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Hi and Welcome!

I am a 42-yr old recovering compulsive overeater. I have been binge-free for 2-1/2 years. This blog is about my recovery from this eating disorder and what I do to maintain my weight loss. It is great therapy for me to write this and I hope it can be helpful for you as well.

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Great Jewelry

Thanks Rita!

Thanks Brandi!

Thanks FMDOC!

Thanks Karen!

Thanks “Online Counseling Degrees!”

Book Giveaway Winners + Update

Congrats to Amanda at Food Exercise Express, Holly at The Balance Broadand Debbie H. for each winning a copy of Marya Hornbacher’s “Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia”!

Please email me your addresses so I can get those books out to you.

Other notes… I’m feeling totally discombobulated. My parents came up from Florida to visit/stay with us on Saturday. They left yesterday afternoon. We hosted 20+ people at our house for brunch on Father’s Day. My kids are done school and camp doesn’t start until Monday, so they are home and require entertainment. With all that going on and no routine or schedule, I am completely out of sorts. I haven’t had time to post or read posts/comment and I hate when that happens.

But to give you a quick update…. the triathlon training is going well. My biggest challenge, as I knew going in, is the swim portion. I have 7-1/2 weeks to be able to swim the 1/4 mile distance w/out stopping. When I first started training a little over five weeks ago, after one lap I had to heave for air. Now I can do four laps before needing an oxygen tank. I need to work my way up to 16 laps without a break, though I will shoot for more than that because I want to feel as comfortable as possible in the water in case there are any mishaps like people kicking me or whacking me in the head. I don’t want to lose my composure in the water and flounder around.

I’m still struggling with the eating more for training, as opposed to following the IE path and eating because I’m hungry. As I said before, I feel like I’m walking a dangerous line here. I don’t want to slip back to the “dark” side. It is scary for a recovering compulsive overeater to have some carte blanche with eating without taking advantage of the situation and falling back into my old ways. I’m definitely eating more, hopefully with the right thought process. Tomorrow I’m due to get on the scale for my now twice-a-month weigh in, so I should have a better idea of how the additional eating is affecting my weight.

Throw into the mix that I saw my doctor yesterday and for the next few weeks, we are experimenting with some medications I’m on. It will be interesting to see if my appetite, training and just things in general are affected by the experiement. Should be fun!

I feel like after starting off on a high note, that this turned into a downer post, sorry ’bout that.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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Guest Post by Author Marya Hornbacher + Giveaway!

love2eatinpa, 17 June 2010, 20 comments
Categories: Giveaways, Helpful Books, recovery
Tags: , , ,

This is a cross post on WATRD.

I was lucky enough to get the amazing author of “Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia”, which I wrote about HERE and HERE to write a guest blog for me. Marya has recovered after over 15 years of battling both anorexia and bullimia.

She also published “The Center of Winter,” and her newest book, “Madness: A Bipolar Lifes” which I look forwarding to reading ASAP.

I hope you find this post about recovery to be as inspirational as I did.

I don’t remember when I stopped noticing—stopped noticing every mirror, every window, every scale, every fast-food restaurant, every diet ad, every horrifying model. And I don’t remember when I stopped counting, or when I stopped caring what size my pants were, or when I started ordering what I wanted to eat and not what seemed “safe,” or when I could sit comfortably reading a book in my kitchen without noticing I was in my kitchen until I got hungry—or when I started just eating when I got hungry, instead of questioning it, obsessing about it, dithering and freaking out, as I’d done for nearly my whole life.

I don’t remember exactly when recovery took hold, and went from being something I both fought and wanted, to being simply a way of life. A way of life that is, let me tell you, infinitely more peaceful, infinitely happier, and infinitely more free than life with an eating disorder. And I wouldn’t give up this life of freedom for the world.

What I know is this: I chose recovery. It was a conscious decision, and not an easy one. That’s the common denominator among people I know who have recovered: they chose recovery, and they worked like hell for it, and they didn’t give up. Recovery isn’t easy, at first. It takes time. It takes more work, sometimes, than you think you’re willing to do. But it is worth every hard day, every tear, every terrified moment. It’s worth it, because the trade-off is this: you let go of your eating disorder, and you get back your life.

