feel free to email privately.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
June 9th, 2010 at 12:05 pm
hi brooke,
i’m still unable to reach you using your email address.
i was just checking in to see how you are doing.
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31 May 2010, 8:22 pm
This may be slightly off topic, but in regards to taking anger out on the wrong people…my stepmom did that for years to me when she was actually angry at my mom.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
May 31st, 2010 at 9:14 pm
that’s a shame for you and unfortunately, i’m sure it’s way too common. =(
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Jill Reply:
May 31st, 2010 at 9:25 pm
Thanks, I’m sure it is too.
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31 May 2010, 8:35 pm
You’re quite welcome Brooke!
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02 June 2010, 12:31 pm
Great blog! I grew up with an overweight Mom who never commented and never tried to correct my emotional eating and over indulgent eating. But life graced me with a father and a stepfather who were there to remind me of my fatness. Whether it was commenting on my fat legs or putting me on a scale when I would go visit my father, it affected me so much. I wish parents could just understand the effects they have over their children. My therapist says that in order to get over the hurt I need to forgive. I do not find this easy, at all. But I know it is something to work on. This is for me. And this is my life. I want to be better with my thoughts. Our positive thoughts are the gifts that we can give ourself. What I find fascinating is how much more together I am with my thoughts when I am eating healthier.
I will say the awareness of my teen self size did cause me to improve physically through out my adult life. But the thoughts of who I am are false. Those men were insensitive in their delivery, but the truth is never a bad thing. I guess this is where forgiveness begins. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. The choice to live better and think more positive is mine now.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
June 2nd, 2010 at 12:48 pm
i’m glad you stopped by, jenn.
i’m sorry that you grew up like that. i don’t think people really knew about eating disorders back then and there also wasn’t the info out there for parents on how to help their children with self-esteem, etc. i think, as you said, that our parents really did have the best of intentions, but their delivery sucked. i really found that once i wrapped my brain around the fact that my lifetime of binges were due to crap that my parents said/did to me 30+ years ago, that i really did have to put my childhood in it’s rightful spot – the past, and move forward.
but yes, it is our choice to keep living as a child with no power, or to live as an adult who is aware and can make better choices. we can also learn how to do things differerntly with our own kids.
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28 October 2011, 9:35 pm
As a growing teenager i have been reticuled all my life of my weight by my parents. I weigh about 147 pounds and am 17 years old, im not big, nor am I tiny. I play many sport and I have more muscle then fat. But growing up creates your hips to widen and many more things to grow. My parents took my weight gain as a great way to tease me. When they argue with my, they bring up my body and how I shouldn’t be that fat . They are inconsiderate to the fact that I have feelings and my own parents laughing at my weight created me to be depressed .
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love2eatinpa Reply:
October 29th, 2011 at 9:14 am
that’s terrible of them. i’m sure in their minds, they think they are only teasing, they are not doing it with malicious intent. as hard as it may be, you should try to sit down with one or both of them, whoever is easiest for you to talk to, and tell them that your feelings are hurt by what they do. as my kids learned in school, give them an “i-message”, meaning, say – “i feel badly when you xyz. it makes me feel terrible when you say xyz. i would really appreciate if you (and mom/dad) would stop saying that to me.”
best of luck to you! no one should have to grow up being teased, especially by the people who are supposed to love you the most.
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Jennifer Reply:
October 29th, 2011 at 9:42 am
Hello msTeen
– already some of the most challenging years…
Just wanted to say that parents are not taught to be parents and some are just downright stupid. It’s the truth. Then, sometimes mistakes ate made. PLEASE do not take their actions too too personally. I know as a teen this is hard as that where you are right now. But how they see you is not even who you are. You are so much more. You will see
If you feel health and move well, then appreciate the beauty and health you have. If there are areas to improve on (for me recently I decided to eat less-no sugar most days) then do that, for you. The greatest thing I recently did for myself was to attend hot yoga (moksha) and it is not judgmental and ever so healing. You will find something I believe that helps you to grow and feel true strength. These things are never found outside of ourselves. Do your best to find positive things to see in yourself. Believe in you! And there is no place for perfectionism in anyone’s life. I strongly believe yoga has changed my entire way of thinking. There would have been a time when I would have felt your story so strongly and would have been thinking about all I would want is for you to feel happy and to take your pain away (mine too). But there is a freedom in letting go of what others think and say… You will feel what is right for you when you sit or lay peacefully and just let all those junky thoughts float away as you exhale. Peace to you. You are so worth it, more than maybe you now know. Practice knowing
. That is all we can do.
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love2eatinpa Reply:
October 29th, 2011 at 9:53 am
thanks, jennifer, for the great advice and words of encouragement for msTeen. i agree with you on so many counts. i still do think it would be great if msTeen can speak with her parent(s) to let them know that her feelings are being hurt. true, parents are not taught to be parents, but you can sometimes still teach an old dog new tricks. : ). if i knew i was hurting my child’s feelings, i would certainly want to know so i could stop my behavior.
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Jennifer Reply:
October 29th, 2011 at 10:11 am
You are right
. Talking is best. Sometimes results wished do not come as one might hope though and so the strength to be a whole human must begin from within. It is always optimum to have the protection, love and support of one’s family. Family is not necessarily blood relatives either. I did not know that when I was younger of course.
love2eatinpa Reply:
October 29th, 2011 at 7:54 pm
you are right, we all need to look within ourselves for strength and not rely on others to define us or make us strong. it’s an individual journey, but one that could potentially be made easier if her parents would stop their negative behavior.