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Hi and Welcome!

I am a 42-yr old recovering compulsive overeater. I have been binge-free for 2-1/2 years. This blog is about my recovery from this eating disorder and what I do to maintain my weight loss. It is great therapy for me to write this and I hope it can be helpful for you as well.

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Thanks Rita!

Thanks Brandi!

Thanks FMDOC!

Thanks Karen!

Thanks “Online Counseling Degrees!”

‘My Real Story, Part 2’ as Posted on “Healthy Girl”


Here is part 2 of my post yesterday on
Healthy Girl. You can click on the link or read it below…

Focusing on Intuitive Eating

I can’t remember exactly how I heard about Intuitive Eating. More than likely it was through the blogosphere.

I read Evelyn Tribole’s book, Intuitive Eating, A Revolutionary Program The Works, and I also really got a lot out of Goodbye Ed, Hello Me by Jenni Schaeffer.

It’s amazing to me how reading certain books at certain times can be so impactful on our lives. I don’t think the books would have affected me as much if I had read them before I realized I had an eating disorder. I think everything happens, or people/things come into our lives, for a reason, and those books came to me at a time when my mind was open to accept what they were saying.

I had been toying with the idea of making the transition from daily calorie counting, weighing/measuring food portions, to intuitive eating for about a week or two in mid March. Due to a combination of therapy, blogging and reading books, I felt ready to trust myself and my body to try this totally new way of eating and thinking about food. I was trying to decide when the best day it would be to start based on some other events that were going on in my life. Do I wait until those events passed, what day would make the most sense to get started with this, how exactly do I begin?

In the middle of wavering about when and how to start, before going to bed one Friday night, I read in Jenni Schaeffer’s book about taking the leap off the mountain without a parachute. I had my answer. The next day, with little fanfare, I didn’t count my calories or weigh/measure my food portions. I took the huge leap of faith. I finally had the trust in myself that I could listen to my body and that my body would not do me wrong. I realized that food is just that, food; it is not something that has magical powers over me. I control it, it does not control me.

That was over three (update – four) months ago and though there are days here and there, especially in the beginning, when I still sometimes tally the calories in my head (long-time habits are hard to break!), I still did/do not write it down as I had done for decades.

I still feel like a work in progress. I am now pretty good at reading my hunger cues, but am still working on my satiety cues. (My cues have been thrown off after 30+ years of compulsive overeating and bingeing, so I understand it’s normal that it will take some time for my body to send me the right messages and for me to interpret them properly.) I have however, maintained my weight, so I guess I’ve been making good choices.

Right now things are a bit tricky because though I’ve always worked out 3-4 days a week, I’m training for my first triathlon, which is more intense than my normal workouts, and it has thrown off my hunger cues. My appetite, oddly enough, has been reduced greatly. I know eating less would not be good for my training or for maintaining my weight, so I have had to eat even when I’m not hungry in order to keep my body properly fueled for my training.

I feel like I’m walking a fine line between eating more because I know my body needs the fuel, and eating “just because” I can, bordering on compulsive eating. I have decided to weigh myself twice a month instead of once a month to help keep a tab on my food intake in relation to my triathlon training. As I’m dedicated to doing this first triathlon, I am equally dedicated to not blow my 2+ years of binge-free hard work and more recently, IE, but it’s difficult at times to keep my old ways from overtaking me again.

Still, letting go of the calorie counting, weighing and measuring food portions and making no foods forbidden has been freeing and empowering. When you stop framing foods as “bad” it takes away its attraction. Everything in moderation actually has meaning in my life now. So do the terms “eating to live” instead of “living to eat.”

I love and embrace the new mindset of no food is forbidden, although I do choose to still make healthy choices, for instance, not choosing a meal with a cream sauce or one that is fried. Although when it comes to dessert, the sky is the limit, just in moderation. =)

Follow up to when I wrote this about a month ago… with some daily self affirmations I was able to get my head back on straight and am back to IE. In fact, with my training intensifying as the race is getting closer, I am hungry almost all day long, so no problems following my hunger cues there!

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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‘My Real Story’ as Posted on “Healthy Girl”, Part 1

For those of you who didn’t feel like clicking over in yesterday’s post, here is part of my ‘real story’ as posted on Healthy Girl.

If you just started reading my blog, this will fill you in on where I’m coming from. If you already know my story, just skip the post below. =)

My eating disorder story began over 30 years ago when I was about 8 or 9 years old, when I became a compulsive overeater and binger. I had a mother who hid junk food from me because she said/knew I would eat more than my share and not leave enough for the family to enjoy, and I had a father who teased me in my teen years about my rear end being big. He thought he was a riot and that I knew he was teasing, but he had no idea how that “teasing” affected me.

