Saturday will make seven weeks of no weighing/measuring of food or counting calories, though I do admit to still doing some tallying in my head once in a while. Long-standing habits are hard to break! For what it’s worth, I used to write down all the counts and use a calculator to tally. But now since I stopped officially counting, if I feel the urge to get an idea of how much I’ve eaten, I have to figure out everything in my head, which is quite a daunting task for my pea brain!

I had a pretty big test over the weekend. We had a dessert event Friday night, a dinner and dessert event Saturday night (where we ate dinner at about 9:00 pm, VERY late for me) and then a luncheon on Sunday for Mother’s Day. (Happy belated mother’s day to all the moms!)

All three times I did not frame any foods as forbidden, and I allowed myself to taste things to see if they were worth it. Some things were, some things weren’t. If they tasted good, I enjoyed them, but without bingeing.

After the third day in a row, because my body was probably in a bit of shock after eating treats that it hasn’t had much of since I’ve been binge-free, along with eating dinner very late one of those nights, I didn’t feel too good both physically and mentally.

Physically, my stomach was feeling full throughout a good portion of those three days, something I’m really not used to anymore. (On a side note, I have been pms’ing for a week on this estrogen supplement, so I’m sure there was some bloating going on. TMI?). Mentally, I didn’t like the feeling of being full.

Actually, both those things worried me a bit. Though I did not binge, there were some bad/disordered behaviors going on in my head. Basically, overeating a little bit at these three events, three days in a row, made me a little nervous in that – would I go back to being a “normal” eater, someone who can overindulge a little bit at a special event, but then go right back to normal eating the next meal or the next day? As a compulsive overeater for decades, it would be SO easy to slip back into my old disordered ways. So would I slide right back into that sickness or would I be able to keep my act together, be the recovering/recovered person that I have worked so hard at being, and bounce right back?

The answer is… I was able to get back to being a recovering person, although on Monday I was still a little bit pick-y with some leftovers.

On top of the 3-event weekend, I also discovered that the 12-pack of caffeine free soda which I drank seven cans of during the course of the week, was not diet soda, as I usually drink. So there was an extra 1050 calories right there. Ugh! To add insult to injury, I dropped a can on the floor and it exploded onto just about every wall, pantry door, table and chair within a 5′ radius in my kitchen. Talk about a sticky mess!

I’m due to get on the scale for the first time in a month on Tuesday. Though my clothes still feel pretty much the same, my jeans slightly less loose, I will touch base on the scale just to see what’s what.

Another good recovery step for me – I had my annual physical with my primary care physician yesterday. Though I’ve only known I’ve had an eating disorder since December of 2007, I came clean to my doctor about it. Add him to the short list of people who know.

On another note… There were two great eating disorder-related shows on yesterday, if you didn’t see them, try to check them out on line.

First, on Oprah, she interviewed author Geneen Roth about her latest book called “Women, Food and God”. Here’s the link to the show on Oprah’s website. (I have previously posted about Roth’s awesome book “Breaking Free from Compulsive Eating” here, here and here.) I think I’m going to be picking up this new book. Oprah rattled off a quick list of guidelines at the end of the show and one of them was something to the effect of – to eat in full view of others, which struck a chord with me.

Then on Dr. Phil, he did an “in your face” with a girl who has been suffering from anorexia and bulimia for the past nine years, and her family. It was pretty disturbing. Here’s a link to the show on Dr. Phil’s website.

Lastly, I’m going to remain on “blog break” to enjoy being more present and until I figure some more things out, but I will check in again soon. I apologize for not reading your blogs and keeping up. I hope you are all doing well!

I’ll be back, so please bear with me. If you have any questions or want to contact me, please feel free! love2eatinpa@gmail.com.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

Beth, shoot me an email with your mailing address so I can get the book sent to you. Hope you get as much out of the book as I did!

Second, I had a wonderful Sunday – Monday getaway with my husband. (We were the winning bidder on a silent auction at a fundraiser for a night’s stay and dinner at the Borgata in Atlantic City. We saw a comedy show after dinner and had a great time.)