There are a couple of things I had to keep in mind in early recovery. One was that I was going to recover, even though I didn’t feel “ready.” I realized I was never going to feel ready—I was just going to jump in and do it, ready or not, and I am deeply glad that I did. Another was that symptoms were not an option. Symptoms, as critically necessary and automatic as they feel, are ultimately a choice. You can choose to let the fallacy that you must use symptoms kill you, or you can choose not to use symptoms. Easier said than done? Of course. But it can be done.

I had to keep at the forefront of my mind the reasons I wanted to recover so badly, and the biggest one was this: I couldn’t believe in what I was doing anymore. I couldn’t justify committing my life to self-destruction, to appearance, to size, to weight, to food, to obsession, to self-harm. And that was what I had been doing for so long—dedicating all my strength, passion, energy, and intelligence to the pursuit of a warped and vanishing ideal. I just couldn’t believe in it anymore. As scared as I was to recover, to recover fully, to let go of every last symptom, to rid myself of the familiar and comforting compulsions, I wanted to know who I was without the demon of my eating disorder inhabiting my body and mind.

And it turned out that I was all right. It turned out it was all right with me to be human, to have hungers, to have needs, to take space. It turned out that I had a self, a voice, a whole range of values and beliefs and passions and goals beyond what I had allowed myself to see when I was sick. There was a person in there, under the thick ice of the illness, a person I found I could respect.

Recovery takes time, patience, enormous effort, and strength. We all have those things. It’s a matter of choosing to use them to save our own lives—to survive—but beyond that, to thrive. If you are still teetering on the brink of illness, I invite you to step firmly onto the solid ground of health. Walk back toward the world. Gather strength as you go. Listen to your own inner voice, not the voice of the eating disorder—as you recover, your voice will get clearer and louder, and eventually the voice of the eating disorder will recede. Give it time. Don’t give up. Love yourself absolutely. Take back your life.

The value of freedom cannot be overestimated. It’s there for the taking. Find your way toward it, and set yourself free.

Marya has been kind enough to giveaway three of her “Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia” books! 

To enter, please leave a comment, letting me know why you would like to read the book. I will draw three random commenters on 6/23 and announce the winner on 6/24.

Please feel free to share your recovery story as well!

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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Intuitive Eating and Triathlon Training

This past Saturday marked 11 weeks of intuitive eating and I’m pretty happy about that.

However, there is a bit of a wrench thrown in there with the triathlon training… as often happens when you workout a lot/differently, you sometimes lose your appetite.

Now if I was following the rules of IE, I would only eat when I’m hungry. But because I know that my body needs refueling from all the effort it is putting out, I really need to make sure I’m eating enough calories so I have the energy for the training.

So as a recovering compulsive overeater, I’m walking a fine line here. Because I know that I need to do it for my body, I’ve often been eating even when I’m not hungry. That is dangerous territory, but I know training-wise, it is the right thing to do.

A friend saw me at the gym last week and thought I looked like I had lost weight. I appreciated her honesty and took it the way it was intended, with caring. I had some major trouble sleeping last week, so that combined with her comment led me to get on the scale Friday morning (instead of waiting for this week’s weigh-in for the month) out of medical concern. I have dropped another pound. That makes 3-4 pounds down since starting the IE. While that is a wonderful, hopeful thing for all of us to know, (as I feared I would gain weight by not counting calories and weighing/measuring food) to be honest, it would not be healthy for me to lose more weight.

Aside from the freaky two nights of not sleeping, I feel OK and my training is going well. So I’m really in dangerous territory here — I know that I can afford to gain a few pounds, and due to training, I’m eating more because I know I should, not because I’m hungry, yet I’m still trying to be an intuitive eater. Quite mixed bag, huh? *sigh*

I’m wiggling the “rules” a bit to stay strong for my workouts, but I SOO don’t want this to head in the other direction. It’s hard to tell a recovering compulsive overeater, who has been binge-free for over two years, that they really can/should eat more. I’ve worked so hard at my recovery, got to a really great place, but I’m not an idiot, like an alcoholic or drug addict, it wouldn’t be hard to slip back into the old habits I had for 30+ years.

I need to keep my head in the right place. I can do this. I’M WORTH IT and it is definitely not worth going back to bingeing/compulsive overeating.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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Paying Forward the “Beautiful Blogger” Award

love2eatinpa, 10 June 2010, 20 comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

I’m very flattered to have received an award from Brandi at Lavidasubida.