For many years I binged on sweets like there was no tomorrow, always hiding the wrappers, packages and bags out of shame. My weight ballooned up and would come down when I would diet, only to balloon back up again. It was an ugly cycle.

As I got older and got married, it continued. When we went to parties or events, my mind was busy centered on the food, instead of enjoying time with friends. When we hosted parties, I loved cleaning up because then I got to devour leftover desserts when everyone had gone. I lived to eat, instead of eating to live.

I thought about food all the time. I would think about what I would eat next before even finishing what I was currently eating.

My recovery first began in December of 2007, a few months before I turned 40, when one night, the words “compulsive overeater” somehow popped into my head. I got on my laptop and did some googling, and found my way to the Overeaters Anonymous website. They had a list of questions that asked something to the effect of “are you one of us?” I answered “yes” to most of them.

This was both horrific and wonderful at the same time. There was the shame of having a sickness, a disease, an eating disorder, but at the same time, being an A-type personality, I was thrilled there was a name for what I was doing and realized that I could get help.

So my passion then became getting help for myself. I went to OA meetings, I found a therapist, and I got honest with myself and my husband. I wrote him a very long, cathartic letter revealing all of my food/eating secrets. He knew I liked to eat sweets, but had no idea that I did so much eating in secret and how much I thought about food/eating.

I cried off and on for days. Decades of my secrets had finally come bubbling up to the surface.

OA helped me to realize that I was not alone. Through therapy I learned that the things I mentioned earlier in my childhood are what turned me to the comfort of food. I was not getting the nurturing and love that I needed from my family, so I found it in food. This pattern repeated itself over and over again as I got older and had become deeply ingrained even though I married an amazing man almost 13 years ago.

I have been binge-free since I realized and embraced that I had an eating disorder. I lost the extra weight I had been carrying and have maintained the loss for 20 months now. I did this by counting calories, weighing and measuring food portions, and working out. I also weighed myself every day.

Oddly enough, I weighed myself and have counted calories for over 20 years actually, even when the numbers were astronomically high. I felt like food was the only thing I could control in my life.

In January 2010, I started to just get on the scale once a month. The mere thought of that gave me heart palpitations, but it turned out to be quite simple. Then in late March, a certain calm or peace came over me and I decided I was ready to delve into the world of Intuitive Eating. Six months prior, the mere thought of giving up my calorie counting, weighing/measuring my food portions would have had me laughing in your face, but at the end of March, all the therapy, eating disorder books I read and blogging gave me the awarenesses I needed to make the giant leap of faith.

Almost three months later, I can’t tell you how empowering and freeing it is to have dropped that white-knuckle grip of control I had on my food. I have come to learn that “normal” eaters overeat occasionally. The difference is that they don’t focus on it and beat themselves up about it. They just put it behind them and move on to the next meal or day.

The “voices” in my head that roared like a lion when I was in the throws of compulsive overeating and bingeing have become the whispers of a mouse.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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Triathlon Training Update & No-Binge Bracelet

I can’t believe it as I’m writing this, but the triathlon is two weeks from this past Sunday!

On Sunday, our family was invited to go out on a friend’s boat which gave me a wonderful opportunity to do a practice swim in the open water, a lake. Once again, a whole other animal than swimming in the pool with it’s tidy clear water, walls and lane markers.

I was scheduled to do a 5-mile run, so I did that before we left. I won’t bore you with the details but I ordered asked nicely for my husband and our friend to please do certain things to help make this swim close to the conditions I’m going to face at the actual race – like having to swim out and having to navigate around an object that will be like a buoy. Besides rounding up 400 other people to swim around with me, they did a great job.

It was actually kind of interesting to have my husband and my kids in a boat 10-20 yards ahead of me watching me in case I showed signs of drowning. My 8-yr old son asked me about three times if I was OK. I told him I was OK, but it was really hard. The fact that I could even respond was quite a feat.

Since the boat doesn’t have an odometer, we marked the distance based upon my swim time from the duathlon. Bottom line – I did it and I didn’t stop this time (like I did at the duathlon)! My husband was kind enough to jump in the lake with me with about 1/3 the distance left, and swim in my proximity to help me experience another swimmer in the water. While we were out there together, with my head above the water doing breaststroke, I asked him if the dock was getting further away or if I was somehow swimming backwards. Funny how that phenomenon happened during the duathlon too. Anyway, he assured me that was not the case.