The getaway was a bunch of “re’s”… relaxing, refreshing, recharging and we did some needed reconnecting.

It was wonderful, if even for just 27 hours, to be just grown-ups having fun together, with no responsibilities. Personally, it meant not being mom/referee/cook/dishwasher, just being a wife who had a wonderful time remembering why she loves her husband so much.

We had wonderful meals, and for me, there was no obsessions or concerns about food before, during or after. I made good choices, had treats within moderation and felt wonderfully unencumbered by any thoughts of an eating disorder.

My m-i-l stayed at our house with the kids while we were away. We are so lucky that she lives close by and that she is willing to do that for us. It’s a win-win — the kids love her, she loves to be with the kids and we get some quality adult time.

I remember when my daughter was born 10-1/2 years ago, my independent personality rarely accepted the help she offered. I was not brought up in a home where people were nurturing and I became very independent in order to survive. Also, as a new mom, nursing around clock, I didn’t think she could do much to help me anyway, and I think I wanted to prove I could handle my own baby.

Well, when my son came along 2 yrs and 4 months later, I realized what an amazing gift I had in my m-i-l. By that time, with a newborn and a toddler, I was so grateful for the help, that I certainly sought her out.

So I/we are quite lucky to have her live less than 15 minutes away and that she is always willing to step in and watch the kids when she is available.

Have you ever had a gift like this right under your nose but didn’t realize it?

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

Well, since I ate a salad for lunch yesterday, I decided to take, what probably seems ridiculous to most of you, but a big step for me, I ordered “regular” food.

I started with a side salad, then got a meal of broiled scallops, baked potato and veggies du jour (which actually included corn, one of the few veggies I like!).

So for the first time since I started on my quest to be binge-free over 2 years ago, I ordered non-rabbit food for dinner. Even my daughter said incredulously – “you didn’t get a salad!?!?” Ugh, how sad is that!?!?!

So I only ate roughly half of my meal, plus I ate some of the cheese off of my daughter’s personal pizza and took one french fry from my son’s plate.

I was quite pleased with myself as I have had a fear all this time that if I ordered ‘normal’ food I would not be able to have the whole plateful of food in front of me and be able to stop eating when I’ve had enough. When I order salad, I know that I can eat every morsel. So yay! A small victory for me!

I even finished off my son’s ice cream sundae with no regrets, as dessert. And the other day I took my kids for water ice and actually joined them in getting something. Normally I would have looked over the water ice place’s nutritional info ahead of time and would know in advance which item (with the lowest calories of course!) I was going to choose, if I was going to get anything at all. But I didn’t this time. I ate a small water ice treat like a normal person. I didn’t look up the calories when I got home either. I didn’t care. I ate when I was hungry and just trusted myself and my body.

I know this stuff all sounds silly, but it is so huge for me. I’m feeling “normal”!

Though I admit to doing a little bit of tallying in my head at dinner to make sure I didn’t go crazy, I did not hit my computer the minute we walked in the door to see how many calories I consumed (nor did I tally them later). My gosh, it is so liberating to be able to do that!

And oh, I just looked at the calendar and realized that today is the 4-week of anniversary of no calorie counting and weighing/measuring food!! Woohoo! If you would have told me six months ago I would be doing this, I would have laughed in your face.

Anyway, just wanted to share this little victory, because I was pretty happy about it. Each day that goes by, I get a little more confident and it’s such a great feeling. I pray that it continues. I’m still a work in progress, but one that is making progress.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

To be honest, I think what I’m doing is more of a combination of intuitive eating/healthy eating/mindful eating.

I’m not “totally going for it” as the intuitive eating books tell you. I think that is aimed more at people who have been dieting and have been depriving themselves. I don’t think I fall into that category as I am someone who has been eating healthy, but does not deprive myself and does have small treats every day.

At this point, I prefer to look at what I’m doing as just doing what I was doing before – eating healthily, but I’ve dropped the weighing/measuring my portions and counting calories. I prefer to err on the side of serving myself a little less, knowing that if I get hungry a little later, I can always eat more.