The rules of the award are that I have to tell you 7 things that you don’t know about me yet…

1. For two seasons, when I was about 9 and 10 years old, I was the only girl in the boys little league baseball league.
2. I went sky diving (a tandem jump) in 1998. My husband and his friend did it as well. That was before we had children. Words cannot describe how amazing it was.
3. My very first job, after I got working papers at age 16, was at a local Burger King. (Those brown and orange polyester uniforms were the worst!) I have vivid memories of standing over the french fry bin and stuffing my face with fries. I also vividly remember melting bacon and cheese in the microwave and eating it, over and over again.
4. When I was about 14, I was a mother’s helper in Atlantic City. The boy I watched was 2-1/2 years old and had cerebral palsy. Long story short – I once had to give him the Heimlich maneuver to keep him from choking on a peanut butter sandwich. Thank goodness it worked! It made me so ill though, the family had to cut their weekend short to bring me home.
5. I got certified for scuba diving, along with my husband, before our honeymoon in 1997, so we could dive the coral reefs of Australia.
6. I am one of those weirdos who is always cold.
7. I am an embarrassment to the female race – I do not like shopping, I know next to nothing about make-up, designer labels or shoes, and I’m not into fancy jewelry.

The 2nd rule is that I have to pass the award on to seven other Beautiful Bloggers. Yikes! This is hard, there are so many I like! So in no particular order, here are some, ok, ten, that I didn’t get to mention when I was lucky enough to win one of these awards a month or two ago…

1. The Balance Broad
2. Waisting Time
3. Anonymous Fat Girl
4. Eating Journey
5. The Giggly Bits
6. Living Healthy in the Real World
7. A Weight Lifted
8. Poise in Parma
9. Tippy Toe Diet
10.Half of Jess

I hope you’ll check these out! They are all great blogs about things like losing weight, eating disorders, intuitive eating, healthy living and fitness, mixed in with life.

A shout out to Michelle at Eating Journey for her awesome Happy Giveaway.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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Balancing it All

love2eatinpa, 07 June 2010, 32 comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

I think via my ‘blog break’ that I have finally found my happy medium of balancing my life with my blogging.

Since October, I have had a lot of things that I’ve been trying to keep juggling in the air – working two part-time jobs from home, being present for my husband and kids, focusing on my ED recovery, as well as blogging about said recovery.

I realized that I need to be able to help my kids with homework, go have a catch with my son, enjoy time with my husband, or heaven forbid take a minute to myself, without feeling totally stressed that I wasn’t posting or reading people’s awesome blogs. While I’m sure many of you can do all that and more, for me, it was very stressful.

I still really want to be part of the ED/weight loss/fitness/health blog community, but I have learned in the last month that the blogging has to be part time instead of the full-time endeavor that it had become very quickly.

I am incredibly grateful for this wonderful community. I doubt I would be where I am today (29 months binge-free!) without all of the thoughtful/insightful posts that I’ve read on your blogs, and comments I’ve received from you on mine. You have all touched, educated and inspired me and I hope that continues, even if on a part-time basis.

So with all that being said, I will probably continue to do what I’ve been doing for the past few weeks — which is to post once or twice a week, as well as read blogs once or twice a week.

I realize I’ve lost a lot of readers by doing this, so to those of you who are sticking with me, thanks so much! I definitely appreciate your support as I continue on my recovery journey and now am training for the triathlon in August. I hope I can still be there for you as well, even if it’s only part time.

On an entirely different note, because of all the spam that I have been getting recently, I decided to install one of those “CAPTCHA” code things that you will need to use for my comments. I know it can be a pain in the rear deciphering those letters/numbers, but I’m trying to cut down on the junk comments from people who aren’t even reading the blog (penis enlargement, anyone?)

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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Free Emotional Eating Teleconference

I found out recently about an emotional eating teleconference, happening on Thursday, June 10. Here is the link – Free Emotional Eating Teleconference.

It says “Do you feel out of control with food? Do you find yourself spending a lot of time worry about what you ate, what you’re eating, and what you plan to eat? Ever feel like you start a meal or a snack and suddenly it’s gone, and you don’t really remember eating it?

Here’s what you’ll learn:

 
Even though I don’t really emotionally eat very much at all, I’m still going to check it out because I feel like there will still be some great info for me.

Other stuff…  tomorrow will mark 10 weeks of intuitive eating.  Thank goodness it is still going well.

My triathalon training is coming along.  The swim portion is tough, but I’m doing my best.

Have a great weekend everyone!

