I Almost Blew It

I had “one of those days” yesterday.

Even after being binge-free for over two years and feeling really good lately – making some big strides with not getting on the scale for a full month, listening to my hunger cues and my general awareness increasing, I had a rough day yesterday.

The compulsive eating ‘voices’ that had become a whisper for the most part, laying pretty low in the background of my life, for some reason chose to make themselves heard yesterday, loudly.

I really wanted to eat even though I wasn’t hungry… I never felt satiated when I did eat… I wanted moremoremore…I could feel all components in place, lining up for a binge.

Though I had to keep going into my “bag of tricks” to remain binge-free, more than I have had to in a long time, thankfully I was able to not let the food get control of me. I somehow had the strength to stay in control of the food. But wow, it wasn’t easy.

At the end of the night, I tried to think back to why I was getting such a strong need to eat, why I felt insatiable. I know that later in the day I was annoyed with my son for being (what I thought was) very disrespectful to me and that really got under my skin. That made my dinner/dessert a trial, but I couldn’t figure out what had been going on in my life to make the entire day leading up to then make me feel the need to stuff my face. The only thing I came up with was that “Aunt Flo” was packing up her bags and maybe it was a hormone thing?

It just goes to show that no matter how well you are doing with staying on top of the eating disorder, no matter how long you go without binging, the sickness is always lurking right there, “this much” away from the surface, ready to pounce on you.

Here’s hoping for an easier day today!

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

[Slashdot] [Digg] [Reddit] [del.icio.us] [Facebook] [Technorati] [Google] [StumbleUpon]

Comments

22 Responses, Leave a Reply
  1. Shelby
    21 February 2010, 2:14 pm

    I’m glad you didn’t blow it. I’m sorry that you had a close call — a rough day — but maybe, as you said, sometimes we need those in order to remind ourselves of where we’ve been and how easy it would be to go back to that. I sure never want to go back to the compulsive overeater I was back in the early 80s. Just the idea…. scary….

    And I’d love to hear about your “bag of tricks” because I’m pretty sure I could use a couple of them.
    .-= Shelby´s last blog ..Experiment Fail and Lesson Learned =-.

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    thanks, shelby. you are so right, it was definitley an eye opener for me. i’ve been lucky to have been having an easy time of it lately, even tempting the fates that I could act “as if” i was a normal eater. this certainly put me back in my place. as for my “bag of tricks”… perhaps i will post about them tomorrow… =)

    [Reply]

  2. Suzie
    21 February 2010, 4:47 pm

    sounds like a really hard day but you made it through. Even if you had slipped, that wouldn’t change how well you’ve done (that’s what I tell myself anyway). How did you make it through? Do you keep binge food in the house or do you subscribe to the method of having to go out and get a treat if you want it? I tend to keep it in the house now to take away from it’s allure. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
    .-= Suzie´s last blog ..so many questions =-.

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    well, i guess it would have depended how far i slipped, shelby. if i just went over by a couple hundred calories, i would be ok with that. if i spun out of control and compulsively ate everything in the house that wasn’t nailed down, then that would go under the category of binge and would have been a deal-breaker with my 2+ years of abstinence.
    as for binge foods, well, let’s face it, anything can be a binge food! because i have two kids (age 10 and 7), there is always some junk in the house. for the most part, i don’t even “see” it. but a true true treat, no, i guess i don’t keep that in the house.
    as far as how i made it through, since you are the second person who asked, i’m going to post about it tomorrow. =)

    [Reply]

  3. Diana
    21 February 2010, 6:05 pm

    That makes me sad, but also hopeful. I really wish there was a “cure”, but at least you know you had the strength to not give in.
    .-= Diana´s last blog ..Scale betrayal =-.

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    it was a big reality check, diana. i had been cruising along, thinking i was becoming closer to a “normal” eater, and i think it was just the big guy’s way of reminding me that i do have a sickness and that i will have to really face it from time to time.

    [Reply]

  4. Diana
    21 February 2010, 6:07 pm

    Have you posted somewhere already some of the stuff in your “bag of tricks”? I tried looking, but may have missed it.
    .-= Diana´s last blog ..Scale betrayal =-.

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    so funny you and others have asked, i’m going to post them tomorrow. =)

    [Reply]

  5. Jill
    21 February 2010, 7:32 pm

    I would also love to hear how you made it through and what your bag of tricks is. I know during my time of the month I get super hungry for salt and sugar!