These past weeks have been freeing and empowering. If you told me six months or a year ago, even being binge-free at that time, I could let go of the these other controlling behaviors I would have said – no way! But through therapy, reading and blogging, (and perhaps the estrogen supplement?) I found myself in a really good place, a place where I trusted by myself and my body to do the right thing as far as food goes.

I do try to honor my hunger and stop when I’m feeling full. However, I sometimes don’t wait until I’m hungry to have my dessert after dinner. But guess what – that is normal and it’s OK!

It is so amazing to go out to eat, not write down what I’m eating while at the restaurant, tally calories as I’m going along, and then come home to immediately look up the foods I didn’t know the calories of and calculate everything.

In fact, the tallying that I’ve been doing in my head is slowly stopping too. Who would’ve thunk it? I thought the not knowing was going to kill me, but it’s not. In fact, it’s quite the opposite, it is FREEING!!!

I think it’s going to take a few months of this to truly see how it’s going, to see if this intuitive trust in myself that I now have will keep me maintaining my current weight, give or take a few pounds. The reason I say this is because in the past when yo-yoing, I have been “good” for a while and then started bingeing/compulsive overeating again and it took weeks before the weight came on. At first I thought – sweet! – I can binge and no weight is coming on! But then of course, the weight caught up with the eating and the pounds surged right back on. So I think I need to give my body time to adjust to these new changes I’ve made to really see how it effects my weight.

Tomorrow or Saturday I will do my monthly weigh-in. Aunt Flow made an unexpected visit earlier this week, so I will wait till she is gone for two days so I can get a more accurate reading. My clothing all feels pretty much the same, but I still feel like I just want to touch base to make sure I’m on track.

Another change I’ve made is that I no longer frame foods as being forbidden. While I’m not actively seeking out junk, I let myself have it when we are out and I eat it with no regret. Because I’m framing it in that manner, I don’t feel a need to binge. I feel *gasp* “normal.”

I still go with a big salad for a dinner whenever we got out. My reasons are two-fold — 1) I am embarrassed to admit that I really don’t like many vegetables, but over the years I have come to really like lettuce and baby spinach, so eating it 3-5 days a week is my way of getting a good intake of vegetables. 2) I love how I can order the salad exactly how I want it (with the dressing on the side) and can feel free to devour the entire plate. I have yet to try ordering “regular” food, eating a portion and leaving the rest. I do hope to get to that point some day.

We went out to dinner a few times during the past few weeks since we’ve been back from DC. I have had small pieces of bread and bits of appetizers, thing I would not allow myself in the past. They were forbidden and could cause me to eat too much. How freeing to know I have allowed myself to have them and just have a bite or two if I am hungry.

So I have put away my measuring cups and measuring spoons. So far, I do not miss them. It is still a little shocking to me.

Grabbing a bite of something my kids didn’t finish, and things along those lines, now feel normal to me instead of me thinking of it as being disordered.

Overall, so much of my thoughts/framing has changed and it has made such a big difference. It feels great to trust my self and my body after so many years of needing that white-knuckle control over everything relating to food.

Still, I’m taking this all one day at a time. I feel really good about it so far, but it’s such a far cry from what I’m used to, I need to remember to take it slow.

Have you ever changed your thoughts so much about something that it ended up changing your life?

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

This, my friends, is a MIRACLE. I can’t remember a time since I was a teenager that I didn’t count my calories, no matter how astronomically high that number got.

But… When we were away, I did tally calories in my head because I was not eating my normal foods. I didn’t write anything down though. From decades of calorie counting, I’m a walking calorie book, as I’m sure most of you are too. Ask me a piece of important information in my life and I’ve got no clue – ask me how many calories are in 4 ozs of cooked chicken, I can spout that out immediately.

So on the trip, I was eating intuitively, mostly. The one thing that I did not do intuitively was eat my dessert when we were out to dinner. The four of us would eat and it was just natural to order dessert and eat it, hungry or not. But this showed me, that I can be a “normal” eater, simply by making good choices. I ate dessert every night, but it was sensibly, with no regret, and did not overindulge at all. So it would seem that at this point in time, I’m not eating 100% intuitively, but my gosh, what I’m doing is worlds away from what I’ve done in the past.

