Go ahead, I’ll wait why you read it…

I told Katie that I lived and died by my lists.  That if I don’t write something down, it will not get done/called/bought.  I have different lists for different things, different levels of urgency. 

Katie had a great suggestion on her blog about making a Roman Numeral list, where there is an A, B and C column for the different levels of urgency.  I like that idea very much.

But here is my problem.  I get overwhelmed pretty easily.  A full inbox of emails (and I have two email addresses – one for my blog and one for my life outside my blog) makes me feel stressed.  So does a long list of things I need to do. Put it all together and you get one overwhelmed, stressed girl who needs to deep breathe into  a paperbag.  (OK, I really don’t do that, but maybe I should!)

I feel that if I don’t read/respond to my emails and don’t do the, say 10 things on my “to do today” list, then tomorrow there will be twice as many emails and probably 10 more things on my “to do” list, so I really better take care of them asap or I will need to be taken away in a straightjacket.

I was talking to my husband the other day about it.  While we were talking, he was at his sister’s house, with our kids, relaxing at their backyard pool.  Me, I was running around doing errands, doing laundry, working my at-home job, trying to respond to emails, making calls about this and that, well, you get the picture. 

He called me in the late afternoon so we could make our plans for dinner and he said he was just blowing off all of his responsibilities and hanging out in the pool.  And this is a guy with a ton of responsibilities, who never really just sits around and hangs out until the late evening, and works very hard.

Blow off my responsibilities?!?!?  How do I do that without creating extra stress for myself the following day?

Please, somebody, help me out here! How do you guys do it?

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

The rules of the award are that I have to tell you 7 things that you don’t know about me yet…

1. For two seasons, when I was about 9 and 10 years old, I was the only girl in the boys little league baseball league.
2. I went sky diving (a tandem jump) in 1998. My husband and his friend did it as well. That was before we had children. Words cannot describe how amazing it was.
3. My very first job, after I got working papers at age 16, was at a local Burger King. (Those brown and orange polyester uniforms were the worst!) I have vivid memories of standing over the french fry bin and stuffing my face with fries. I also vividly remember melting bacon and cheese in the microwave and eating it, over and over again.
4. When I was about 14, I was a mother’s helper in Atlantic City. The boy I watched was 2-1/2 years old and had cerebral palsy. Long story short – I once had to give him the Heimlich maneuver to keep him from choking on a peanut butter sandwich. Thank goodness it worked! It made me so ill though, the family had to cut their weekend short to bring me home.
5. I got certified for scuba diving, along with my husband, before our honeymoon in 1997, so we could dive the coral reefs of Australia.
6. I am one of those weirdos who is always cold.
7. I am an embarrassment to the female race – I do not like shopping, I know next to nothing about make-up, designer labels or shoes, and I’m not into fancy jewelry.

The 2nd rule is that I have to pass the award on to seven other Beautiful Bloggers. Yikes! This is hard, there are so many I like! So in no particular order, here are some, ok, ten, that I didn’t get to mention when I was lucky enough to win one of these awards a month or two ago…

1. The Balance Broad
2. Waisting Time
3. Anonymous Fat Girl
4. Eating Journey
5. The Giggly Bits
6. Living Healthy in the Real World
7. A Weight Lifted
8. Poise in Parma
9. Tippy Toe Diet
10.Half of Jess

I hope you’ll check these out! They are all great blogs about things like losing weight, eating disorders, intuitive eating, healthy living and fitness, mixed in with life.

A shout out to Michelle at Eating Journey for her awesome Happy Giveaway.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

Since October, I have had a lot of things that I’ve been trying to keep juggling in the air – working two part-time jobs from home, being present for my husband and kids, focusing on my ED recovery, as well as blogging about said recovery.

I realized that I need to be able to help my kids with homework, go have a catch with my son, enjoy time with my husband, or heaven forbid take a minute to myself, without feeling totally stressed that I wasn’t posting or reading people’s awesome blogs. While I’m sure many of you can do all that and more, for me, it was very stressful.

I still really want to be part of the ED/weight loss/fitness/health blog community, but I have learned in the last month that the blogging has to be part time instead of the full-time endeavor that it had become very quickly.

I am incredibly grateful for this wonderful community. I doubt I would be where I am today (29 months binge-free!) without all of the thoughtful/insightful posts that I’ve read on your blogs, and comments I’ve received from you on mine. You have all touched, educated and inspired me and I hope that continues, even if on a part-time basis.