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    tune in tomorrow! =)

    [Reply]

  6. Laura T.
    21 February 2010, 8:25 pm

    im definitely on board with everyone when they say you need to talk about your “bag of tricks.” i had a rough day today and need some suggestions as to how i can avoid a day like today!

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    i’m sorry you struggled today, laura. i guess we all have our trying days, huh? i don’t think i can tell you how to avoid it, but at least i can hopefully can give a tip or two tomorrow to help you make it through a bit easier.

    [Reply]

  7. Patsy
    22 February 2010, 6:40 am

    There are all manner of triggers… I’m stunned and impressed you’ve kept it under control for 2 whole years! That’s pretty amazing! Well done for keeping it under control. 🙂
    .-= Patsy´s last blog ..The Perfect 10 Challenge – Week 7 Update =-.

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    thanks, patsy. it was a real struggle on saturday, but i made it through. though it sucked to be ‘keeping it real’ like that, it was a good reminder of really hard this disease is.

    [Reply]

  8. christie @ honoring health
    22 February 2010, 7:39 am

    I am glad you made it through without binging and good for you for looking at the reasons why. When I have the urge to binge, I try not to look at it as blowing it, I remind myself that my binging is a symptom of something else and that for a long time binging was my only form of self care. Now, the desire to binge reminds me that I am not taking care of myself in the ways that I should be or that something is bothering me that I just don’t want to feel.
    .-= christie @ honoring health´s last blog ..My Schedule, My Message, My Regrets =-.

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    you’re right, christie, bingeing is definitely a symptom of something else, though i couldn’t figure out what it was on saturday. it’s awesome that you recognize what your binges are about now and can deal appropriately with them. no easy task!

    [Reply]

  9. Holly
    22 February 2010, 10:03 am

    I think that is huge that you were able to identify the reason you were drawn to a near-binge. And it’s even BIGGER that you still managed to stop! Sometimes I am even able to identify why I want to binge, but sometimes it doesn’t stop me. I’ve very anxious to hear about your bag of tricks!!
    .-= Holly´s last blog ..Deal or No Deal =-.

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    i made it through my the skin of my teeth, holly, let me assure you! it is SO hard to get out of that mode once that frenzied feeling takes over your body.

    [Reply]

  10. Anonymous Fat Girl
    22 February 2010, 10:37 am

    I’m sorry you had such a tough day. Last week I was talking to my mom about this very thing. Even when I get to “goal” I’ll still never be over my issues with food. It’s something that I’ll ALWAYS have to deal with. It makes me sad to think that, but then I see someone like you who has come so far and been through so much and is still doing it, and I know I can too.
    .-= Anonymous Fat Girl´s last blog ..Protein, my workout last night, and leg bruises =-.

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    yes, sadly, this is not a ‘condition’ that is just going to go away. it’s like being an alcoholic, once you are one, you are one for life no matter how many years you remain sober.
    i don’t kid myself. it totally SUCKS that i will have to deal with food issues for the rest of my life to some extent, i just hope i can keep growing and becoming more aware to help make the future a bit easier.
    and thanks. i’m so glad that i can inspire you somehow.

    [Reply]

  11. Sagan
    22 February 2010, 9:10 pm

    “I know, not the best thing for me, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.” I completely agree with this. It might not be the best choice we could have made, but it’s far better than the alternative!

    Last week I had a horrible time for binge-eating. I’ve never really binge-eaten before; not quite like this. This week I’m trying to focus very hard on not binging and dealing with the stresses that led me to binging. If I can get through this week binge-free, then I’m going to see if next week I can start working on losing the five pounds that I’ve put on. I think that taking it slow is the best way to do it.

    Thanks for sharing your bag of tricks, and congratulations on making it through! For me, I often have to go for a long walk and get out of the house. Sometimes going into the next room doesn’t quite cut it.
    .-= Sagan´s last blog ..The Living Healthy in the Real World Guide to Grocery Shopping, Part Four: Where to Shop =-.

    [Reply]

    love2eatinpa Reply:

    i’m sorry you had a rough week last week, sagan. it’s good that you are trying to deal with the stress, as that awareness is half the battle. thanks for sharing your tip! i have a feeling that you are going to get through this week, and all the rest, just fine. one day at a time.

    [Reply]

Leave a Reply:

Name *

Mail (hidden) *

Website

CommentLuv badge