I’m quite content with this. I don’t know what tomorrow, next week, next month or next years holds, but I don’t care. I’m taking it one day at a time. I can hopefully stop the tallying in my head, but after calculating for decades, this may take some time. I’m a work in progress and am totally fine with that.

I will not be getting on scale for two weeks, so I really won’t know if I gained or lost on the vacation. At that point, it will have all balanced out anyway.

Because it’s good to take stock and to acknowledge any accomplishments, which I rarely, if ever, do, I’m going to list them:

1. I stopped getting on the scale at least once a day. I have only been on once a month in 2010, so only three times this year. Amazing.

2. I am tuned into my hunger cues instead of just eating because it says a certain time on the clock (which is what I’ve done for so many years).

3. I am tuned into my body and trying to ask myself, when I am hungry, what am I really in the mood for.

4. Since March 26, I have not written down or kept vigilant track of my calories. Somehow, I am really ok with this. Yes, I did tally them in my head while on vacation and am still doing it now to some extent, but I did not write them down and I really couldn’t tell you my total from one day to the next. Rome was not built in a day, ya know!

While away, I worked out twice, although abbreviated, in the hotel gym and we did TONS of walking, me carrying the backpack of drinks/snacks, etc.

And oh, the trip was really exhausting, but really great. The museums we went to, the historical landmarks we saw, the cherry blossoms, everything was fascinating. We hope our kids took at least some good info away from the trip.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

I will try to get in a few workouts and we’ll certainly be doing a lot of walking.

This new calmness is a wonderful and new feeling for me.

I will be pulling out of the archives some old posts of mine and scheduling them to post while I’m away because I thought it might be good for me to be reminded, and hopefully enjoyable for you to see, where this journey of mine began. While I will try to read and respond to any comments left on my blog, I unfortunately won’t have time to read your blogs and leave comments, so I’m sorry about that.

More thoughts on intuitive eating… I apologize that I keep clarifying that I’m thinking about doing this and that at any time that could change depending on my mood/day, but here goes…

I feel like over the past two years or so (since I discovered I had an ED) that I have been meandering slowly over to a fence. On one side of the fence is disordered eating, the other side is intuitive eating/ recovery. I’m binge-free, my weight has been at a constant for about 18 months, I am pretty much ok day-to-day, but outings can be challenging food-wise unless I’m really on my game.

Right now, I feel like I’m standing at the base of the fence on the disordered eating side and I’m looking over at the intuitive eating/recovered side. I just need to take the first step to start climbing the fence. The fence is tall and scary, out of my comfort zone. But I have a quiet calm about me now in regard to food, so maybe it is my time to start the climb over.

I have also decided that when I take that climb, my intuitive eating will be exactly what I’m doing right now as far as eating healthy. I’m not sure I’m ready to just have anything I want, as per intuitive eating, and be ok with that. I’m not sure I’m ready to just have anything I want and be ok with that. So does that mean I won’t be intuitive eating? Do I have to do that part? It just feels safe to me right now. Can I just do what I’m doing now, but minus the weighing/meausuring of my portions and writing down every calorie I take in?

I have gotten pretty good at listening to my hunger cues and not just eating because it’s a certain time on the clock. So that is a good thing. I also think I’m pretty ok with knowing when I’ve had enough, although when I portion things, I know that I can totally finish everything, so that part is a little sketchy.

I know that slips here and there won’t kill me and that “normal” eaters sometimes overeat too. That gives me a level of comfort. I think I’m at a point where I have learned to let go a bit and enjoy foods that really taste good, go over in my calories a little and not beat myself up about it. From what I’ve read, that is what separates us ED’d folks from “normal” eaters. They don’t obsess about overeating one meal.

So does that still count as intuitive eating? Will doing what I wrote above put me on the other side of the fence?

Have a wonderful week and happy holidays everyone!