So with all that being said, I will probably continue to do what I’ve been doing for the past few weeks — which is to post once or twice a week, as well as read blogs once or twice a week.

I realize I’ve lost a lot of readers by doing this, so to those of you who are sticking with me, thanks so much! I definitely appreciate your support as I continue on my recovery journey and now am training for the triathlon in August. I hope I can still be there for you as well, even if it’s only part time.

On an entirely different note, because of all the spam that I have been getting recently, I decided to install one of those “CAPTCHA” code things that you will need to use for my comments. I know it can be a pain in the rear deciphering those letters/numbers, but I’m trying to cut down on the junk comments from people who aren’t even reading the blog (penis enlargement, anyone?)

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

Congrats Amanda! Please send me an email with your address and let me know if you want them plain, as I had them pictured, or if you want them hand-stamped with one word per shape.

For those of you who didn’t win, you can still get the jewelry you loved from The Silver Maple at a 15% discount through Friday, June 4 to get the piece that you want! Once again, just enter “confessions” as your coupon code.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

I am lucky to be able to present to you today a guest post by the author of “goodbye ed, hello me”, Jenni Schaefer. As I posted before, this book was really life-changing for me in my recovery from my eating disorder. Read it through then check out the book giveaway at the end.

It’s My Body
by Jenni Schaefer

It’s my body. If I am overweight by societal standards or some height/weight chart, my body does not need to be starved in order to fit in. My body will be the size it is supposed to be if I am taking care of myself. I will not fight it.

It’s my body. If I go out on a date and a guy buys me dinner, I do not owe him a kiss or anything else. A simple, “thank you,” does the job just fine. Despite what society might say, my body is not my currency.

It’s my body. If I overeat at a party today, because the food is just so good, I do not need to restrict or over-exercise tomorrow. My body needs to be nourished, everyday, and never deserves to be punished.

It’s my body. If I have been abused, my body does not deserve to be hated. My body is not disgusting because of what someone else did to me. My body is not something to feel ashamed of or to hide. I cherish my body.

It’s my body. If I am sick, I need to give my body rest and do whatever it takes to get well. My body is not invincible. It is fragile. I must not abuse it with food, alcohol, drugs, or anything else. I must take care of it.

It’s my body. Today my organs are nourished and can function properly. I get enough sleep. I am strong. I do things that feel enjoyable like hiking, swimming, getting a massage, yoga, or even kissing my date — when I choose to do so.

It’s my body. I do not look like you or anyone else. You might be taller or thinner than me. By societal standards, you might be prettier than me. But you are not me. And I am not you.

It’s your body. Respect it. Nourish it. Love it.

Appointed to the Ambassador Council of the National Eating Disorders Association, Jenni Schaefer is a singer/songwriter, speaker, and author of Life Without Ed and Goodbye Ed, Hello Me. She is a consultant with the Center For Change in Orem, Utah. For more information, visit www.jennischaefer.com.

Jenni is kind enough to giveaway one “goodbye ed, hello me” book to you!

Two ways to enter for a free book…
1. please leave a comment
2. link back to this post from your blog, which will count as a second entry, and please leave in the comment section that you posted the link.

A random commenter will be chosen on Monday, May 3, and will be announced the following day.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

Last early May, though I had not binged for over a year, here is what happened…

While at an outdoor carnival at my children’s elementary school, they were serving pizza for dinner as well as a myriad of other junk. I love pizza and having a slice once in a while is totally cool with me.

Well, that late afternoon, I was working at a booth and my (at the time) 9-yr old daughter was hanging out with me there. She went over to get a piece of pizza. I told her to please save me her crust to eat, as she would throw it out anyway. I was fixated on having her crust, sight unseen.

So she was eating her slice and ended up dropping it on the ground halfway through. I actually got annoyed because I was not going to be able to eat the crust. I practically shoved gently encouraged her back to the pizza stand to get another slice. I mean, after all, that was her dinner, and a half eaten slice of pizza was not a decent dinner for her, right? Certainly not enough of a dinner that would allow her to have one of the desserts available.

So she got another slice, ate it, then threw out the crust while I had my back turned. I was so angry.

The huge plastic trash can was just a few feet away and it was 90% filled to the top. So what did I do? I went right over there, saw her crust with her plate and napkin right on top and I picked it off the plate and ate it.

Yes, I did. Without a thought, right in front of everyone – my fellow parent friends, kids I knew, teachers I knew.