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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The Silver Maple Earrings Winner!

love2eatinpa, 01 June 2010, 3 comments
Categories: Giveaways, Uncategorized

The the winner of The Silver Maple earrings giveaway, chosen by random.org, is Amanda of Food Exercise Express.

Congrats Amanda! Please send me an email with your address and let me know if you want them plain, as I had them pictured, or if you want them hand-stamped with one word per shape.

For those of you who didn’t win, you can still get the jewelry you loved from The Silver Maple at a 15% discount through Friday, June 4 to get the piece that you want! Once again, just enter “confessions” as your coupon code.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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Stepping out of My Comfort Zone

This is a cross post that will also be on WATRD.

Good or bad, I’m not someone that frequently steps out of my comfort zone. I am someone who lives a pretty structured life. I have my routines of workouts, eating, what my days are like, etc., and that gives me comfort. I have read some great posts about challenging yourselves and I always read them and think it’s a great concept, but rarely put it into play in my own life.

A quick bit of background… for about 11 years I was a runner. That was pretty much all I did 3-4 days a week. Then about 2-1/2 years ago, I went to get a slight knee issue checked out after running a 1/2 marathon and found out through testing that I had a torn meniscus in my knee. There was nothing to be done about it and it certainly wasn’t debilitating, it was just there and certainly wasn’t going to get better as time went on. I also was told that I couldn’t run as much anymore, which led me to join a gym.

This turned out to be a blessing in disguise. While I still continued to run on the treadmill once a week, I also discovered the elliptical machine, the precor and strength training. I have reaped the wonderful results of using all that equipment.

So getting back to the idea of challenging myself…

The other day I got an email from an organization which is near and dear to my heart that a fellow eating disordered friend turned me on to. A Chance to Heal. Their mission: “A CHANCE TO HEAL prevents the incidence and reduces the impact of eating disorders, and promotes the importance of positive body image by educating and influencing parents, young people, educators and healthcare professionals.”

The email said – “Join us as A Chance to Heal celebrates the power and joy of our bodies while embracing the importance of body image, productivity and energy. We will be fielding a team of triathletes at the following four events this summer in the Delaware Valley…” Here’s the logo:

It hit me. This is a sign. It’s time for me to step out of my comfort zone and challenge myself to do something I’ve never done before. While I have ran a marathon, a couple of halves and 10 milers, and numerous other short races, I’ve never done a triathlon. I always knew I could run and bike, but I’m not a strong swimmer so I felt a tri was never really in the cards for me.

This email came at a time that my mind was open to such an idea. So I have decided to train for and compete in my very first triathalon in mid-August. Once I wrapped my brain around the idea, I realized that I loved the idea of shaking up my regular workout routine, using new muscles and having a challenging and exciting goal on my calendar. I haven’t had one of those for over 2-1/2 years ago when I ran my last 1/2 marathon.

So I’m excited. I forgot how exhilarating (and scary!) it feels to have a date on the calendar of something to shoot for, something that was just for me. I can make a weekend of it with my family. My kids saw me do a 10-mile race and the last 1/2 marathon but they are older now and can hopefully appreciate all the more what I am doing. I especially want my 10-1/2 year old daughter to see the women of all shapes and sizes doing great things with their bodies. I want my kids to see their mom set a goal, challenge herself and follow through as they are cheering me on.

What they ask of competitors is to raise $200 in sponsorships. All proceeds go directly to supporting eating disorder education and prevention programming. I will have to ask people to sponsor me, which I’m not entirely comfortable with, but I need to remember the money is going to a worthy cause. I certainly wish I was exposed to an organization like this when I was growing up.

)If by any chance you would like to make a donation to sponsor me, please go to make a donation. Put in any amount and then let me know (privately if you wish) so I can let them know to attribute it to the money I’m raising.)

Or here’s another idea, if you live in the Delaware Valley, please come join me!

Reminder – if you haven’t already done so, please check out my earrings giveaway. It ends on 5/31.

Have you stepped out of your comfort zone lately? What are you doing to challenge yourself?

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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Earrings Giveaway!

love2eatinpa, 25 May 2010, 35 comments
Categories: Giveaways
Tags: ,

Just wanted to share with you about an awesome necklace I got for Mother’s Day. It captures what I think are the three main things that make up me – wife, mom and runner. I love it so much that I decided to buy a pair of matching earrings to go with it.