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

The birthday celebration started Friday night when two dear friends took me out to dinner. There is nothing like getting out with a couple of friends and just relaxing while the husband takes care of the kids.

Saturday night we went to a casino-type fundraiser for our synagogue. I already knew the dinner menu was not foods that I particularly care to eat, so I ate dinner beforehand. I was a little concerned about the dessert buffet, but was armed with a plan of being choice-ful and enjoying a few things that I really enjoyed.

Some little victories happened… first, they had m&m’s and hershey’s kisses out on all the tables. For some reason that I cannot fathom, I didn’t want any. (Um, hello, did I just say that I didn’t want any chocolate!?!?!)These candy’s are my some of my favs too! I don’t know whether I knew that they are triggers for me and I knew that if I had one I would keep on going. Maybe they just weren’t special enough and I was waiting for the good stuff on the dessert buffet. Perhaps my stomach felt full from the can of caffeine free sprite I just drank. Or maybe, I was just being a “normal” eater and I was able to be present in conversations instead of fixating on the chocolate that was just inches away from me. Whatever the case may be, I was pleased with myself.

Two hours into the four-hour event, the desserts were not out and I was hungry and I was feeling chilly. I wanted something at home, not the m&m’s or kisses. So my husband walked me out to our car and I left. (He would easily get a ride home with someone else in our neighborhood. And oh, turns out that when they did in fact put out the desserts, they were killer. While I would have enjoyed them and hoped that I would stick to my plan and not letting the food rule me, I was kind of glad that I didn’t even have to deal with it.)

So I came home, had the dessert that I wanted, made a nice cup of decaf coffee and felt good about my choices.

For SO many years my birthday revolved around food. As I’ve mentioned in other posts, I would make a list of food, that I would work on for months, of special, decadent treats that I would typically not indulge in, that were saved especially for my birthday. I would spend the day driving around to bakeries, markets, etc to buy all the things on my list. Some I would eat in the car as I was going, some I would just gorge on when I get home. It was a a true day of utter gluttony. I felt stuffed all day, but that didn’t stop me from shovelling these treats in, because after all, it was my special day and I deserved it, right?

The past two years of being binge-free, I worried what I would do on my birthday, because the usual binge-to-end-all-binges was out of the question. Quite frankly, I really didn’t know what to do with myself to celebrate.

But this year, something has changed. I told my husband that I wanted a day of peace and quiet. I wanted him to take over (most of) the parenting reigns of our elementary school-aged children. I wanted him to the be the one, for this one day of the year, to wake up with the kids and get them ready for Sunday school. Instead of me being the one to tell them – hurry up and eat… get ready…get your sneakers on…you gotta go..etc, like I do for school. I left him to be do the parent policing in the morning for a change and he was happy to oblige.

I lazed in bed, which I never do, caught in that sweet world of not quite asleep and not quite awake, knowing that I, for once, did not have to rush downstairs to get the kids ready to go out the door. It was wonderful. I ate my breakfast and got ready for the gym in a calm, peaceful manner, knowing I had no agenda or commitments to my day, other than to just chill out.

Typically my days are gogogo, rushrushrush, hurryhurryhurry, dododo, so to be in a relaxed mode was a fantastic.

The cardio portion of my workout was unusually high energy. A good way to kick off my first day of being 42!

My husband and kids surprised me in the early afternoon with one of those “baby” cakes (chocolate cake with chocolate icing, of course!) that is double layer and only about 6″ in diameter. I had a small piece and the frosting was really delish. The four of us at half the cake.

I started contemplating eating just the frosting off the rest of it. I hadn’t eaten anything after lunch and more frosting could be eaten instead of my afternoon snacks. I ran it past my husband, who said I should enjoy my birthday and just toss what’s left of the cake in the trash.

So you know what, I did just that. I slowly ate and savored just the chocolate icing over the course of about 30 minutes. I tried to keep a rough mental count of how much I was having so I could account for the calories. It was a yummy, special birthday treat and I felt no guilt in eating it. It was not a compulsive, secretive, frenzied binge, just someone “letting go” and enjoying a treat in a controlled fashion for one day.