After I ate the crust that I was so fixated on, that quite frankly wasn’t even good but that didn’t matter, the mortification of what I had done set in.

My gosh, what the hell was wrong with me!??!?! I reached into a garbage can and pulled a stupid pizza crust off of the top for crying out loud!

So while that was not a binge, it was a horrible, disgusting compulsive eating moment. Who saw me? How could I possibly explain away what I did? How sick and disgusting could I be? I wanted to die.

I right away sought out my husband to tell him what I had done. The next person I went to was a dear friend who was there, a fellow compulsive overeater, to admit what I had done. I had to tell someone who would truly understand. I felt being honest, instead of letting it simmer inside me, was the way to go.

Now, I’m not particulary proud of this, but this ED has led me to take things out of my own personal garbage cans in the privacy of my own home while no one was looking, but to do it for the first (and last!) time in public was taking it to a whole other sick level.

Anyway, later that evening, I called this same friend to discuss it further. She knocked some sense into me. She told me it was done, I couldn’t change it, that I have to learn from it, put it behind me and move forward. It took a good 24 hours of shame for me to let her words sink in, but they finally did.

So, it just goes to show that even though I had the bingeing part licked for over a year, my compulsive, irrational, obsessive thoughts were still there. Talk about a reality check!

How about you, care to share your most embarassing food moment?

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

I recently read this great article by Kristin Armstrong (ex of famous cycler Lance Armstrong) in the May edition of Runner’s World magazine.

It was a great message to everyone, that Armstrong applied to both running/working out and her life.

Basically Armstrong said that in a world where most of us feel the weight of our responsibilities pressing down on us, we find ourselves saying “I have to do this” or “I have to do that”. She realized that there are people who are sick or struggling in some other way who would love the opportunity to do the things we feel we have to do.

So Armstrong decided to try to tweak her thoughts a bit. She said that instead of thinking or saying, I have to finish this project or I have to pick up my kids, to instead think – I get to work on this assignment, I get to pick up my kids, I get to help them with their homework, I get to buy groceries and make dinner for my family.

She said that at first it felt a lttle forced and silly, but after a few days it became more natural to her. She felt freer, more thoughtful and more aware of why she does what she does.

Armstrong said that “Perhaps I had become so encumbered with my to-dos that I forget to be thankful for the opportunity to do them. I realized that it’s possible to have a reawakening about the beauty in our lives, to understand that we are so damn lucky to be healthy, to have people to love and the ability to care for them.”

She went on to say that gratitude is contaigious. It’s the smallest thing, but it has the power of something big.

I found this to be quite moving. I am someone who is always rushing and multi-tasking to check things off my to-do list. I feel like I have to get everything I have to do now, because surely something else will be added to the list tomorrow. I often feel stressed and overwhelmed because I feel like I have so much to do. I can honestly say that I don’t feel the gratitude in all the things that I feel like I have to do.

But Armstrong is so right in offering this great way to look at things. I am lucky that I get work to do, have healthy children who I get to schlep to their sporting events, that I get to go the gym, that I have options of what foods to put in my body, and that my body is able to carry groceries, cook meals and do laundry. These are all things that I’m grateful for.

To take it a step further… for many of us, we feel like we have to look a certain way or be a certain weight / size based upon what society expects of us. We get caught up in what we feel we have to do based on something that doesn’t even come from within ourselves.

We perhaps should strive to be grateful for all the great things that we and our bodies get to do. We get to keep trying to make good choices in what we eat and we get to excercise when we want to. We get to indulge in pampering or treats when we can or want to.

Each day we get the opportunity to make changes to better ourselves, to improve our health and our lives. We get the choice to improve our body, mind and spirit. We don’t have to, but we get to choose each morning when we wake up.

Anything in your life that you can change from a “have to” to a “get to?”

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

I was very curious, wasn’t sure what to expect. I had started taking an estrogen supplement about a week before I stopped all my food weighing/measuring and calorie counting. I had read that a side effect of an estrogen supplement is weight gain. So that was on my mind.

I thought that I was eating roughly what I had been eating when I was counting, but thought that maybe I’d eaten a little more each day.

My clothes were still fitting pretty much the same, which of course was the true measure, but I was very curious to touch base on the scale.

Well, I’m happy to report that I lost a pound, which in effect means I maintained my weight, for which I’m quite happy. It’s only been a few weeks, but at least there wasn’t a tremendous gain. That may have scared me away from intuitive eating and had me running back to the calorie counting, weighing and measuring.