In fact, Jacque of The Silver Maple has been kind enough to allow me to offer as a giveaway those very earrings! The winner can choose to leave them plain as pictured, or can choose to have them hand-stamped with the words of their choice (one word per shape, so two words per earring).

Jacque is super nice, easy to work with and as you can see, makes creative, unique jewelry.

In addition, if you go to The Silver Maple within 10 days of the date this post was published (5/25-6/4) and enter the coupon code “confessions”, you will receive 15% off your order!

There are two ways to enter to win the earrings, each counts as an entry:
1) leave a comment on my blog
2) go to The Silver Maple, take a look around and then come back here and leave a comment to tell me what your fav is.

The last day to enter is May 31. A random commenter will be chosen on June 1.

Please feel free to leave a comment on The Silver Maple blog and to become a Facebook fan over there.

And oh, she has more than just jewelry, she has really cute flatware too!

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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Paying Forward Some “Oh My Blog” Love

love2eatinpa, 18 May 2010, 27 comments
Categories: Day to Day Stuff
Tags: , ,

Rita over at The Giggly Bits was kind enough to pass this love along to me close to two weeks ago and now I get to do the same! SO sorry Rita that it has taken so long for me to do this! I am honored that you chose me, and I’m sorry the day you gave this on to me was the same day I posted about taking a break. I do not want to wait any longer to pay it forward.

There it is all shiny and fabulous. So a big thanks to Rita and this is what I had to do to as the recipient of this honor:

1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award EVER! Done!

2. Choose ONE of the following options of accepting the OMB award:
(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, or for as long as you can focus. If I drank enough to get drunk, I would fall asleep!
(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment. I just wrote about the time I pulled a pizza crust out of the trash can and ate it here.
(c) Write a “Soundtrack of your childhood” post. This would take way too many brain cells for me to do and I barely make it through the day as it is.
(d) Make your next blog a ‘vlog’/video blog. Basically, you’re talking to the camera about whatever. I’ve never done a vlog before and sadly, wouldn’t know the first thing to do.
(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning, before you do anything else (hair, makeup, etc) and post it. Well, here ya go!!

wake up sleepyhead!

I know, I know, I’m going to need to change my phone number so I don’t get bogged down by all the modeling agencies who are surely going to be calling me now!

3. Pass this award onto at least 3, but preferably more, awesome bloggers as yourself. Don’t forget to tell them.

Number three is the hardest part. There are so many really great blogs out there, it is really hard to narrow it down as to whom to pass this award on to. Though you all have inspired me and aided in my recovery, I’ve decided to chose some of you who are ahead of me and help me to keep moving forward.

1. Diane Fit to the Finish Diane lost 150 lbs over 12 years ago and has maintained her weight, despite being the mother of seven, yes SEVEN, kids! (I can barey manage two kids!) Diane is an inspiration in how to balance life, while staying fit and healthy.
2. Truth2BeingFit Though Jody doesn’t have an eating disorder, she is my idol as far as being 10 years older than me and looking as amazing as she does. Her blog gives great workout/fitness/health advice.
3. Big Girl Bombshell. Jules’ blog is full of very wise and thought provoking advice about life, eating and body image.
4. Honor My Health. Christie has great info about recovering from disordered eating, eating and living healthy, as well as interesting recipes.
5. Weightless. Margarita offers a wealth of information from a psychological standpoint regarding not just eating disorders, but other mental issues. Her sight is a great resource.
6. Healthy Girl. I only just started lurking on here, but am really enjoying this site and feel like I can learn a lot here.

If you have a moment and don’t read these already, please check them out. There are so many other blogs that I truly enjoy, I couldn’t possibly list them all but many of them are in my blogroll.

On another note, I got on the scale for the first time in a month. My jeans had been feeling less loose and I assumed that from that long mother’s day weekend of eating more than usual, along with the week of drinking regular soda instead of diet, that I had put on a few pounds, which would have been ok. Well, somehow I lost 1-1/2 pounds! And that was after a 1 pound loss last month.

Now while I’m not trying to lose weight, it just goes to show that the Intuitive Eating is actually working!!! Lord knows what part of my body the loss has come from, but there it was on the scale. So while I don’t want to lose any more weight, it now means after two months of not weighing/measuring my portions and counting calories that I am progressing and succeeding. This gives me hope, confidence and trust that I really can continue to just listen to my body and it will do me right.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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