That evening the two of us went out for a nice dinner. I ate lightly as I was still satiated from the frosting. The restaurant brought up a cupcake with a candle in it, which was an unexpected surprise. I ate maybe 1/3 of it at best, my husband at the rest.

Then they brought the dessert tray over. There were a couple of things that looked really good. I knew I didn’t want chocolate, because clearly I had enough of that already. I was in a real quandary – do I split one of the desserts with my husband simply because it was my birthday and why shouldn’t I enjoy, or do I truly realize that I have had quite enough dessert for the day and pass. The voices in my head were having quite a field day arguing with one another. I looked to my husband for his opinion and he said – it’s your birthday. I honestly didn’t know what to do.

So after a few minutes of my wishy-washy indecision, my husband finally said the magic words – let’s pass. My immediate reaction, a physical reaction, was the feeling of a punch in my gut. But then I realized he was right and was glad he made the decision.

So all told, I went over my calorie count by around 400. Certainly not the end of the world for one day and so ended my birthday story, and today I’m right back to my normal eating habits, but….

the winner of the “Stop Overeating TODAY!” book is Diana! Congrats!! Diana, please email me your mailing address and the author will send the book directly to you.

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

I felt very calm and relaxed. I was choice-ful prior to going and decided that I would taste/eat things that looked really good. I ate three small things and enjoyed them very much. I even tasted one additional thing, but it wasn’t that good and I tossed it.

It was SO nice to feel calm instead of frenzied. After I ate what I wanted, I walked away from the table and was able to have a conversation with a good friend and no longer focused on the food. (*gasp* did I really just say I walked away from the desserts and didn’t think about them anymore and focused on a friend instead?!??!) It was such a nice change for me and I felt very good about it.

On a different note… this morning it has been one month since the last time I got on the scale. Unfortunately, Aunt Flo made a surprise, early visit yesterday so I didn’t think today would be a good day to get an accurate reading from the scale. I’m going to wait a few days before getting on. Nonetheless, I’m thrilled that I feel comfortable going from daily weigh-ins to now two months in a row of only getting on once a month. Progress!!

Lastly….Saturday night my family and I will be getting together with two dear friends and their families for pizza and fun. Our reoccurring desserts – homemade brownies and chocolate chip cookies will be there. I will read over my recent blogs to help stay grounded and be choice-ful again. Nothing like being put to the test twice in three days! =)

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

Here is how I scored myself:

1. I ate a good amount of challah. I LOVE the guts of any kind of bread – the doughy knots of a pretzel and best of all, the insides of an uncut challah or roll. The crust of any breadstuff has no appeal to me whatsoever, I like the doughy insides. While I did eat it rather compulsively, it could have been much worse. (This is embarassing, but in the past I would have went to other tables where people had left, and ate their challah as well.) So because it is not something that I get to eat very often, I let my intuitive eating lessons take over and allowed myself to enjoy, without guilt, something that I truly enjoy. B+

2. I had two very small pieces, plus finished off my son’s piece, of chocolate chip cake. This is famous, not-to-be-missed, worth-very-calorie cake from a local baker. I could have totally gone to town on it, but did not. Ok, so I sat next to my son, telepathically telling him he was full so he would leave some on his plate for me to finish (and hey, it worked!), but he didn’t leave me much. The yearning to keep going back for more was there and I did lurk around the cake a little bit, but I didn’t dig in as I would have in a heartbeat in the past. All together, I probably ate one normal-sized piece, which is no big deal. Again, I go to the intuitive eating teachings of eating what you really enjoy, so I did, no regrets. B+

3. I tried three other little pastries. One I didn’t like, so I tossed it (yay me!), the other two I did like so I finished them. A for tossing and C for still trying to eat stuff even though I broke my plan of having two things – the challah and the cake.