Unbeknownst to me, he had decided to race me in to the finish. I somehow beat him! A little while later he told me that his arms were pretty sore. Um, really!?!?!?

While on the boat, both kids told me, after one of the times they were out swimming/playing around in the lake, that they could never do a triathlon, which of course led me to my – you can do anything you set your mind to speech.

On another note, I have realized that I don’t push myself enough when I’m swimming. In both training in the pool and swimming in the lake Sunday, I easily give up on freestyle and go to breaststroke to give myself a break. I’m not sure why that is. As competitive and athletic I’ve been my entire life, I guess the older I get, the less I seem to push myself.

It’s weird because I know darn well that freestyle is a lot faster than breaststroke is. It would help me finish the swim portion of the triathlon faster to get me on to bless-ed dry land. It could also keep me from getting trampled by the stronger swimmers who start in the wave after me. So I REALLY need to remind myself, both during training in the pool and when I’m out there for the race and I get that feeling of needing to take a break and go to breast, that I truly can push myself a little harder.

On an entirely different note, I just hit the 31- month binge-free mark and put another bead on my bracelet. Whoot!!

Last, but certainly not least, I am fortunate to be doing a two-part guest blog on the fabulous Healthy Girl blog today. Part 1 is running today. Check it out if you have a moment.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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Award – 7 Things About Me

love2eatinpa, 27 July 2010, 22 comments
Categories: Day to Day Stuff
Tags: , ,

The wonderful blogger at Food My Drug of Choice was kind enough to choose me for this award.

These are the award’s rules:
1. Thank the person who gave you the award. Thanks FMDOC!!!
2. Share seven things about yourself. Coming up…
3. Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs. Sort of coming up, you’ll have to click on the links…
4. Let your nominees know about the award. Um, did it before and too lazy to do again, sorry =)

Seven things about me that I haven’t written yet…

1. I think I like taking my kids to see/watch Disney movies more than they enjoy the movies.

2. You know how everyone has at least one really bizarre or crazy thing/talent they can do? Not me, I don’t have one.

3. I’ve driven an SUV for a little over 10 years and I don’t think I could ever go back to driving a sedan. Why? Because I’m 5’3″ and I really like the idea of feeling somewhat tall at least at some point during the day.

4. I am the only person in my family who does not have curly hair.

5. I’m currently addicted to watching triathlons on TV.

6. In the summer, I like to paint my toenails or do an occasional splurge on a pedi. For some reason, I never do my fingernails. I think because I use my hands so much that the polish gets crapped up so quickly.

7. As a kid, I always thought it would be so cool to wear glasses. Fast forward to my late 30’s, guess who actually needed them?

and one for good luck…

8. I have never colored my hair. The grays are starting to come in though, so I see hair coloring in my future…

I think via other awards I’ve been lucky enough to be the recipient of, I have probably already nominated most of the other blogs I enjoy reading. I apologize if I’ve not mentioned you! You can see the blog lists here and here.

Last, and certainly not least, a shout out to Katie at “Health for the Whole Self” for her awesome giveaway. Check it out here.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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Training & Eating Update + First Photo

Just checking in so you know I’m still around and kicking.

The triathlon is in just under four weeks now. I am sitting on the edge of my seat reading about Rita of The Giggly Bits as she is writing about her first triathlon experience.

I’m still finding the swim harder than the running and biking, but I guess that is only natural as I’ve only been swimming four eight weeks and have been running for over 13 years. The biking so far just seems comfortable to me, I guess because all of my cardio up until now has been involving my legs. My training schedule called for some swim sprints yesterday morning and oddly enough, I found them enjoyable. It was good to know that I could kick it up a gear.

My eating has gotten back to my new-since-march-IE “normal”. I took off the weight I put on during all those dessert buffets I was faced with a few weeks ago. As goofy as it sounds, I did some daily affirmations in the mirror after the events/buffets were over and I felt like that was helpful. I am back to honoring my hunger and my body.

Here is a photo of me (that the race people took) at the end of the duathlon. I have the timing chip around my ankle and I am just crossing the mat at the finish line. (Sorry, not the greatest photo, our scanner isn’t working.)

And oh, last but not least, I am the grateful recipient of a blog award, which I will happily pay forward later this week or next week.

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Wall Street Journal Article – “Eating to Live or Living to Eat?”

This is a cross posted on WATRD.