Seeing that number on the scale was evidence that this was working for me. I took the huge leap of faith, having the confidence to trust myself and my body, and it seems to be working so far.

So I remain cautiously optimistic. I will get on the scale in another month, and then a month after that. I think at that point, if my weight stays roughly the same, I will feel like this is truly working. I will then feel confident going forward that I can really do this.

I’m sure I’m jumping the gun here at less than one month into the intuitive eating, but because how one views/label oneself plays such a big roll, I’m wondering at what point in time do I change saying I’m “in recovery” to I’m “recovered”? What do you think is the barometer for that? Is there some clinical amount of time required of having not binged and be eating intuitively? Do I need to be eating intuitively for 2 weeks, 6 months, 5 years?

If you feel you’ve recovered, what was the point you got to that enabled you to call yourself recovered?

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

No Sh*t! It’s a Guest Post by You-Know-Who

Usually, when I crank out a guest post, I really feel like I should be as entertaining as humanly possible, because I’m addressing an audience that might not be as familiar with my act as my regular Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit readers.

However, when love2eatinpa asked me to do my thang over here, she requested that I expound on a comment I made on a post of hers, or as she put it: “write about what your issues used to be (the secret eating, etc), how long you did them, and how you reached the point in your life where you knew you had to a change, and how you empowered yourself with your new thoughts on what your body and head needs?”

Geez, can’t I do a funny list instead?

To be honest, these kind of deep dives tend to take it out of me. They generally take five times as long to write and I sometimes feel drained when they’re done. But here’s the thing: I really do think they’re the key to the whole deal-io.

My own journey began last Easter (or “Feaster” as I sometimes refer to it since my family was all out of town and I was bingeing like nobody’s business). I had just eaten too much (again), just drank too much (again)… and was riding that post-binge depression plunge to what felt like rock bottom (but doesn’t it always feel like rock bottom?).

No one was home, and I just sat there in front of a mirror and had a long talk with the only person that was ever gonna be able to do anything about the situation I was facing. That solitude… that opportunity to spend a little time inside my own head… apparently was what I needed for the key to turn in my lock.

I started so many diets over the years, some lasting for months, some lasting until lunch. But I never really bought in, never really pushed myself to the point of no return. As my wife Anita sometimes says, “Everything is just so delicious.”

I stumbled into the world of weight-loss blogging much the same way you probably did. Looking for answers when I wasn’t entirely sure of the questions that needed to be asked. What I found was a community of like-minded individuals that was sharing ideas, sharing feedback, sharing support.

Just the act of writing down what I thought, what I felt about these issues was a very useful exercise, but the real value came when the readers eventually found my place. Then I had a group that I had to stay accountable to, people who would be almost as disappointed in me as I would be if I stumbled and fell.

I struggled like everyone does, had good days and bad days, but I eventually caught my good groove and the changes I had made in my life… eating less, eating a little healthier and exercising regularly… had somehow just become my life.

I’ve said before that the beginning of this journey is like being stuck in a deep hole with a shovel in our hands. For most of us, the instinct is take that shovel and dig, even though digging is the last thing we need to do and, in fact, is what got us in the situation we’re currently in. The only way out is to put the spade down and start climbing. It’s not fun, not easy, not especially fast… but it’s the only way out.

I don’t have all the answers; I don’t suppose any of us ever will. However, I can tell you that it’s worth all your sweat, all your hard work, all your sacrifices. I’m down 90-something pounds over the past 10 months, and I wish I could bottle this positive energy that’s flowing through me now and give you a swig. I swear it’d make a believer out of you…

I wish you all the best on your weight-loss journey. We may not know one another, you and I, but we’re part of a community that’s bigger than us (if you can believe that). We’re part of something that’s going to help us achieve our goals and realize our dreams.

We’re all in this together.

Very well said, Jack, thank you!

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

I thought it would be interesting to calculate roughly how many pounds I have gained and lost since I was a sophomore in high school.

Between the age of 16 and ulp, I’ll be 42 this month, so that is what, 26 years, I calculated that I have gained and lost at least 250 pounds. That does not include the 30 lbs I put on and took off for each of my two pregnancies which would add on 120 more pounds!).

When I think about it that way, it seems so bizarre. What have I done to my 5’3″ body cumulatively with all that yo-yo’ing up and down the scale?

How many pounds do you figure you have gained and lost throughout your adulthood?

P.S. I will write about the appointment with my therapist within the next day or so, after I process it in my head.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body