4. Eating these things compulsively. C

5. Trying to once again use my telepathic skills to get my husband to turn his back or leave the room so I could go get more challah or cake – D. It’s ironic that I tell him ahead of time to please keep an eye on me so I don’t go crazy. He does his job and a part of me loves him for that, but the other part of me, while I’m enjoying the food and my body is craving more, is super pissed because he won’t turn his back or leave the room so I can sneak in some more. (My telepathic skills did not work on him. The force is strong with that one, unlike with my little guy. (pathetic Star Wars reference))

Because I had a small dinner, overall I went over in calories (by my best guesstimation) by about 250, which in the grand scheme of things is no big deal and I’m totally fine with it. I enjoyed some good treats (mostly in moderation) and well, life is short, so I ate them. There were A LOT of desserts to choose from, and in the past I would have totally gone to town eating them, so compared to 2+ years ago, I did really well.

While in the moment I definitely wanted to eat more, but once we left, those feelings were gone and it did not continue at home. So I remain binge-free. And oh, I realized that I forgot to put the bead that marks 26 months on my binge-free bracelet, so I did that this morning.

The two bigger beads in the middle are the yearly beads, the two on the ends each represent a month.

So looking back, in the big picture, while I definitely still felt/acted with compulsive behaviors, I really did ok, probably scoring about a B. I did not go overboard with my calories and I got to enjoy some very good eats in a somewhat controlled fashion. Most of all, I was able to reign myself in and not continue with my sugar/carb high when I got back home and I remained binge-free.

This all got me to thinking… these dessert buffets are really tough for me. So in the future, do I miss out on events by skippping them, thereby taking care of myself and leave no way for me to get into trouble OR do I keep going, enjoy some treats, but have it be a tough experience for me? I don’t want to miss special events or time with family, yet, it is stressful and anxiety-ridden for me before I go and while I am there. I know I need to learn better how to deal with them and do have some tools, but they seem to fly out the window when I’m in the presence of desserts. This frickin eating disorder!!

What would you do – skip events that you know are stressful and are conducive to bingeing, or go and just try to do your best? Do you think I was too easy or hard on myself?

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body

Since I was a kid and all through high school, I was a tomboy, always playing organized sports, and when that ended I would join a gym or just work out on my own, and then I ended up being a runner for 11 years.

With compulsive overeating and bingeing since I was a kid, I’m certain that I would have gotten to much higher than my highest weight of 172 on my 5’3″ frame had I not always been an exerciser.

I need to thank my lucky stars for that because I’ve been learning via the blogosphere that exercising is foreign to many people and they have a hard time motivating themselves to get to the gym.

For me, going to the gym four days a week is like brushing my teeth. It’s just something I do, without fail, it’s just part of my schedule. If something comes up that forces me to miss my gym time, I panic at first, then put a plan into place to still get in a workout somehow.

For instance, if one of my kids stays home sick from school and it’s a gym day, I will just workout on my treadmill and lift weights at home. I embrace it by thinking that I’m working different muscles, which is a good thing.

For me, exercising has always been a great stress reliever and it has been key in helping me get down to my “happy weight” along with, of course, not bingeing for over two years. I know, like eating healthy, that it is something I will need to do for the rest of my life.

And from happy words about exercising I switch to my vulnerability… tonight we are going to a function at our synagogue which among other things, will include an *ulp* big dessert buffet. Man, just knowing that I’m going to face that tonight makes my heart palpitate. Even after 2+ years binge-free, these dessert buffets are still troublesome for me.

Deep breath, stay calm. You can do this!

I’m trying to frame this properly, to not set it up in a terrible light. It is just food. (Food that calls to me, begging me to eat it!)

Because not going is not an option, my plan is to peruse the myriad of desserts and pick the one or two that really look good and have a little bit of those couple of things.

The intuitive eating I’m trying to incorporate in my life says to enjoy the stuff that is really good. Life is too short to skip really good desserts. So I just need to remember that, enjoy the couple of things that are really good and not feel bad about it. Most importantly, I need to not to pull up a fork and a chair to this glorious buffet and blow my abstinence.

How about you, does exercising come easy for you or is it a struggle? How do you handle dessert buffets?

One Day at a Time... Nurture myself... Awareness... Letting Go... Listen to my Body