On Tuesday, my husband showed me a really interesting article in the Wall Street Journal. It was called “Eating to Live or Living to Eat? Stomach vs. Brain: Discovering Why Some People Can Resist Dessert While Others Can’t” By Melinda Beck.

It was a really interesting article and I wanted to share some quotes with you…

“Scientists have learned much more about how appetite works in the brain and “nowadays, scientists are using sophisticated brain-imaging technology to understand how the lure of delicious food can overwhelm the body’s built-in mechanism to regulate hunger and fullness, what’s called “hedonic” versus “homeostatic” eating.

Two conferences this week on obesity are each examining aspects of how appetite works in the brain and why some people ignore their built-in fullness signals. Scientists hope that breakthroughs will lead to ways to retrain people’s thinking about food or weight-loss drugs that can target certain brain areas.

“If you are of normal weight, your homeostatic mechanisms are functioning and controlling this region of the brain,” says lead investigator Dana Small. “But in the overweight group, there is some sort of dysfunction in the homeostatic signal so that even though they weren’t hungry, they were vulnerable to these external eating cues.”

Studies have found that a diet of sweet, high-fat foods can indeed blunt the body’s built-in fullness signals. Most of them emanate from the digestive tract, which releases chemical messengers including cholecystokinin, glucagon-like peptide and peptide YY when the stomach and intestines are full. Those signals travel up to the brain stem and then the hypothalamus, telling the body to stop eating.

There are plenty of other metabolic mysteries, too: Why are some “foodies” who get intense pleasure from eating able to stop when they’re full and others aren’t? Is the tendency to eat way past fullness genetic or learned behavior, and how much can it be changed?”

Here is what I found most fascinating, as this is what applies to where I’m at right now…

“Some of the most intriguing imaging studies have peered into the brains of people who have lost significant weight and kept it off through diet and exercise alone.

Angelo Del Parigi, a neuroimaging scientist, located 11 “post-obese” subjects who had dieted down to the lean range. In his studies for the National Institutes of Health’s diabetes research center in Phoenix, Dr. Del Parigi found that food still elicited strong responses in the middle insula and the hippocampus, brain areas involving addiction, reward, learning and memory.

This suggests that the temptation to see food as pleasure doesn’t go away. “Post-obese people are extremely prone to regain weight,” says Dr. Del Parigi. “The only way they have to counteract these strong predispositions is by having a very controlled lifestyle, with restrained food intake and exercise.”

He and his colleagues at the NIH have observed that in PET scans, too. In another study, 17 people who had successfully lost weight had more activity in the dorsal lateral prefrontal cortex, a part of the brain involved in impulse-control in response to food than people who were still obese.

In short, successful weight losers seemed to have having second thoughts about eating on impulse, says Dr. Del Parigi. “These people see a piece of pie that is very inviting, but they think, ‘No, I have to diet. Otherwise, I will become obese again. I will suppress that pleasure,’ ” he says.”

A sidebar to the article, was a poll called “The Power of Food Scale”. Now that I have recovered from my compulsive overeating / bingeing, I found that my answers to the questions right now, compared to how I answered them a year ago, were very different. This was a good thing.

However, I guess that is why, even though I’m basically recovered, according to this research, food/eating will always be somewhat of a struggle for me, for the rest of my life.

I kind of expected that to be the case, but now I’ve seen it in black and white.

For some reason I cannot put the link here, so if you want to read the article, please cut and paste this into your browser –

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704288204575363072381955744.html?KEYWORDS=eating+to+live

On another note, did anyone see the Oprah follow-up show with author Geneen Roth? Pretty powerful stuff.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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Dealing with Stress

love2eatinpa, 12 July 2010, 25 comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags:


Over the July 4th weekend, I read a great post by a fantastic blogger, Katie, who writes Health for the Whole Self.

Go ahead, I’ll wait why you read it…

I told Katie that I lived and died by my lists.  That if I don’t write something down, it will not get done/called/bought.  I have different lists for different things, different levels of urgency. 

Katie had a great suggestion on her blog about making a Roman Numeral list, where there is an A, B and C column for the different levels of urgency.  I like that idea very much.

But here is my problem.  I get overwhelmed pretty easily.  A full inbox of emails (and I have two email addresses – one for my blog and one for my life outside my blog) makes me feel stressed.  So does a long list of things I need to do. Put it all together and you get one overwhelmed, stressed girl who needs to deep breathe into  a paperbag.  (OK, I really don’t do that, but maybe I should!)

I feel that if I don’t read/respond to my emails and don’t do the, say 10 things on my “to do today” list, then tomorrow there will be twice as many emails and probably 10 more things on my “to do” list, so I really better take care of them asap or I will need to be taken away in a straightjacket.

I was talking to my husband the other day about it.  While we were talking, he was at his sister’s house, with our kids, relaxing at their backyard pool.  Me, I was running around doing errands, doing laundry, working my at-home job, trying to respond to emails, making calls about this and that, well, you get the picture. 

He called me in the late afternoon so we could make our plans for dinner and he said he was just blowing off all of his responsibilities and hanging out in the pool.  And this is a guy with a ton of responsibilities, who never really just sits around and hangs out until the late evening, and works very hard.

Blow off my responsibilities?!?!?  How do I do that without creating extra stress for myself the following day?

Please, somebody, help me out here! How do you guys do it?

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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I Did my First Duathlon!

love2eatinpa, 08 July 2010, 36 comments
Categories: Triathlon training
Tags: , , ,

First the good news – I finished!

The bad news – the swim was really hard. Like, this-close-to-giving-up hard.

Let me walk you through…

I was totally nervous throughout the day. Major butterflies in my stomach. It was 100 degrees out so I made sure to do my best to eat and drink appropriately for the 7:00 pm start time.

I was picked up by our friend Tom (not his real name, trying to protect the innocent here). Tom has done this duathlon and numerous other races many times, and he is a great athlete. In fact, he won his age group and came in 21st overall last night! Big props to Tom! How lucky was I to be driving with him and getting his advice??!!?

We go get there and go to the registration table. I’m pulling my wallet out of my purse and look what I found…

Is my daughter awesome, or what?!?!? What a great surprise!

So the 1/4 mile swim was point-to-point in a lake in New Jersey. The men were set to go first, followed two minutes later by the women. You had to wade about chest high into the water to start. At 5’3″, most people’s chests are at my eyeball level so I had to hang back instead instead of wasting energy treading water. In fact, Tom advised me, as it was my first time, to completely hang back and count to 10 after they blew the horn for the women to go so I would be free and clear, highly unlikely to be whacked or kicked my anyone. Great advice. (In hindsight, I realize that I swam further than I had to, but I digress.)

The water was really warm, like a bath tub, which was fine with me as I’m always chilly. So the horn blew for the women’s start. I delayed (I didn’t count to 10, maybe got to five, before I felt like I had a clear shot) then off I went.

The water was really murky and brown. I could hardly see anything, which oddly enough did not upset me. I planned to start of slowly, at my own pace, and I did. But after about 20 or so strokes, my arms started to fatigue/hurt. Crap! So I went to my plan b of breaststroking and mixed that in with my freestyle.

Have you ever seen that movie where I think it’s a child is running down a hallway and no matter how fast they run, due to movie magic, the hallway actually gets longer and not only does the child not appear to be going forward but are in fact losing ground? That is how I felt. The finish ahead of me looked SO far away, but I was determined not to throw in the towel.

So I flipped between freestyle and breast to try to get past the fatigue in my arms and move forward. I tried to look behind me and saw pretty much no-one. I hated the fact that I was last. (Yes, I am competitive!) Even the lifeguard in the kayak was paddling along parallel to me outside the swim area. This did not bode well, but I was determined to keep forging ahead. On another quick turnaround, I did see a few other women behind me, which made me feel a little better. I have only been swimming for six weeks, so I was ok with this.

About 2/3 of the way through, I stopped. I just had to. I had to catch my breath and take a rest. It was a big help as the rest enabled me to finally make it to the end of the lake. I would have kissed the sand but didn’t have the strength to bend over, and feared that if I did, I wouldn’t get back up again.

Of course at that point, one of the race photographers snapped a photo. I don’t know if I was grimacing in fatigue and disappointment about how hard it was, or if I was deliriously smiling because I was done that portion of the race.

So I went to the transition area and did a pretty decent job of taking off my swim cap and goggles while putting my wet feet into my socks and sneakers, grabbed my hair band and race belt and off I went. When I started the run, I saw 18 minutes and change on the time clock and thought how crappy it was that it took over 18 minutes to swim when I was hoping to not be more than 15 minutes. Ugh!

It took a mile or so to get into my running groove, but I did and was able to run pretty strong. There were people pretty far ahead of me and I was able to pick off about six of them at some point during this 5K portion, which made me feel good.

When I crossed the finish line, the time clock read 47 minutes and change. I was hoping to finish the race in 45-50 minutes, so 47+ was great. Tom was standing right there to congratulate me on finishing. He reminded me that the women started at least two minutes later so I really did finish in 45 minutes. I was excited. When I went online this morning to see the results and the photos, it turns out I did the swim in 14:06 and the entire thing in 44:15. Woohoo! Photos aren’t available yet. When they do get posted, if I look semi-human in them, I may post them on another day.

Unfortunately, in terms of the race, I did lousy, I came in 93 out of 104 participants. But you know what, I’m fine with that. It was such a great experience and I was really happy with how I did.

As for why my arms fatigued so quickly, there are a couple of excuses reasons why that may have happened. 1) I NEVER work out at night, always in the mornings, so that may have thrown me off some. 2) while waiting for the start, I was standing in chest high water using my arms to keep me upright, so perhaps in those five minutes, I was using up some of my arm strength. 3) I started a good 20 feet behind the starting line, so I swam further than I needed to. 4) because I am only six weeks into my training, while I tried to taper before the race, it’s quite possible that my body was still pretty tired from my weekend workout as I did not do a full taper, which I will do for the tri next month. Lastly, it just might not have been my night.

But you know what, whatever the case may be, I have only been swimming for six weeks (did I perhaps mention that already?), and I COMPLETED MY FIRST DUATHLON!!!!

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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Triathlon Training Update and My Eating

My triathlon training continues to be moving along nicely. In fact, this morning, I am proud to report that, for the first time, I swam 16 laps in the pool without stopping! (Sixteen laps is the eqiuvalent of 1/4 mile, which is the distance of the swim portion of the triathlon.) When I started training 6 weeks ago, swimming one lap required me to stop and catch my breath. (By the way, when I refer to laps, a lap is one way, from end to end). The swimming is still very challenging, but I’m working through it and it feels good.

Unless it pours, I’m set to do a sort of trial race on Wednesday, 7/7. It is a duathlon that involves the same distance open water swim as my tri , followed by a 5k run. It would be really helpful for me to do at least one open water swim before my triathlon, so I won’t be shocked from doing all my training in a pool, where I can see clearly, to going to seeing lord only knows what kind of aquatic life and other junk in the open water. Though I will only be 6 weeks into my 12 week training, it will be a scary test to see how my training is coming along. Overall it should be great experience for me.

So while all that is great, there is a bit of negativeness in all this… I’m still battling with my eating, i.e. eating enough to fuel my body for my training, but not taking advantage and crossing over the line back to compulsive overeating. I’m trying to listen to my satiety cues, but with some carte blanche to eat more, I know darn well I am ignoring my cues and it has to STOP.

I have not binged, but I have definitely been exhibiting some ED’d behaviors

The past couple of weeks have been stressful. I’ve written a little about it in my last few posts, so don’t want to bore you again with my issues. Suffice to say that on top of those, I have been exposed six days/night out of eight, to buffets of desserts. Tough for even a “normal” eater to deal with! Once a week or every two weeks eating a little too much is “normal” and I’m totally good with it.

But for the past few solid weeks, the fact remains that while before I was just standing next to the line in the sand, that if I stepped over would lead me to the “dark side”, I feel like I’m now standing on top of the line.

I got on the scale to touch base to see how I was doing and I have in fact gained weight. I’m totally fine with that, but I don’t want to keep gaining. I’m sure some of it is muscle from the training, but I can’t kid myself, I know that some of it is from my carte blanche eating.

I need the rope of common sense, the lifeline reminder of how hard I’ve worked to recover from my eating disorder, the help and support to keep me from being drawn back into the world of compulsive overeating and bingeing, to pull me off of “the line” and back into making the right choices.

Today is my last BBQ. I’m going in with the mindset of not giving myself carte blanche anymore. I’ve sampled and enjoyed enough junk five times already in seven days. I know they are unusual circumstances, but I need to go back to making better choices for myself.

Sorry for the rambling thoughts, thanks, as always, for listening!

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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Wednesday Words

love2eatinpa, 30 June 2010, 18 comments
Categories: Day to Day Stuff
Tags: , , , ,

You know those emails that a friend sends you that have gone all over the planet and back a few times, but they still have a great message? Well, I received this recently and found it pretty powerful so I wanted to share it with you.

“May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of
us.”

I need to take this in and absorb this. I have SO many things going on in my head/my world right now, that I need to stop worrying about them, if even just for a few minutes, to let this wonderful set of sentences sink in. I hope you chose to do the same.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

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